you are my sunshine {love}

two weeks ago was 3 years since i've known my red-heads.

i remember when i met the girls. they hid under their blankets and wouldn't talk to me. i wasn't sure we were going to click. i'm very good with children so i knew that i could get them to warm up, i just didn't know if i would have a connection with them the way i have with other kids i had been with before.

looking back, that just seems ridiculous. they are my joy.

let me start with the adults. all of them are like family to me now. but especially lora, lora, lora. she is me in 30 years. if you've been around us together, you know that this is completely true {and somewhat scary}. just this past friday, we were on a typical rachel/lora adventure with the kids that included a broken down car, stopping traffic for an hour plus, a baby that screamed for...about an hour plus, and a few other things i will not include because believe me, you don't want to know. and we just sat in the front seats of that car and laughed. and laughed. and laughed. so we wouldn't cry. she's my second mom. i can talk to her about anything, she would do anything for me. she gets mad when i'm hurt. she's proud of what i have accomplished. and mainly, she's just about as crazy as i am and we totally deserve each other.

sarah and i are completely different in some ways and creepily similar in others. i was always closer to lora than her {probably because she's normally at work when i'm there. duh. the point of a nanny.}. but when she and the kids suffered their blow, our relationship turned to friendship and i do believe that is one of the blessings that came from the tragedy. now she is one of my best friends. she is also almost as crazy as me and that may be why. :) her friendship means so much to me whether we are eating pizza at reds games or crying on the sofa. she is always there for me and my family whether it's watching hope for jessica, visiting my dad in the hospital, or bringing me 2 dozen roses when i have a broken heart. i am incredibly blessed to know her. she is the strongest person i know.

the twins. oh those girls. if lora is me in 30 years, izzi is me 20 years ago. promise. they are nuts. izzi and i can have a throw down and 2 seconds later, she is telling me i am her favorite person in the world. i actually prefer to spend time with them over most adults. they are the funniest little girls i have ever met. my mom has always said i should keep a book of all of the things izzi says. i could make a million dollars. just two weeks ago when i was laying on the couch, crying my eyes out because of the slipped disc/pinched nerve, maddi was sitting in my nest {when i lay sideways on the couch - the area between my bent knees and the couch - her favorite place} rubbing my leg and telling me it was going to be okay. :) they are my absolute joy. especially during our daily dance parties when they are laughing so hard that they can't breathe. these have been the best 3 years of my life.

and then there's the baby. who really isn't a baby anymore but regardless, i will most likely always call him the baby. i can't really wrap my head around how i can love someone so much who isn't even mine. i am so lucky to have known him every day of his little life, {i would show you our first picture together in the hospital but that was 140 pounds ago and i don't want to scare you.} he is the smartest, bossiest, sweetest little man i know. when he learned how to say my name, i cried. when he first said 'lub you rachel' i cried. when i smashed his little finger in the door {something that he cried about for all of .2 seconds} i cried for about 12 hours until someone finally told me to get a grip. every single day that i've had him, i have sung 'you are my sunshine' to him multiple times but always when i rock him before his nap {and yes, he still lets me}. about a month and a half ago, i started singing "you are..." and he sang "my shunshinnnne" and obviously i burst into tears. :) i am wrapped around his finger, completely in love with his little face, and may or may not fake cry on occasion so i can hear him say, "rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel........sowwy" cause it's just so cute i can't stand it. when i am broken, he saves me.

so much has happened in the last 3 years, good and bad. but sarah found me for a reason. i called her back for a reason. and i can't begin to explain to you exactly how yellow they have made my life. but i thought i'd try. :)

xx

maybe the hardest thing i've ever written {exposed}

There are very few people in the world that I genuinely do not like. There are people that I wouldn’t want to meet for breakfast. But my mother raised me right and there aren’t many people that I wouldn’t be polite to and have conversation with if I saw them in public. I can really only think of one. I’ll get back to her in a minute.

