anything if it's yellow {perspective}

if you had to sum up christmas in one word {uh, other than christmas}, what would it be?

some of you might have watched too many lifetime movies and you'd say "family", some of you might go the spiritual route and you'd say "Jesus" {and obvi you'd be right}, and some of you will be honest and you'd say...

presents.

let's be honest. you're either a kid {i'd be impressed if a kid was reading this} and you just want, want, want or you're a parent, a grandparent, an auntie or someone else who got conned into buying for a kid and you're fighting with people the day after thanksgiving for an easy bake oven or you're waiting last minute and buying a giftcard {guilty}. you're a spouse who just has no idea what to get for her husband. maybe you adopted a family to buy for. maybe you drew a name with your friends. at the end of the day, i'd be surprised if none of you reading this had to buy a present for anyone this christmas or were going to receive one.

buying and receiving presents at christmas doesn't bother me. while i have learned in my adulthood that it's not the "reason for the season", with the exception of going completely over the top for bratty kids {cause that bothers everyone}, buying things for the people you love is all good with me.

i generally like whatever people get me. are there times i think "i really would have rather had..."?  sure. we want what we want. but for the most part...i just want good things - thinks i like, things that make me happy.

this morning, i was talking about christmas presents with maddi, who is 7. i said, "what should miss rachel ask santa to get her for christmas?" and she just looked at me with a smile and said, "you like anything if it's yellow."

out of the mouth of babes.

it's really true. i like anything that's yellow. yellow clothes, yellow decor, yellow food {yes sometimes i eat things solely because they're yellow}, yellow appliances, yellow everything. and if you have followed me long enough, you know that the color yellow is also symbolic to me. it's happiness, it's things falling into place, it's time with people i love, it's the light at the end of dark tunnels, it's even been the dark tunnels. yellow is my joy.

this morning, just an hour or so before i had that conversation with maddi, i had a conversation with the only person that teaches me more than the kiddos in my life - God. remember the blog about asking God for something specific? still am. the prayer has changed a bit but i still believe it hasn't been answered and i'm waiting. sometimes patiently but more often not {just being honest}. but i've said to him {and meant it}, that i'm good either way, knowing that his ways are higher than mine.

whatever he brings to my life, whatever he gives me, whatever he works out, and even whatever he allows to come into my life {talking about the hard things, the no's, the 'storms') is yellow. and after praying this morning for what i want, telling the creator of the universe that i want it but i'm okay with whatever he gives me, a little girl reminded me of one simple little truth -

i like anything.

if it's yellow.

if i could write a letter to me...{yep}

know the song? you non-country lovers might not. so go to youtube and search for brad paisley's song and fall in love.

i heart that song. if he could write a letter to himself at younger ages, he'd tell himself to do things differently, thank people that cared about him, not be discouraged by heartache, etc.

so guess what i'm going to do? yep.

if i could write a letter to me....

from 0-5 years old: yeah, i don't remember you. but you were such a cute little girl. and judging from the pictures i've seen of you, you loooooved your daddy. as you should have. at some point when you were 3ish, you met a girl named joy. you were probably scared of her. as you should have been. but she's going to be the most faithful friend you've ever had. so share your sunchips with her.

from age 5-10: i'm glad you spent so much time in the pool. and even though it's technically sun damage, i love every freckle you have. and there are a lot of them.

you're going to love a band called the new kids on the block. don't worry - when you're 26, you're going to get to touch one of them at a concert. it will seriously be the highlight of your life.

no matter what your brother and sister say, you do not suffer from a disease called "fro-inosis".

in february 1994: something's going to happen today that you're not going to understand. you're going to get to spend the night at your friend's house on a school night and think it's awesome. you'll find out the next day that your dad had a heart attack and you'll cry because your sister did. you have no idea how your dad's health will affect the rest of your life. do me a favor and don't be a brat so often. go easy on the old guy. especially since he spent all of your childhood at your soccer and basketball games and taking you to sharon dippity.

junior high me: you're going to go to a new school where for the next 6 years, everyone will know you as the "brutally honest" one. stop. really. i'm even annoyed with you and i...was you.

high school me: i'm really glad you had brittany in high school. you had so much fun. i'm not really glad that you were so mean sometimes. i know why you were. you were the odd girl out sometimes before you came to this school and you didn't want it to happen again. i get it. not happy with you for it but i get it. you weren't happy with yourself and that makes me sad. you're going to have to grow up in november of 2002 when your childhood friend dies in a car accident. you and your friends made the best of every time you were together and i'm glad you have those memories. oh and really, your eyebrows - what in the world were you thinking? and the orange and blonde highlights on your black hair? fail. major, major fail.

december 11, 1999: your grandpa is going to die today. i'm so glad you had 14 years with him. i'm glad you got to go to the park and pinky's with him on secret ice cream trips. you're going to miss him forever.

february 16, 2000: you're going to make the best decision of your life tonight. there will be so many times in your life that the only comfort you have is Christ's love. so glad you accepted it.

october 2001: you're going to get in your first car accident. glad it was just a fender bender.

june 2003: you're going to graduate high school. you and joy will sing a song that will embarrass you but 8 years later, you'll try to remember the words and sing it together in the car and laugh. just a heads up so you don't have to google so much - it was called listen to our hearts.

august 2003: you're going to go to college and make a lot of memories over the next 3 years. when he talks to you that first time, don't fall so hard. when you really don't want to go to western civilization, you should probably go. i wish you hadn't been such a follower since that's not who you are at all. i'm glad you went away and lived away from your family though. you grew so much.

march 12, 2004: this is going to be the the most painful day of your life. you're going to get in your friend's car and drive to ohio for spring break. you won't get to ohio today though. she's going to lose control of the car, you're going to flip a bunch of times and then get thrown out, you're going to take a very expensive helicopter ride {you won't remember} to west virginia and you'll hang out at st. mary's hospital where some doctors and nurses will save your life. you're going to be in an extreme amount of pain, some of which will last a very long time. you're going to have to leave school for awhile, have surgery, have scars, have pain. if i could tell you what to do that morning, though, i'd tell you to still get in that car. the good that came from that day is something only you and i understand.

you're going to meet mel gibson. i wish you would have not looked a mess so you would have gotten a picture with him.

october 2, 2005: you're going to get a terrible phone call. your friend kevin is going to die today. it will just so happen that all of your housemates will be gone all day and you'll sit in your room and cry for hours. i wish i could hug you.

summer 2006: you're going to meet a girl named maggie. is this where i tell you that you should run? nah. you're going to need her.

2006-2010: you're going to kind of spiral down. you're going to make terrible decisions, get in debt, gain weight, date stupid men, shirk responsibility and be a typical early 20 something. i wish i could have cut your credit cards up you dummy. i'm still under the burden of that.

may 7, 2006: you're going to become an aunt. she's going to be beautiful.

