There are very few people in the world that I genuinely do not like. There are people that I wouldn’t want to meet for breakfast. But my mother raised me right and there aren’t many people that I wouldn’t be polite to and have conversation with if I saw them in public. I can really only think of one. I’ll get back to her in a minute.
I was at the library with the girls last week and picked up a book that I recognized. Most likely because at one point, I owned it, was supposed to go through it at a weekly meeting with a group {and I only went once, oops} and then sold it at my yard sale in May. Never read it. Didn’t think I particularly needed to and now I’m pretty sure it was sitting out at the library last Tuesday very, very specifically. A book about insecurity. Hmm. Yes, we are going to talk about that again. Why? Because it’s ruining my life.
I read the first two chapters sitting in the library and did everything in my power not to sob in public {cause that is so my thing lately}. I promise you she was writing that first chapter to me. About me. Because of me. It was a tad demoralizing. I am more insecure than I even knew. And the very day that I decided to read this book, that I decided to tackle the issue that I had just recently discovered even existed, I took a blow that 1. I believe came partially as a result of my insecurity and 2. Is now posing a threat to worsening the condition.
Since I live my life in the public eye thanks to the glory of social networking, let’s just refer to that from here on out as “what happened”. Cause we all know. Got it? Good.
Let me count the ways my insecurity ruined it. Page 25 in the book – “If we let too much ride on a relationship, a blowout is inevitable. The very nature of pressure is to blow.” Guilty. Page 35 – “You see, the trap is not only in placing our security in something that gives us a false positive. It’s also fighting like a mad dog to keep it there.” VERY guilty. The cut that hurt worst? Page 23 – “The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery.”
I have never been more aware.
And to be completely honest {which I can be and tend to always be, to a fault on occasion but that’s another blog}, I am angry. At first, I want to say that I’m angry with everyone and everything that added weight to the baggage that has caused my insecurity. But really – I’m the only one carrying it. So I’m angry with myself. I don’t know about you, but I thought a book about insecurity would try to make me happy with myself. Maybe that’s in a chapter I haven’t gotten to yet. I’m guessing that being angry about this battle was something I had to come to in order to heal.
I did it. I helped ruin it. And like my beautiful friend told me Thursday morning, I can choose now if this will be one more thing to toss on top of my pile of hurts and mistakes that I carried into what happened and continue to carry it all, or I can learn from it. I’m choosing option two.
Which is a struggle. On page 31 – “She is often the last person to come around to the truth, sometimes believing to her dying breath that if she could just do this or control that, she could quell that ache inside of her. She is driven to the ridiculous by her chronic need for affirmation.” I’ve never felt more exposed than when I read that. I’ve actually never felt more exposed than when I read any of this book so far. I can look back at what happened and see not only when I set up the situation to be disappointed {I even said that word which I never want to hear again} but I can see as clear as day when I was ridiculous because I needed to be affirmed. Ridiculous. That had to be exhausting.
Last night, I was at the pool with a dear friend. We were talking about what happened and I started telling him about the insecurity and the role it played. And immediately, he acted like the thought of me being insecure was ridiculous. Because I am this, because I have that. People don’t get it. It has nothing to do with that. That girl I told you about at the very beginning? He compared me to her, said we had a lot in common. And for the first time, I saw her in a different light. Do I want to have breakfast with her? Not at all. But I feel sorry for her. It breaks my heart that she feels what I have been feeling. Insecurity can ruin everything. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, even her.
So that’s where I am. On this journey of loving myself, becoming secure with myself. Not because I may be successful, liked, pretty or loved. But because I am me. And that is enough.
This hasn’t been a great week. But even in the darkest times, my life is pretty yellow.
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