I was at the library with the girls last week and picked up a book that I recognized. Most likely because at one point, I owned it, was supposed to go through it at a weekly meeting with a group {and I only went once, oops} and then sold it at my yard sale in May. Never read it. Didn’t think I particularly needed to and now I’m pretty sure it was sitting out at the library last Tuesday very, very specifically. A book about insecurity. Hmm. Yes, we are going to talk about that again. Why? Because it’s ruining my life.

I read the first two chapters sitting in the library and did everything in my power not to sob in public {cause that is so my thing lately}. I promise you she was writing that first chapter to me. About me. Because of me. It was a tad demoralizing. I am more insecure than I even knew. And the very day that I decided to read this book, that I decided to tackle the issue that I had just recently discovered even existed, I took a blow that 1. I believe came partially as a result of my insecurity and 2. Is now posing a threat to worsening the condition.

Since I live my life in the public eye thanks to the glory of social networking, let’s just refer to that from here on out as “what happened”. Cause we all know. Got it? Good.

Let me count the ways my insecurity ruined it. Page 25 in the book – “If we let too much ride on a relationship, a blowout is inevitable. The very nature of pressure is to blow.” Guilty. Page 35 – “You see, the trap is not only in placing our security in something that gives us a false positive. It’s also fighting like a mad dog to keep it there.” VERY guilty. The cut that hurt worst? Page 23 – “The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery.”

I have never been more aware.

And to be completely honest {which I can be and tend to always be, to a fault on occasion but that’s another blog}, I am angry. At first, I want to say that I’m angry with everyone and everything that added weight to the baggage that has caused my insecurity. But really – I’m the only one carrying it. So I’m angry with myself. I don’t know about you, but I thought a book about insecurity would try to make me happy with myself. Maybe that’s in a chapter I haven’t gotten to yet. I’m guessing that being angry about this battle was something I had to come to in order to heal.

I did it. I helped ruin it. And like my beautiful friend told me Thursday morning, I can choose now if this will be one more thing to toss on top of my pile of hurts and mistakes that I carried into what happened and continue to carry it all, or I can learn from it. I’m choosing option two.

Which is a struggle. On page 31 – “She is often the last person to come around to the truth, sometimes believing to her dying breath that if she could just do this or control that, she could quell that ache inside of her. She is driven to the ridiculous by her chronic need for affirmation.” I’ve never felt more exposed than when I read that. I’ve actually never felt more exposed than when I read any of this book so far. I can look back at what happened and see not only when I set up the situation to be disappointed {I even said that word which I never want to hear again} but I can see as clear as day when I was ridiculous because I needed to be affirmed. Ridiculous. That had to be exhausting.

Last night, I was at the pool with a dear friend. We were talking about what happened and I started telling him about the insecurity and the role it played. And immediately, he acted like the thought of me being insecure was ridiculous. Because I am this, because I have that. People don’t get it. It has nothing to do with that. That girl I told you about at the very beginning? He compared me to her, said we had a lot in common. And for the first time, I saw her in a different light. Do I want to have breakfast with her? Not at all. But I feel sorry for her. It breaks my heart that she feels what I have been feeling. Insecurity can ruin everything. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, even her.

So that’s where I am. On this journey of loving myself, becoming secure with myself. Not because I may be successful, liked, pretty or loved. But because I am me. And that is enough.

This hasn’t been a great week. But even in the darkest times, my life is pretty yellow.

random {thoughts}

random thoughts in my head today that for some reason i felt like sharing with you:

1. pandora is really great until it plays a song that you really don't want to hear. and then i hate it. no i don't change the song. i just curse pandora the whole time it's playing.
2. when your heart is hurting, just don't listen to any music at all. because i promise every single song that could possibly make your heart hurt worse will play. sometimes 3 different times in the same day.
3. i have learned so much about myself in the last 5 days. a lot of which i do not like.
4. half the battle. now i get to to change it.
5. i will forever have sympathy for people that have disc/nerve problems. after the pain i've been in for the last 9 days, i can't imagine people that live with this chronically. it's awful.
6. i need some yellow in my life. fast.
7. i miss gus every day that i'm not around him. that baby/little boy/man child is so special.
8. you cannot intentionally hurt someone you love. it's impossible. you don't hurt them on purpose or you don't love them. bottom line.
9. someone just had this on their fb status and i had to steal it: if your presence doesn't matter, your absence won't. #truth
10. i am overwhelmed every day with everything i have to do.
11. my dad just called. i miss living with my parents. i miss living with anyone.
12. i am so incredibly lonely and it is ruining pretty much every part of my life. this would the first thing on my "fix" list.
13. starting with KI with joy tomorrow night for a few hours. she knows me better than i know myself and i am incredibly grateful for her friendship.
14. i really really hate olives. tried to love one yesterday. hated it.
15. i have to go shoot in this weather. FAIL. okay that means i have to wrap this up.
16. i'm not as strong as i thought i was.
17. i'm not as hard hearted as i thought i was either.
18. i don't love 16. but i think 17 is a good thing.
19. i have more than most people do and i welcome that reminder. keeps me seeing this life in perspective.
20. i am a good person. i need that reminder.
21. maggie is the best thing ever. maybe because she's my left lung.
22. in the end, everything will be okay. if it's not okay, it's not the end.
23. uh, the end.

xx

that's just the way it is {perspective}

i have been a blogging machine. this has very much to do with the fact that kennedy doesn't talk back and the apartment gets lonely sometimes. so if you're one of those people that are interested in my ramblings, here's a blog for you. OR you could come over. i'll make you dinner.

perspective is a huge thing for me today. it's amazing how you can change your mind about your situation by looking at it a different way.

here are some things going on this week:
1. i have been struggling with my insecurity (like i told you the other day) like crazy.
2. i got the most beautiful vase of flowers from alex last night.
3. i'm having a hard time trying to adjust to the loneliness of this apartment.
4. a guy i met when i visited utah had a brain tumor removed and i just found out it's stage 4 and there is little hope.
5. gus told me he loved me 49208502 times today.
6. i cried, okay sobbed, in public last night for an hour.
7. i spent 7 hours with 2 of my best friends on saturday and laughed harder than i have in months.
8. i bought a new dress and it doesn't fit.
9. i missed a deadline.
10. my kitchen needs cleaned so bad and i have absolutely no desire to clean it.
11. i went swimming with some friends sunday night and got to relax. it was awesome.
12. i am being stretched a little thin and something's gotta give.
13. i haven't been to the gym all week and i feel awful.
14. i fell a little more in love last night.

it's really hard for me to think 1, 3, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12 or 13 matter when i think about number 4.

i remember when i grew up. it was my senior year of high school. in november, my childhood friend died in a car accident. in april, my sister's friend died of cancer 3 weeks after they found out she had it. nothing quite makes you grow up more than realizing that being young doesn't spare you from heartache, disease, or even death. i remember october 1, 2005. the bw3's near campus had just opened and i went there that night and saw kevin working. i hadn't seen him in a few weeks and i got to talk to him for a few minutes. he was one of those people that everyone felt like they knew. i remember getting ready on october 2, 2005 and bridgett calling me around 8am. kevin was dead. 8 hours after i saw him he was just gone. i remember sitting in my aunt's living room two mays ago and my dad coming in and telling us that david was gone. just like that. 27 years old. gone.

life just isn't fair.

and hearing and knowing about other people hurting and struggling and losing makes me feel dumb that my biggest problems are that a dress doesn't fit or my kitchen is dirty. but there's something about hearing and knowing all of those stories that make saturdays with my best friends, being told that you're loved by a 1 year old, and falling in love even sweeter.

perspective.

so tonight i will sit at this desk and work without complaining. i will send prayers and thoughts to utah. i will forget about my deadlines and the gym. and i'll change the water in my flowers because tonight, they're enough to make everything okay.

heart on my sleeve {insecurity}

insecurity is the thorn in my side.
i would assume that most of the people that know me would be surprised to find out it's my biggest struggle. i think i come across as confident. but then again, the people that seem happiest are often the broken ones. we all do a fairly decent job of pretending. {i tried to find a better word for pretending there since it has a negative connotation. i don't think it's altogether negative.} there is a time for vulnerability. and this is mine.