2007: you're going to spend money you don't have on a camera you "don't need". that camera will change your life. i'm glad you bought it.

august 20, 2009: you're going to be an aunt again. she's going to be beautiful too. even when you don't want to make the drive down to children's hospital, go every time to visit her.

january 14, 2010: you're going to make a decision to change your life today. it's going to be so hard. but my life is different because you decided to get healthy. i'm so proud of you.

october 16, 2010: you're going to LET maggie marry paul. that was stupid.

november 2010: dad's heart is going to give you a scare again. i'm glad you spent as much time at the hospital with him as you did. no one should be alone in there. and the room service food will be delicious.

you're going to fall in love a few times. and then you're going to fall out of love. a couple of times it won't be so hard. and one or two of the times, it will be terrible. i wish i could tell you how rarely you'll think of them now and how wrong you'll realize they were for you.

don't get offended so easily.

don't waste your time arguing politics, social issues, etc. even though you really enjoy it.

i'm being completely serious right now: don't give deals to friends in business. you will resent them for it.

i'm not sure if i should tell you that bangs were a good idea or not. jury's still out on that one.

visit your mamaw more.

i'm really glad you weren't much of a worrier growing up. if i have children, i'd want them to be as care-free as you.

don't watch food inc. okay, nevermind, do it. it was good for you.

but don't watch black swan. seriously.

lots of things i wish you'd done less. lots of things i wish you'd done more. even some things i wish had never happened. but really - i like you. for the most part. you'll be better because of your pain. you'll grow from your mistakes.

if i could tell you to do anything differently, i'd have to say - love more.

and the eyebrows. i wish you had fixed the eyebrows.

xx

thank you {thanksgiving}

so all month, people {including me} have been posting daily about what they're thankful for and about who they're thankful for. and why.  i'd like to take a moment {and really just a moment as it's a holiday and i want to choose to spend it wisely} thanking all of the people that didn't make the traditional list.

i'd like to thank my next door neighbor for hating my dog and complaining about him the day i moved in. i've thanked you by not always picking up after him on our walks. you're welcome.

i'd like to thank a girl i didn't really like for marrying a guy that i really did love. cause i just saw a recent picture and he let himself go. AND he wasn't that nice to me. so thanks.

i'd like to thank the kid in high school who called me a fat b**** in front of the whole class and made me cry. you gave me the thick skin i needed to get through life so far and you made me watch what i say to people.

i'd like to thank every single rejection letter i got from jobs i thought i wanted when i graduated college. what i thought was a desperate attempt to make money because you said i was unqualified turned out to be my passion. and sidenote: i was more than qualified.

i'd like to thank the guy who made fun of me in front of a big group when i started my business. i remember vividly - "you're going to be a photographer? you know you have to actually be talented right?" that was followed by laughter from a few of the guys. funny how my photos were in elle magazine. someone should tell them i need talent. thanks for adding to the thick skin.

i'd like to thank sallie mae for making sure i start college funds for my children when they're born.

i'd like to thank every guy i've ever dated who didn't treat me well. thank you for showing me what i don't want.

i'd like to thank mcdonald's for upping their price of the double cheeseburger that one summer because joy and i finally stopped eating them.

i'd like to thank all of the people who have ever hurt me but more than that, i'd like to thank all of the people that have ever forgiven me for hurting them.
i'd like to thank all of the people who broke my trust but more than that, i'd like to thank all of the people who have forgiven me for breaking theirs.

every person in my life has made me who i am today, the good and the bad.  so i just wanted to say thanks.

and to that guy from high school, look at me now. ;)

happy thanksgiving.
xx

if tomorrow never comes {everyone's doing it}

i heart blogs.

i really do. well. i heart well-written ones that make me laugh, make me cry, make me think. and occasionally, i like blogs that are like mine and share a random youtube video of a kid lip-synching to katy perry.

so far today, i've read 3 blogs. one from someone in my field and when i followed the link to her pricing, i wanted to vomit. {just a thought - why do you give 8 hours of coverage by 2 photographers if you're only going to give them FIFTY images at the end? i won't even go into what they were charging for thas...} one about sports - specifically football...even more specifically this past sunday's steelers-bengals game. {this young team can hang with the big names. for sure.} and then one by a man who recently lost his father and sister in law. he wrote a letter to his family just in case he should suddenly pass. it made me cry. it made me laugh. it made me want to write one.

so here goes.

in case i should suddenly pass while doing something awesome, i want the following things to be known.

mom and dad, jess knocked over that big family Bible that one time when no one would admit doing it and we didn't get to go to the movies since someone was lying. i watched her do it.

jess, i forgive you for that. finally.

i fully expect a yellow funeral. if people are not wearing yellow, turn them away. okay, don't do that but give them a dirty look and make them sit in the back.

if kennedy isn't taken in by someone who loves me, i will make sure all of your one way tickets are headed south.

my chickens - you made me a better person. i love you to the moon and back.

i started to think of who to give what to, but in reality, you guys are going to need to sell everything i own to pay off my debts so....sorry about that.

please don't let them keep my facebook account up.

yes, jonathan was my favorite family member. just stating the obvious there.

after my funeral, i want everyone to go to cock and bull {in groups of 15 please. the place is tiny for real.} and tell stories about me...that are appropriate. please.

maggie, sorry about busting your nose that one time. but since you projectile vomited me, i think i was just calling it even. hope you never stop doing our firework dance...or order one taco, please.

i want my girls to take a trip to louisville every year around my birthday. it wouldn't hurt if there was a guy with a reds hat on there.

i want my brother and sister to tell my nieces all about their super cool aunt. and how she loved them with her whole heart. and make sure they are raised right - as reds fans. the die-hard kind.

i hope you were truly proud of me, mom and dad. i was proud of you.

if the bengals ever win the super bowl, i expect someone to write a status update that i would have written. it should go like this: "fairweather fans, if you even think of saying who dey, i will personally come to your house and beat the crap out of you."

joy - i'll make sure our mansions are as close up in heaven as our houses are now. so we can say we're going to go run together...and go eat mexican instead.

cry. i want you to cry. a lot of people say, i don't want you to cry for me after i go. well, i do. i mean, seriously. cry your freaking eyes out. and then move on.

think of me when you hear michael jackson sing, when you watch someone tear all their food apart, when you pass rarity mountain on the way to tennessee, when you say "i can't handle it", when you watch a jude law movie, when you hear an old garth brooks song, when you see someone take all the cheese off their pizza and eat it last, when you skip over a JFK documentary on the history channel, when someone points in the air when they talk, when octoberfest comes out in the fall, when someone starts a joke with "what's the difference between a grape and an elephant?", when you eat hummus, when RENT comes to town, when you feel like arguing over politics or something equally as pointless to argue about, when 'witchita lineman' comes on the radio, when you do the 'rachel' dance {it should always live on}, when you sing "fancy" at karaoke, when you hear someone laugh really, really, really loud...

and mostly - i want you to think of me whenever you can sit back and say, "life is so yellow." and i hope that is often. more because i wish nothing but happiness for everyone but a LITTLE because i want you to think about me. let's be honest. if you forget about me, i'll....haunt you or something.

i have zero plans of going anywhere anytime soon. but i'm not promised tomorrow so in case i go, i wanted you all to know all of that. until then, i'd like to start living like tomorrow might not happen. speak in love, give, pause and rethink unkindness, visit my mamaw, go for a run outside, return my phone calls, talk to God, laugh, and remind myself that if tomorrow DOESN'T come, these 26 years 4 months 27 days and 41 minutes have been yellow. very, very yellow.

xx

scar tissue that i wish you saw {life}

"dead people don't have scars."

someone said that to me 5 or 6 months after my car accident when i was being emo about mine. if you've met me in the last few years, you'd probably say, "what scars?" believe me, they were there. the ones on my left hand were most noticeable. my hand was pretty much covered with them and well, i'm left handed so often when i reached for something or waved at someone, i'd hear, "oh my gosh, what happened to your hand??" the ones on my face were thankfully near my hairline and fairly easy to cover with makeup. i didn't wear a dress for the longest time because the ones on my legs always brought about that same question - "oh my gosh, what happened to you??"

i remember a doctor saying that he expected my skin {specifically my face} to heal well based on how fast it began to heal from the beginning. i did not have high expectations. i was young and vain and mortified by my scars, even the ones in really unimportant places like my hands and even my toes.

then i heard those words - "dead people don't have scars." it took me a few minutes to get it and months to understand it.

i was alive.

an accident that could have {and logically, should have} taken my life, didn't. it beat me up, it caused me pain, it left me with scars but it didn't kill me.

i think you know where i'm going with this. :)

speaking personally, i have a lot of scars. not only on my skin but on my soul. some, maybe most, are self-inflicted. some are not. some are really fresh. some have been there for years. some didn't hurt all that bad. some of them nearly killed me.

