heart on my sleeve {insecurity}

insecurity is the thorn in my side.
i would assume that most of the people that know me would be surprised to find out it's my biggest struggle. i think i come across as confident. but then again, the people that seem happiest are often the broken ones. we all do a fairly decent job of pretending. {i tried to find a better word for pretending there since it has a negative connotation. i don't think it's altogether negative.} there is a time for vulnerability. and this is mine.

i am extremely happy. 99.9% of my day is pretty carefree. i've never been much of a worrier. life is good. which is why i'm sure it seems extremely odd that i can go from 'life is good' to 'ow. my heart' in .5 seconds. and the sad, sad fact of that is it truly can take very little to do that.

there's an alanis morissette song that i love {okay, i love every single alanis morisette song}. a few different lines from it: "one forgotten phone call and i'm deflated", "one small sideways look and i feel so ungood", "your hand pulling away and i'm devastated." {insecurity at it's best.}

realizing you have a problem is half the battle right? okay, well here's me admitting my problem: the way i feel about myself relies much too heavily on other people. ugh. it really comes down to me accepting me and that's a long and hard road to go down. i'm the only one who knows absolutely everything about me. i know every single thing i've done and i know every single emotion i've felt and if i could convey that, describe that to you then maybe you could understand my insecurity.

there are so many ways to feel insecure. as a woman, the first thing you think of is beauty & physical insecurities. i think people would assume after changing my appearance for the better over the last year and half that i would have a whole new sense of confidence. false. i have less. i question how i look 100 times more now than i did before. i question intentions of people getting close to me 100 times more than i did before. this is most definitely part of my insecurity. in my job - i think i'm pretty good at it until someone questions that and then i seriously and legitimately consider quitting. just like that. there are people i do a lot for that i truly believe appreciate me until they do something that makes me think they don't and then i seriously and legitimately question my worth to them and in general.

good night, that paragraph sounded so damaged. i'm not. like i said before, i am happy. i'm just finding my way through this struggle. and i do that by reminding myself that this isn't about everyone else, it's about me. at the end of the day, i have to know that i can stand on my own two feet confidently without the approval or love or affirmation of anyone. anyone. not my friends, not my parents, not my clients, not my boyfriend. do i want their approval, their love, their affirmation? more than anything. but i need to know that i'd be okay as me without any of it.

that's another line in the alanis song - "these little rejections, how the disappear quickly the moment i decide not to abandon me." i'm the only one who knows every single thing about me and i'm the only one who is always here. every single person will fail me at some point. i am very positive that i have failed everyone i love at least a thousand times. it happens. i've been let down, i've been left. and i have to find some way to not let that break me. even though it's not ideal, it's not what i want or what i expect, i have to get to the point where i would be okay if it was just me. if i lost everything and if everyone walked away from me.

there's a message by td jakes that i read, quote, share all of the time. just the other day i shared it with a friend that i thought needed the reminding. and then when i was reading it, i realized it was me who needed it today.

"There are people who can walk away from you and hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left..."

i have absolutely no idea what will happen in my life. where i will be, who will be there, what i'll be doing. the only person that i know will be constantly present is me. i can hope for other people to continue to love me and i hope they do. but i have to find a way to believe that i am all of the things that they love about me. i have to believe that i'm as beautiful as he says that i am. i have to believe that i'm as good at my job as my clients tell me i am. i have to believe that i am as {fill in the blank} that {fill in the blank} thinks i am.

because if i don't believe it and they stop saying it, i'm that broken girl that i was a year and a half ago. the one who i would like to pretend is gone but is still here evidently writing this blog.

i am happy. very, very happy. i know that i have people that love me and that alone helps me go to bed every night feeling okay. i just need to get to the point where i could sleep well even if they didn't. and i'm on my way...

xx