but they didn't.

those of you that didn't even know i had scars on my face, my hands, my legs - you're the proof that scars fade. with proper care, they do. so i use vitamin e for my body and the love of my savior, my family and my friends for the ones on my soul.

they're never really gone. and as along as you're alive, you'll probably keep getting them. you'll accidentally cut yourself chopping vegetables, you'll get your heart broken, you'll fall playing sports, and you'll be betrayed by someone you trust. but if you keep getting them, it means nothing's killed you yet.

so keep living.
scars fade.
life is so yellow.

xx

makin' plans {prayer}

i have very rarely in my life prayed specifically for something. like FOR something. like - "God, give me {fill in the blank}. i pray for the basics for myself and my loved ones - health, safety, etc. if i know of a need, i'll pray that - "God, bring healing, bring them peace, work that situation out..." i pray for the success of my business but i always say - "and God, i ask that you would continue to bless my business." i don't say, "God, i'd like to take over the city" - which is much more accurate if i'm being honest. if i'm at a crossroads in my relationship, i ask God to work it out, i don't say "God, have them forgive me." or "God, take them away from me." 

i'm learning that i pray generic prayers.

to a very specific God.

not that there is a way to pray. most of my prayers are jumbled messes on the way to work where i get distracted halfway through by traffic or wondering if i left my phone at home. i try to pray every night when i lay down and often times, i drift off 20 words into it {which might be because i fall asleep within 2 minutes of laying down. it's fantastic.}.

just about a week and a half ago, i was laying there one night praying. i prayed for my family. i prayed for a few needs. i prayed the same prayer i've been praying for the same friend for weeks. and then i prayed for me. i prayed for forgiveness {i say it every time}. i prayed for an opportunity the next day to show his love {i say it every time}. i prayed for continued blessings on my work {i pray it every time}. i prayed for his hand on a few situations i'm in {i pray it every time}. my mind lingered on one of the situations and my mind wandered away from my prayer. i literally laid there and thought "i know what i want. why don't i just ask him for it?" that's nothing i've ever prayed before. i laughed out loud and returned to my prayer - "and God, i know that you work everything out for good for those who love you. i know that you promise to give us the desires of our heart. well. i want ______. and i'm asking for it. or i'm asking you to change the desires of my heart and take it away. completely."

which personally i thought was pretty dang gutsy. because the reality of the situation is - i don't want it to go away. not at all. i want it. but if it's not what he wants for me, then i need to be able to let it go. i trust that he wants me to not only be happy, but be the happiest. i believe this makes me happy so i'm asking for it or i'm asking for a change of heart.

i've prayed that exact prayer now every morning and every night. in true dramatic fashion, i was convinced by 11am the next morning that he had answered - and not in my favor. in even higher dramatic fashion, i was convinced by 5pm that next evening that he had given me the green light and all was good! i've probably changed my mind on his answer 39523 times since then. but i keep praying the prayer. cause truth is - i don't think he's answered yet. 

and whether he says yes or no, i can wait to see what he says. i can continue to try to make the good decisions worthy of the "yes" and i can continue to try to make the good decisions worthy of the "no". because neither answer is wrong - his ways are truly higher than mine. 

i like to think he was amused that i finally asked for it. cause he knew i wanted it. he heard me talk to other people about it. i can't imagine what it's like to be the God of the universe and wait for my child to talk to me about what she wants. 

the truly beautiful part of this is that if i'm trying to honor him in my life, loving him and trusting him, i will eventually stop praying this specific prayer. either because he gave it to me or because he didn't. and while i know which answer i am hoping for, my trust that he's got it all worked out for me supersedes my near-sighted plans for my own life.

i've said this before on this blog: i am grateful for the times i've been spared from the destruction of my own plans but i also have seen time and time again where God gives me what i want and blesses it. 

either way, {i'm sure you saw this coming} - life is so, so yellow. and i can't wait to see what he has planned for me.

xx

i. hate. complaining. {venting}

i really didn't want to write something about this but here i am, writing about it.

for some reason, some people think that fighting for animal rights and being okay with the abortion of human fetuses go hand in hand.

your first instinct might be to say, 'uhh i've never heard anyone say that, rachel' - but they do. i promise. i have had countless discussions with people about animal rights and many times, as SOON as i mention that i'm a PETA member, i hear, "5000 abortions take place in america every day".

the more passive aggressive person will put up a status quoting scripture or say something like, "hey PETA, i'm really enjoying this bloody steak. read Genesis ya morons!" or my favorite, "people care more about animals than humans. sad."

all because we believe in the ethical treatment of animals?

i'll pause to acknowledge that some animal rights activists are crazy. i am not. so we're not talking about everyone here. we're talking about me. and you.

yesterday, a tragedy occurred. right here in ohio. i am crazy thankful that no humans were killed by the animals that were freed. crazy thankful. however, my heart is broken that they were killed. my heart is broken that they lived here to begin with. a family is grieving their loss. i don't know why that man had these animals, i don't know why he let them go, i don't know why he took his life but he did. and i feel sorry for his family.

being an animal lover and animal rights supporter, seeing the pictures of the animals lying dead was devastating. but guess what? abortion devastates me too. i saw so many articles, so many facebook statuses today that criticized the people mourning the loss of the animals yesterday. ya know, cause that's constructive.

however, a lot of those people that often put up links to statistics about abortion or links to petitions you can sign to help fight abortion in our courts, do so from behind a desk at the computer, doing nothing.

newsflash: abortion isn't go anywhere legally in this country. it would be scary if it did. the amount of back alley abortions that would begin to take place again would bring about SO much death and disease. so instead of writing letters to your congressman or talking about how 'pathetic' america is that we care more about animals than human life, do something.

if you feel that passionately about it, don't try to convince a senator, spend your free time with some teenage girls. we spend so much time talking from behind a computer screen that it irritates us when someone cares about something seemingly more than they care about what we think they should care about.

it's so easy to complain. it's so easy to point fingers and say "shame shame" on america. it's so easy to criticize people's passions and concerns. it's really, really easy to do that. you know what's not easy? criticizing someone who's out changing a world they're not happy with.

so turn off your computer. stop acting better than people. leave your house. change the world.

adios amigos {goodbye}

i'm saying goodbye.
i'm probably not going to miss you.
hope that's not too harsh.
there just comes a time when you gotta go.

and it's time for you to get out of here.

so i'm saying goodbye to some people in my life.

if you lie to me, about me, about my family, about my loved ones.
if you manipulate me, manipulate my family, manipulate my loved ones.
if you are lazy.
if i am disposable to you.
if you are self-righteous.
if you only want me when you need me.
if you just won't stop complaining.
if you're ungrateful.
if you are conniving.
if you expect everyone to do everything for you and do nothing for anyone in return.
if you only call when you want to talk about yourself, your life, your struggles.
if you are always the victim.
if you can't be bothered by the people who have invested in you for years.
if you are demanding.
if you are demeaning.
if you couldn't care less about me, about my family, about my loved ones.
if you find pleasure in hurting people.
if you talk about me but not to me.
if you are bitter.
if you are unkind.

it would be awesome if i could actually remove all of those people from my life. but i can't. i can however, stop investing in, stop thinking about & stop being hurt by these people. people can only hurt you if you let them. they can only bother you if you let them. people can only be in your life if you let them.

so see ya.

those of you that i can actually remove myself from - adios. those of you i can't? i'm removing you from my priority list. life is too full, it's too beautiful, it's too yellow to be weighed down by these kinds of people.

and they're everywhere. every day, i'm dealing with manipulators and liars and complainers. every day, people are demanding, they're unkind, they're ungrateful & they're conniving. people that are most important to me are expectant, bitter, lazy & self-righteous. i lay awake at night thinking about people that i'm disposable to. i love people that admittedly use me and my loved ones.

and it's time for you to go. as td jakes said, i have the gift of goodbye. it's not that i'm hateful, i'm faithful. i have too much going on for me, too much potential, too many people that make me a better person to keep focusing on those that bring me down, upset me & don't care. my life is too yellow for you.

so this is it for us. it's been real. it's been fun. but it ain't been real fun.

xx

tikvah {hope}

so i did it.


i went to clifton on a whim on friday night with sheila and got a tattoo. 


i've had it planned for awhile - tikvah. the hebrew word for hope.


hope. it's so many things to me. it's what i cling to in my professional, personal, and spiritual life. it's the little girl that i love so much. it's the reason i can get through life's storms. it's everything. everything.


i had decided on tikvah when i was in college studying hebrew. i loved the word. i was way too scared to get a tattoo but i knew if i ever got the guts to, that's what i would get. then in 2009, my sister gave birth to the most beautiful little person i've ever seen and she named her hope. that's when i knew i would eventually go through with it. i love that child...in case you couldn't tell. :)


getting the tattoo this weekend was random and unplanned but seems to have come at the perfect time. 


it's a reminder - "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness."


i had a conversation with a friend on friday about faith and hope and belief and doubt. i told her something a friend of mine told me once - i feel sorry for people who don't struggle with their faith. i do. faith in Jesus Christ is {yeah i'm going to say this} kind of crazy. believing that a man, who was God, died on a cross for my sins and that, because i trust him as my savior, i will spend eternity in a place called heaven with him because a book tells me so - is crazy.


so there are times of doubt. when life is hard, when it doesn't make sense, when i'm angry with God himself - doubt prevails. but the reason i believe, the reason that my faith returns is because after doubt, hope prevails.


today is the anniversary of my sweet friend kevin's death. death is never easy - especially when they're young. i saw him at midnight the night before and by 8am on october 2, 2005, i got a phone call that he had passed away. that doesn't make sense. it's not fair. i cried and i cried and i cried that morning and i'm crying now. my friend dying at 23 years old when he had his whole life ahead of him and so much to offer to this world made doubt prevail.


this morning at church, we sang a song that says 'what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord." it was a reminder of where my hope is placed. there's a verse in 1 corinthians that says if our hope is in this life only, we are the people who should be most pitied. there are people who are strong enough to face life's trials and never waver in their faith. i am not one of them. i ask why all the time. i asked why on this day in 2005 and i probably have for one reason or another asked about one million times since. but my hope is eternal. which is why i can doubt and question when life sucks the faith out of me and then after, i can hope. i can believe. i can trust.


c.s. lewis said 'most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. there are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise.'


there are things that i hope for here on earth - success, love, health, peace. and there are things that i hope for that are eternal. and so as that little girl serves as a reminder of the hope i've placed in Jesus Christ, so does this tattoo, this word - tikvah. 


romans 5:2-4 - through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. more than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope.

movin' on up {creativity}

...to the east side. to that deluxe apartment in the sky. {well it's a studio on EAST kemper road so it kind of applies.}

i love thrift stores.

i love buying things for pennies at thrift stores and turning them into things that i love.

we get the keys to the new studio/office on saturday morning. {eek!!} sidenote: i realize that some of you know sheila and i and have seen that strangely enough, we're both getting the keys to our new studios on saturday and that even stranger, they're both in downtown glendale. guess what? same studio. :) we are not joining businesses - we are sharing space. yes, we work together on weddings. and yes, now we'll share a studio. but no, we are just friends who support each other and each other's businesses and like to spend time together making fun of everything. just had to answer that for a few of you that have asked.

one of my favorite things to do at the thrift store is buy frames and spray paint them at home so they all look the same. so cheap. i'd show you how to do that but i already have here.

here was my project today.

found these and they're ALMOST identical. one was 99 cents, one was 69 cents. the color of the wood is beautiful. which is why i didn't paint it, paint it another color and then distress it.

painted them ivory. looks pretty white in this picture but it's ivory. the studio is old school - in a historic district, wood floors, lots of windows. what we've gotten so far is antique-ish and awesome. warm colors is a must.

this wood ATE the paint. 5 flipping coats later...

time to sand. {sidenote: i googled this. i have no idea what i'm doing.}

yeah, it was night-time by the time i was able to finish it.

LOVE them. the natural wood coming through the soft color is awesome. so proud of these!

--

bought this small shelf for a couple quarters.

painted it black. sanded the detailed edges. {love.}

simple detail. LOVE.

--

i bought this mirror at the thrift store for 99 cents. you can't really tell here but it was an awful awful lavender/robin egg blue color. ick.

so first i painted it the ivory color from above.

then i spray painted it espresso brown.

then i sanded it so the ivory is coming through the texture. yes i need to clean the mirror.

those were my projects today. 

can't wait to get in this studio!

and don't worry. there will be something yellow in there somewhere. :)

xx

it's go time. {let's do this}

monday is go time.

i would say today is go time but this weekend is vacation and let's be honest, i'll be with maggie and she is bad for my waistline.

everyone that knows me knows about my weight loss journey since january of 2010. i've had an incredible amount of success but the last 2 months have been {for lack of a better word} pathetic.

i hit a plateau. it BLOWS. i have started to give up. super lame.

so now i'm being proactive. i met with a health professional/friend last night and i'm tackling this head on...on monday.

it's not that i have every intention of finishing this. i have every confidence that i will. it is not a matter of if, it is a matter of when.

i can't believe i have been so defeated after all that i've accomplished. i have lost an entire person {a decent size person at that ha} and i have no doubt that i can finish this.

i have the best cheerleaders. i've said that since day 1.
i have the physical ability.
i have the self-control {even when i don't act like it.}
i have the desire.
and i have the responsibility of deciding.

deciding that this is still the most important thing i do every day.
deciding that life can be as yellow as i want.
deciding that it's worth more than other things.
deciding that i'm worth more than i have convinced myself i am.

it is go time, folks.

keep me accountable? why thank you.

xx

silver linings {love}

there's a song that i love by mindy smith {who i love}. she says, "there's always a silver lining. the sun is always shining. so chin up now, stop your whining. keep on fighting..."

{love.}

there is always a silver lining. there is always blessing from tragedy. there is always hope after loss. there is always success after failure. there is always opportunity after mistakes. there is always a time to a laugh after you cry.

that's {beautiful}.

so here are some of my silver linings today. enjoy.

*i had rejection letter after rejection letter when i was applying after college for what i thought i wanted to do with my life but i found my passion and now i can't imagine doing anything else.
*a 150 load bottle of downey slowly poured out onto my laundry room and bathroom floors all night but today my apartment smells AWESOME.
*david passed away. but in the time after his death until now, sheila and i have formed this beautiful friendship that i am eternally grateful for.
*last week, the ice cream bars i paid for didn't make it into my grocery bags. enough said.
*i woke up at 4:45 this morning but i got to see the sunrise at the lake and it was worth it.
*i lost him but i found me.
*i don't have a lot of money but i have enough to get by happily.
*i'm not where i want to be health-wise but i've come so far.
*i didn't find a black dress last night like i needed to but i found a pinky peach one. ;)
*i never thought i'd be where i am in life right now but i'm really glad i am.
*i have never cried as much as i have in the last 6 weeks but He comforts me.
*summer is ending :( but fall is coming. :)
*i'm having to learn to let go but...i'm having to learn to let go. :)
*i got to see jimmy buffett last week...okay, no, that's just awesome.
*i made a terrible decision but i can fix it.
*i miss my long hair but short hair is so easy.
*life is hard but it's yellow.

it is so, so yellow.

crisp apple strudel {favorite things}

okay, not gonna talk about crisp apple strudel. even though it's DELISH.

yesterday i shared a recipe for the best pizza i've ever eaten {i am such a liar. the best pizza i've ever eaten was at gino's east of chicago. this would be the best pizza i've ever eaten that won't put me in an early grave.} so even though i won't have pictures to share with you, i thought i'd tell you guys a few other of my favorite things to make. things that are in the 'in-between' zone on natural/organic but are healthy and affordable alternatives to some of my favorite things.

FAVORITE BREAKFAST FOOD:

you'll need:
thomas multigrain light english muffin
egg white
kroger turkey sausage patty
kraft american 2% single

sometimes i use just egg and cheese, sometimes just turkey and cheese, sometimes all of them. it is so delicious and satisfying. if you use all 4 things, it has 217 calories, 7 grams of fat, 8 grams of fiber, 18 grams of protein. pair it with a greek yogurt and some fresh fruit and it's a BALLER breakfast.

note: they freeze well too. make them on sunday nights and have breakfast ready in 40 seconds every morning.

FAVORITE SIDE DISH:


you'll need:
spaghetti squash
olive oil
garlic
veggies

if you go way back in my blog, you'll see how to prepare spaghetti squash. it's one of my favorite things ever. i use it often in a main dish, but it's great on the side too. mix your squash with a little bit of olive oil, minced garlic, and some steamed veggies and eat it with a grilled chicken breast or turkey burger and you have a satisfying, healthy, delicious side.  {note: not that it's natural cause it isn't, but i skip out on the olive oil and use 'i can't believe it's not butter' spray. saves you mucho calories.} made my way, it's 70 calories, 1 gram of fat, 8 grams of fiber, 2 grams of protein. for a CUP of it. delish.

FAVORITE SALAD:


you'll need:
2 cups baby spinach
5 strawberries
1/4 cup craisins
1/8 cup slivered almonds
1/4 cup fat free feta cheese
2 tbsp fat free balsamic vinaigrette dressing {or see favorite dressing}

rip up the spinach, slice the strawberries, toss everything else. it's my favorite salad ever. and takes about 2 seconds to make and costs maybe 1/16 of what you'd pay eating out. high in fiber, good protein, has spinach in it - SUPERFOOD. made with the balsamic, it is 255 calories, 8 grams of fat, 13 grams of protein, 9 grams of fiber. if you measure it as listed above, it is a meal size salad. serve with grilled trout. perfection.

FAVORITE SALAD DRESSING:


you'll need:
1/2 cup champagne
1/2 cup jellied cranberry sauce
1/4 cup minced shallots
1 tsp dijon mustard
2 tbsp EVOO
salt and pepper to taste

i tried this dressing when i was in florida visiting my college roommate, alexandra. we both fell in love. we ate it with a pear and walnut salad {that is in second place as favorite salad ever. google it. love it.} i make this dressing weekly to have on hand. put everything in a pan and bring to a boil and them simmer until reduced to about 1/3 cup dressing. remove from heat and salt and pepper to taste. best served warm but good cold also. i haven't had the time to figure out the nutritional information of this dressing but i promise you - it's worth it! :) so yummy. and better for you than ranch, you can take that to the bank.

FAVORITE DINNER:


you'll need:
one can chili hot beans
one cup favorite salsa
1 link turkey smoked sausage

this is my take on 'red beans and rice'. i skip the rice. not a fan. plus empty carbs. and the meal doesn't need it. mix it all up. eat it. love me for it. portion control - eat a cup of it with a simple salad and you will love me. it's 250 calories, 7 grams of fat, 15 grams of protein, 6 grams of fiber.


so there are some of my favorite things. a lot of people think i eat foods you wouldn't want to eat {and some things i do i can admit that} but i really eat very similar to you. i just eat it at home {i know exactly what's in it}, natural/organic when i can {i...uh, know exactly what's in it...}, and healthier.

i've said it before. cut out the food you shouldn't be eating but to keep yourself sane, find a healthier option for some of them and let yourself have it. and remember, there is always a healthier option.

love love.

banana peppers make everything better {food}

oh my word.

i haven't shared any food info/recipes/etc in a long time. i'm always looking for ways to make my favorite foods healthier and at home. last night i had a craving for pizza. not just any pizza. my FAVORITE pizza.

last year i tried a pizza at adriatico's that about rocked my world. turkey {not turkey sausage or pepperoni, just turkey}, banana peppers, spinach, red sauce. sounded really weird. i got addicted.

so i made a homemade version last night. and here it is. :)

you will need:

like i said, not all that 'natural' like most of the foods i make, but its not terrible. the cheese is natural {most diet food pizzas do NOT use cheese}, everything else is fairly decent. i feel like i'm trying to justify this meal. maybe so. :) just wait.

put a little bit of the pizza sauce on the pita {you really don't need much. the peppers are juicy.} put on the turkey, tear up some baby spinach {forgot a picture of that. you know what it looks like.}, lay on the peppers, and then put the cheese on top. throw it in the toaster oven for a few minutes and voila.

DELICIOUS.

even better?

220 calories, 8 grams of fat, 9 grams of fiber, 28 grams of protein.

you're welcome.

sunday mornings {hope}

I downloaded an app that let's me write this from my phone. let the blogging way too much commence.

I wrote a blog last year on this date. I cried the entire time I wrote it. I'll be crying as I write this I'm sure. {sidenote: I cry. A lot. I think that's been established.}

Hope turns 2 tomorrow. Who's Hope? My niece. Otherwise known as the best thing that ever happened to me. {okay, she happened to my sister but that is a minor detail.}

I look back at those Sunday mornings alone with her in the NICU as some of the most precious moments in my life. {ah, I'm crying. didn't take long.} It seemed like no one was ever in there on Sunday mornings except for me, the nurses, the beeping monitors on all of the babies, and the Psalms. I would read them to Hope while she laid there. The first time I held her was alone there on a Sunday morning. {okay, now it's more like weeping. get it together.}

I can't believe that was 2 years ago. She has brought us so much joy. Just like every other family with a little one, every gathering and holiday is spent just staring at her and laughing at what she's doing. As they should be!

She is an incredible little girl - so full of life and genuinely happy. It doesn't hurt that she's stunning {and I'd say that even if I weren't her aunt}. She's funny and she's smart and she's sweet and when she pats my back as she hugs me, it makes the worst day better.

I realize that she actually belongs to my sister {again, with the details} but who doesn't love their super best friend auntie? I think we'll be friends forever.

So happy 2nd birthday to our joy, our light, our goat, our Hope. We love you, babygirl. Our lives would be so boring without you.

xx

baby steps {life}

i have 2 blisters on my feet, i can't move my left arm, every time i laugh my abdomen aches, and my right knee is throbbing.

i feel awesome. and i'm not even being sarcastic.

i really feel awesome! if you stalk my facebook, you know that i was cleared by the doctor to start running again this past week. {sidenote: if you don't stalk me, you don't know this. i slipped a disc in my neck, pinched a nerve between my shoulder blades & sprained 4 muscles in my left shoulder. super. fun.} i thought i was going to hate it. it had been so long since i ran! but no. it came back pretty naturally. it helps that it's been gorgeous out this week - fall weather even. so pretty that i overdid it. ran 2 miles my first morning back - that's fine. stayed between 2 and 3 most days. tried to be a hero and did 5 miles on monday. the same day that i fell down the concrete stairs outside of my door. not smart.

today i was cleared to lift weights again - with caution of course. so i did. and then i realized that after 6 weeks of not lifting, my right arm was pretty weak. after 6 weeks of virtually not moving my left arm - there is no strength at all. confession: i definitely just did bicep curls with a 5 pound weight. and my arm was shaking. i haven't used it all. not to brush my hair, not to pick up a glass of water - nothing. it hurt so bad to do the littlest things. and i didn't even realize that the strength was gone.

so now here i am. the desire is back. last year i lived for the gym! this morning i ran 3 miles and tonight i worked out for an hour and ran another 2. i'm not bragging - i'm telling you the desire is there. the ability? not so much. baby steps.

which seems to be the theme of my life this week. baby steps. i'm taking baby steps towards a change in my professional life this week,  i took some baby steps in my personal life, i am taking baby steps in getting healthy again, etc.

i know my personality. when i'm in something, i'm in it. this can be one of my greatest attributes...and this can be my biggest fault. i tend to throw everything into what i'm doing. obviously there have been times this has proven beneficial {when i started my weight loss journey} and times when it hasn't {'what happened' if you'll remember that from a previous blog...ha}.

i really believe God has done some things in recent days to protect my heart from doing just that. scotty said at church 2 weeks ago that "God is preparing you for what He has prepared FOR you". i started crying. imagine that. i feel like that's where i am right now. being prepared. and just like conditioning for sports used to hurt so bad in high school, we had to do that before we started practice. and we had to practice before we could play.

i'm being conditioned. physically, emotionally, professionally, relationally, spiritually. it isn't the most fun. but i am clinging to promise of the future - He's prepared something for me. and right now i'm getting ready for it.

so here's to baby steps. letting go of my control issues and my tendency push too much, too hard.

the sweet thing about conditioning is that there's something to look forward to. it's not too long until you get to play.

xx

i get by with a little help from my {friends}

i just got done vacuuming the apartment and as i was putting the vacuum up, i thought "really rachel? even your vacuum is yellow?" everything that i can get in yellow - i do.

this weekend was yellow. why? my friends.

i got to spend quality time with my mom {who is definitely my friend}. i got to go to a concert where my friend was performing and listen to him with my two best friends in the world and their husbands. i got to see sheila {who started as an acquaintance, grew to a business partner of some sort and has graduated to being the savior of my sanity. most definitely a great friend.} i got to hang out saturday afternoon with my sister's best friend libby. last night, i sat by the pool, went to dinner and then went dancing with 4 of my best friends. i woke up today to them still in my house :) and then 2 of my lifelong best friends came over this afternoon.

lots of friends.

i'm a lucky girl. friends to laugh with, friends that pay at happy hour {thanks paul!}, friends that really don't mean to make you cry but hug you when you do {uhhh, thanks paul!}, friends that come over and sit on the couch and stalk facebook with you, friends that don't get mad at you for being dramatic and throwing a ripped up receipt at them, friends that know you don't like hugs but do it anyway when you need one, friends that make you laugh so hard you can't breathe, friends that don't mind sharing a bed with you, another friend, and a dog, friends that.....i could keep going.

like i said, i'm a lucky girl. and can i just pause to say that i realize i mentioned at least 6 best friends above? i have even more. i know that typically 'best' can only be rewarded to one but in terms of friendship, i don't compare my friends to decide which one is best. if you're honest and loving and helpful and supportive and trustworthy and hilarious - you're the best kind of friend so you're my best friend. easy as that.

i haven't always been the best friend. i have moments when i'm not honest, i'm not supportive or helpful. {i'm always hilarious though.} and what makes my friends the best is that they forgive me for it. i need to add that to the list. forgiving. the best quality of all.

they make my life yellow. and in times when things are so dark, they bring me back to who i am. there's a proverb that says 'laughter is to the soul what soap is to the body.' i love that. i also love the fun fact that you can burn like a bajillion calories laughing and while i haven't seen that work yet, i'm still trying to make it.

i focus so often on what i do not have when what i have is immeasurable. i have so much to be grateful for including the people in my life that pick me up when i'm down, laugh at my terrible jokes & won't judge me for wearing the same dress for 36 hours {oops}.

life is so yellow.

oh and by the way, my bright yellow vacuum cleaner is AWESOME. duh.

xx

i'm just kidding {laughs}

i feel like i've been lying to you guys. you wouldn't be able to tell by reading this blog but i'm actually a very light-hearted, funny person. the funny part could be debatable but i think i'm hilarious and so does at least one other person so i'm claiming it.

all of these blog posts are so serious {and rightfully so. life has been beating me up lately.} but i actually spend most of my days laughing hysterically. either at the kids, my friends, or youtube videos that i watch instead of working/sleeping/eating/breathing, etc.

first thing that made me laugh this week:

hi-larious. and i try not to, but man, i just love katy perry. and this song.

second thing that made me laugh this week:

i went to KI last night with joy {my best friend since i was 3 for those of you who don't properly stalk my facebook}. on the way, i told her about going to peru {more about that soon}. she asked if that was in india.

sigh.

on the way home from KI, she said something about me "going all commando and shooting someone." she may have been referring to the arnold movie but i thought she meant something else which caused about 5 minutes of straight laughter. apparently, i can't wear underwear to kill someone. good to know. for future reference, ya know.

third and final thing that made me laugh this week {or at least made the blog list}:

kennedy had been sleeping in the closet for a few weeks which made me sad. i like when he sleeps in the bed with me. he stayed at my parents' while i was out of town last week and ever since he's been in the bed the whole night every night. luckily, the bed is plenty big enough for both of us. apparently last night he decided it wasn't. i woke up at least 5 times to him either sleeping on my stomach, on my face, behind my back on his stomach {which wasn't fun for either of us when i tried to roll over} and at one point, he was on his back between my knees. then it happened. it was 4:28 {i picked up my phone to look so that i could properly document this}. my 21 pound poodle pushed me off the bed. i woke up when i hit the floor. i looked up and he was laying where i had been snoring. bless his heart.

speaking of funny things, did you know God has a sense of humor? He totally does. too many good things are coming from bad decisions. that's what is so good about this life. even when our actions are less than admirable, good can come from it. things can happen that i don't plan. and when they do, i have to admit he's got a funny side. cause like most of my friends have read on texts i've sent them - "i couldn't make this stuff up if i tried."

i hope i never stop saying that.
cause all the funny things help make this life yellow.

ah, wanted to end this blog with that but gus just said "rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel....wipe my butt please."


yellow. <3

now and later {learning}

{there are times it hurts to learn. and there are times it is incredibly exciting. i've experienced both lately.}

i have several boxes of keepsakes. love notes from high school, ticket stubs to concerts, cards from my parents...you know the stuff. in one of my boxes is one single now and later. you know, the candy. i think it's watermelon. and 12 years later, it's hard as a rock. but it's still there.

i got that now and later from a friend {at the time she was my youth pastor's wife. now she's my pastor's wife} as a reminder that the decisions i make now will affect me later. i'm sure when i was 14 years old that she was trying to inspire me not to drink or have sex or any of the other things teenage girls will no doubt regret when they're older. but when i found that now and later the other day, i wasn't thinking of the consequences later of the decisions now, but the benefits.

i have worked jobs, had relationships, made choices, went through uncomfortable times, etc that maybe were fun, maybe weren't. maybe i worked there to make me appreciate the next job. maybe i went through that to make me stronger for this.

i know that i work a million hours a week now so that i can be successful and work less later.
i know that he was in my life now to show me the kind of love that i want later.
i know that i have to pay for this now to make more later.
i know that i have to continue my life change now so that i'm healthy later.
i know that i am in this not-so-fun self-learning time now so that i can be who i'm supposed to be later.

it is easy to see the downside of the now and later analogy. that if you mess this up now, you'll pay for it later. if you don't try this, you'll regret it later. those are much more obvious results. but thinking about the benefits - it's exciting. it's challenging and inspiring to think of the good that will come from what i do now. i don't want to live in fear of what will happen if i do this, if i don't do that. i want to live expecting good to come and make decisions that will bring good about. i am so encouraged today by the promise of what's to come.

keeping with that thought, can i pause for a second to tell you what i'm most grateful for today? that time and time again, i am spared from the imminent destruction of my own plans. i can't tell you how many times things have not gone my way. thank God for that. not that it doesn't hurt when they don't - it does. not that it doesn't take time for me to come to the realization - it definitely does. but without fail, every time i'm able to look back at something not going my way, i am better off for it. his ways are better than mine.

and it is proved to me time and time again, how it is his plan, his will that will make my life the brightest shade of yellow.

love xx

you are my sunshine {love}

two weeks ago was 3 years since i've known my red-heads.

i remember when i met the girls. they hid under their blankets and wouldn't talk to me. i wasn't sure we were going to click. i'm very good with children so i knew that i could get them to warm up, i just didn't know if i would have a connection with them the way i have with other kids i had been with before.

looking back, that just seems ridiculous. they are my joy.

let me start with the adults. all of them are like family to me now. but especially lora, lora, lora. she is me in 30 years. if you've been around us together, you know that this is completely true {and somewhat scary}. just this past friday, we were on a typical rachel/lora adventure with the kids that included a broken down car, stopping traffic for an hour plus, a baby that screamed for...about an hour plus, and a few other things i will not include because believe me, you don't want to know. and we just sat in the front seats of that car and laughed. and laughed. and laughed. so we wouldn't cry. she's my second mom. i can talk to her about anything, she would do anything for me. she gets mad when i'm hurt. she's proud of what i have accomplished. and mainly, she's just about as crazy as i am and we totally deserve each other.

sarah and i are completely different in some ways and creepily similar in others. i was always closer to lora than her {probably because she's normally at work when i'm there. duh. the point of a nanny.}. but when she and the kids suffered their blow, our relationship turned to friendship and i do believe that is one of the blessings that came from the tragedy. now she is one of my best friends. she is also almost as crazy as me and that may be why. :) her friendship means so much to me whether we are eating pizza at reds games or crying on the sofa. she is always there for me and my family whether it's watching hope for jessica, visiting my dad in the hospital, or bringing me 2 dozen roses when i have a broken heart. i am incredibly blessed to know her. she is the strongest person i know.

the twins. oh those girls. if lora is me in 30 years, izzi is me 20 years ago. promise. they are nuts. izzi and i can have a throw down and 2 seconds later, she is telling me i am her favorite person in the world. i actually prefer to spend time with them over most adults. they are the funniest little girls i have ever met. my mom has always said i should keep a book of all of the things izzi says. i could make a million dollars. just two weeks ago when i was laying on the couch, crying my eyes out because of the slipped disc/pinched nerve, maddi was sitting in my nest {when i lay sideways on the couch - the area between my bent knees and the couch - her favorite place} rubbing my leg and telling me it was going to be okay. :) they are my absolute joy. especially during our daily dance parties when they are laughing so hard that they can't breathe. these have been the best 3 years of my life.

and then there's the baby. who really isn't a baby anymore but regardless, i will most likely always call him the baby. i can't really wrap my head around how i can love someone so much who isn't even mine. i am so lucky to have known him every day of his little life, {i would show you our first picture together in the hospital but that was 140 pounds ago and i don't want to scare you.} he is the smartest, bossiest, sweetest little man i know. when he learned how to say my name, i cried. when he first said 'lub you rachel' i cried. when i smashed his little finger in the door {something that he cried about for all of .2 seconds} i cried for about 12 hours until someone finally told me to get a grip. every single day that i've had him, i have sung 'you are my sunshine' to him multiple times but always when i rock him before his nap {and yes, he still lets me}. about a month and a half ago, i started singing "you are..." and he sang "my shunshinnnne" and obviously i burst into tears. :) i am wrapped around his finger, completely in love with his little face, and may or may not fake cry on occasion so i can hear him say, "rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel........sowwy" cause it's just so cute i can't stand it. when i am broken, he saves me.

so much has happened in the last 3 years, good and bad. but sarah found me for a reason. i called her back for a reason. and i can't begin to explain to you exactly how yellow they have made my life. but i thought i'd try. :)

xx

maybe the hardest thing i've ever written {exposed}

There are very few people in the world that I genuinely do not like. There are people that I wouldn’t want to meet for breakfast. But my mother raised me right and there aren’t many people that I wouldn’t be polite to and have conversation with if I saw them in public. I can really only think of one. I’ll get back to her in a minute.

I was at the library with the girls last week and picked up a book that I recognized. Most likely because at one point, I owned it, was supposed to go through it at a weekly meeting with a group {and I only went once, oops} and then sold it at my yard sale in May. Never read it. Didn’t think I particularly needed to and now I’m pretty sure it was sitting out at the library last Tuesday very, very specifically. A book about insecurity. Hmm. Yes, we are going to talk about that again. Why? Because it’s ruining my life.

I read the first two chapters sitting in the library and did everything in my power not to sob in public {cause that is so my thing lately}. I promise you she was writing that first chapter to me. About me. Because of me. It was a tad demoralizing. I am more insecure than I even knew. And the very day that I decided to read this book, that I decided to tackle the issue that I had just recently discovered even existed, I took a blow that 1. I believe came partially as a result of my insecurity and 2. Is now posing a threat to worsening the condition.

Since I live my life in the public eye thanks to the glory of social networking, let’s just refer to that from here on out as “what happened”. Cause we all know. Got it? Good.

Let me count the ways my insecurity ruined it. Page 25 in the book – “If we let too much ride on a relationship, a blowout is inevitable. The very nature of pressure is to blow.” Guilty. Page 35 – “You see, the trap is not only in placing our security in something that gives us a false positive. It’s also fighting like a mad dog to keep it there.” VERY guilty. The cut that hurt worst? Page 23 – “The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery.”

I have never been more aware.

And to be completely honest {which I can be and tend to always be, to a fault on occasion but that’s another blog}, I am angry. At first, I want to say that I’m angry with everyone and everything that added weight to the baggage that has caused my insecurity. But really – I’m the only one carrying it. So I’m angry with myself. I don’t know about you, but I thought a book about insecurity would try to make me happy with myself. Maybe that’s in a chapter I haven’t gotten to yet. I’m guessing that being angry about this battle was something I had to come to in order to heal.

I did it. I helped ruin it. And like my beautiful friend told me Thursday morning, I can choose now if this will be one more thing to toss on top of my pile of hurts and mistakes that I carried into what happened and continue to carry it all, or I can learn from it. I’m choosing option two.

Which is a struggle. On page 31 – “She is often the last person to come around to the truth, sometimes believing to her dying breath that if she could just do this or control that, she could quell that ache inside of her. She is driven to the ridiculous by her chronic need for affirmation.” I’ve never felt more exposed than when I read that. I’ve actually never felt more exposed than when I read any of this book so far. I can look back at what happened and see not only when I set up the situation to be disappointed {I even said that word which I never want to hear again} but I can see as clear as day when I was ridiculous because I needed to be affirmed. Ridiculous. That had to be exhausting.

Last night, I was at the pool with a dear friend. We were talking about what happened and I started telling him about the insecurity and the role it played. And immediately, he acted like the thought of me being insecure was ridiculous. Because I am this, because I have that. People don’t get it. It has nothing to do with that. That girl I told you about at the very beginning? He compared me to her, said we had a lot in common. And for the first time, I saw her in a different light. Do I want to have breakfast with her? Not at all. But I feel sorry for her. It breaks my heart that she feels what I have been feeling. Insecurity can ruin everything. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, even her.

So that’s where I am. On this journey of loving myself, becoming secure with myself. Not because I may be successful, liked, pretty or loved. But because I am me. And that is enough.

This hasn’t been a great week. But even in the darkest times, my life is pretty yellow.

random {thoughts}

random thoughts in my head today that for some reason i felt like sharing with you:

1. pandora is really great until it plays a song that you really don't want to hear. and then i hate it. no i don't change the song. i just curse pandora the whole time it's playing.
2. when your heart is hurting, just don't listen to any music at all. because i promise every single song that could possibly make your heart hurt worse will play. sometimes 3 different times in the same day.
3. i have learned so much about myself in the last 5 days. a lot of which i do not like.
4. half the battle. now i get to to change it.
5. i will forever have sympathy for people that have disc/nerve problems. after the pain i've been in for the last 9 days, i can't imagine people that live with this chronically. it's awful.
6. i need some yellow in my life. fast.
7. i miss gus every day that i'm not around him. that baby/little boy/man child is so special.
8. you cannot intentionally hurt someone you love. it's impossible. you don't hurt them on purpose or you don't love them. bottom line.
9. someone just had this on their fb status and i had to steal it: if your presence doesn't matter, your absence won't. #truth
10. i am overwhelmed every day with everything i have to do.
11. my dad just called. i miss living with my parents. i miss living with anyone.
12. i am so incredibly lonely and it is ruining pretty much every part of my life. this would the first thing on my "fix" list.
13. starting with KI with joy tomorrow night for a few hours. she knows me better than i know myself and i am incredibly grateful for her friendship.
14. i really really hate olives. tried to love one yesterday. hated it.
15. i have to go shoot in this weather. FAIL. okay that means i have to wrap this up.
16. i'm not as strong as i thought i was.
17. i'm not as hard hearted as i thought i was either.
18. i don't love 16. but i think 17 is a good thing.
19. i have more than most people do and i welcome that reminder. keeps me seeing this life in perspective.
20. i am a good person. i need that reminder.
21. maggie is the best thing ever. maybe because she's my left lung.
22. in the end, everything will be okay. if it's not okay, it's not the end.
23. uh, the end.

xx

that's just the way it is {perspective}

i have been a blogging machine. this has very much to do with the fact that kennedy doesn't talk back and the apartment gets lonely sometimes. so if you're one of those people that are interested in my ramblings, here's a blog for you. OR you could come over. i'll make you dinner.

perspective is a huge thing for me today. it's amazing how you can change your mind about your situation by looking at it a different way.

here are some things going on this week:
1. i have been struggling with my insecurity (like i told you the other day) like crazy.
2. i got the most beautiful vase of flowers from alex last night.
3. i'm having a hard time trying to adjust to the loneliness of this apartment.
4. a guy i met when i visited utah had a brain tumor removed and i just found out it's stage 4 and there is little hope.
5. gus told me he loved me 49208502 times today.
6. i cried, okay sobbed, in public last night for an hour.
7. i spent 7 hours with 2 of my best friends on saturday and laughed harder than i have in months.
8. i bought a new dress and it doesn't fit.
9. i missed a deadline.
10. my kitchen needs cleaned so bad and i have absolutely no desire to clean it.
11. i went swimming with some friends sunday night and got to relax. it was awesome.
12. i am being stretched a little thin and something's gotta give.
13. i haven't been to the gym all week and i feel awful.
14. i fell a little more in love last night.

it's really hard for me to think 1, 3, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12 or 13 matter when i think about number 4.

i remember when i grew up. it was my senior year of high school. in november, my childhood friend died in a car accident. in april, my sister's friend died of cancer 3 weeks after they found out she had it. nothing quite makes you grow up more than realizing that being young doesn't spare you from heartache, disease, or even death. i remember october 1, 2005. the bw3's near campus had just opened and i went there that night and saw kevin working. i hadn't seen him in a few weeks and i got to talk to him for a few minutes. he was one of those people that everyone felt like they knew. i remember getting ready on october 2, 2005 and bridgett calling me around 8am. kevin was dead. 8 hours after i saw him he was just gone. i remember sitting in my aunt's living room two mays ago and my dad coming in and telling us that david was gone. just like that. 27 years old. gone.

life just isn't fair.

and hearing and knowing about other people hurting and struggling and losing makes me feel dumb that my biggest problems are that a dress doesn't fit or my kitchen is dirty. but there's something about hearing and knowing all of those stories that make saturdays with my best friends, being told that you're loved by a 1 year old, and falling in love even sweeter.

perspective.

so tonight i will sit at this desk and work without complaining. i will send prayers and thoughts to utah. i will forget about my deadlines and the gym. and i'll change the water in my flowers because tonight, they're enough to make everything okay.

heart on my sleeve {insecurity}

insecurity is the thorn in my side.
i would assume that most of the people that know me would be surprised to find out it's my biggest struggle. i think i come across as confident. but then again, the people that seem happiest are often the broken ones. we all do a fairly decent job of pretending. {i tried to find a better word for pretending there since it has a negative connotation. i don't think it's altogether negative.} there is a time for vulnerability. and this is mine.

i am extremely happy. 99.9% of my day is pretty carefree. i've never been much of a worrier. life is good. which is why i'm sure it seems extremely odd that i can go from 'life is good' to 'ow. my heart' in .5 seconds. and the sad, sad fact of that is it truly can take very little to do that.

there's an alanis morissette song that i love {okay, i love every single alanis morisette song}. a few different lines from it: "one forgotten phone call and i'm deflated", "one small sideways look and i feel so ungood", "your hand pulling away and i'm devastated." {insecurity at it's best.}

realizing you have a problem is half the battle right? okay, well here's me admitting my problem: the way i feel about myself relies much too heavily on other people. ugh. it really comes down to me accepting me and that's a long and hard road to go down. i'm the only one who knows absolutely everything about me. i know every single thing i've done and i know every single emotion i've felt and if i could convey that, describe that to you then maybe you could understand my insecurity.

there are so many ways to feel insecure. as a woman, the first thing you think of is beauty & physical insecurities. i think people would assume after changing my appearance for the better over the last year and half that i would have a whole new sense of confidence. false. i have less. i question how i look 100 times more now than i did before. i question intentions of people getting close to me 100 times more than i did before. this is most definitely part of my insecurity. in my job - i think i'm pretty good at it until someone questions that and then i seriously and legitimately consider quitting. just like that. there are people i do a lot for that i truly believe appreciate me until they do something that makes me think they don't and then i seriously and legitimately question my worth to them and in general.

good night, that paragraph sounded so damaged. i'm not. like i said before, i am happy. i'm just finding my way through this struggle. and i do that by reminding myself that this isn't about everyone else, it's about me. at the end of the day, i have to know that i can stand on my own two feet confidently without the approval or love or affirmation of anyone. anyone. not my friends, not my parents, not my clients, not my boyfriend. do i want their approval, their love, their affirmation? more than anything. but i need to know that i'd be okay as me without any of it.

that's another line in the alanis song - "these little rejections, how the disappear quickly the moment i decide not to abandon me." i'm the only one who knows every single thing about me and i'm the only one who is always here. every single person will fail me at some point. i am very positive that i have failed everyone i love at least a thousand times. it happens. i've been let down, i've been left. and i have to find some way to not let that break me. even though it's not ideal, it's not what i want or what i expect, i have to get to the point where i would be okay if it was just me. if i lost everything and if everyone walked away from me.

there's a message by td jakes that i read, quote, share all of the time. just the other day i shared it with a friend that i thought needed the reminding. and then when i was reading it, i realized it was me who needed it today.

"There are people who can walk away from you and hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left..."

i have absolutely no idea what will happen in my life. where i will be, who will be there, what i'll be doing. the only person that i know will be constantly present is me. i can hope for other people to continue to love me and i hope they do. but i have to find a way to believe that i am all of the things that they love about me. i have to believe that i'm as beautiful as he says that i am. i have to believe that i'm as good at my job as my clients tell me i am. i have to believe that i am as {fill in the blank} that {fill in the blank} thinks i am.

because if i don't believe it and they stop saying it, i'm that broken girl that i was a year and a half ago. the one who i would like to pretend is gone but is still here evidently writing this blog.

i am happy. very, very happy. i know that i have people that love me and that alone helps me go to bed every night feeling okay. i just need to get to the point where i could sleep well even if they didn't. and i'm on my way...

xx