i am extremely happy. 99.9% of my day is pretty carefree. i've never been much of a worrier. life is good. which is why i'm sure it seems extremely odd that i can go from 'life is good' to 'ow. my heart' in .5 seconds. and the sad, sad fact of that is it truly can take very little to do that.

there's an alanis morissette song that i love {okay, i love every single alanis morisette song}. a few different lines from it: "one forgotten phone call and i'm deflated", "one small sideways look and i feel so ungood", "your hand pulling away and i'm devastated." {insecurity at it's best.}

realizing you have a problem is half the battle right? okay, well here's me admitting my problem: the way i feel about myself relies much too heavily on other people. ugh. it really comes down to me accepting me and that's a long and hard road to go down. i'm the only one who knows absolutely everything about me. i know every single thing i've done and i know every single emotion i've felt and if i could convey that, describe that to you then maybe you could understand my insecurity.

there are so many ways to feel insecure. as a woman, the first thing you think of is beauty & physical insecurities. i think people would assume after changing my appearance for the better over the last year and half that i would have a whole new sense of confidence. false. i have less. i question how i look 100 times more now than i did before. i question intentions of people getting close to me 100 times more than i did before. this is most definitely part of my insecurity. in my job - i think i'm pretty good at it until someone questions that and then i seriously and legitimately consider quitting. just like that. there are people i do a lot for that i truly believe appreciate me until they do something that makes me think they don't and then i seriously and legitimately question my worth to them and in general.

good night, that paragraph sounded so damaged. i'm not. like i said before, i am happy. i'm just finding my way through this struggle. and i do that by reminding myself that this isn't about everyone else, it's about me. at the end of the day, i have to know that i can stand on my own two feet confidently without the approval or love or affirmation of anyone. anyone. not my friends, not my parents, not my clients, not my boyfriend. do i want their approval, their love, their affirmation? more than anything. but i need to know that i'd be okay as me without any of it.

that's another line in the alanis song - "these little rejections, how the disappear quickly the moment i decide not to abandon me." i'm the only one who knows every single thing about me and i'm the only one who is always here. every single person will fail me at some point. i am very positive that i have failed everyone i love at least a thousand times. it happens. i've been let down, i've been left. and i have to find some way to not let that break me. even though it's not ideal, it's not what i want or what i expect, i have to get to the point where i would be okay if it was just me. if i lost everything and if everyone walked away from me.

there's a message by td jakes that i read, quote, share all of the time. just the other day i shared it with a friend that i thought needed the reminding. and then when i was reading it, i realized it was me who needed it today.

"There are people who can walk away from you and hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left..."

i have absolutely no idea what will happen in my life. where i will be, who will be there, what i'll be doing. the only person that i know will be constantly present is me. i can hope for other people to continue to love me and i hope they do. but i have to find a way to believe that i am all of the things that they love about me. i have to believe that i'm as beautiful as he says that i am. i have to believe that i'm as good at my job as my clients tell me i am. i have to believe that i am as {fill in the blank} that {fill in the blank} thinks i am.

because if i don't believe it and they stop saying it, i'm that broken girl that i was a year and a half ago. the one who i would like to pretend is gone but is still here evidently writing this blog.

i am happy. very, very happy. i know that i have people that love me and that alone helps me go to bed every night feeling okay. i just need to get to the point where i could sleep well even if they didn't. and i'm on my way...

xx

it's not always rainbows and butterflies {venting}

i'm a predominantly positive person. or at least, i blog that way so you think that i am. my blog is about health and creativity and love. well today - it's about venting. that's the beauty of blogging. i can passive-aggressively call people out and go on with my day. thank God for technology.

1. dear neighbor, you live in an apartment building. that allows dogs. that is also situated almost directly across the street from a dog daycare and kennel. and your apartment is seriously one of the closest ones to this. if you do not like dogs, you can move. ugh. now that kennedy has adjusted to the new place, he barks maybe a time or two a day - when someone comes into the apartment, etc. and the neighbor is apparently keeping a list and filling me in on every instance when he runs into me outside my apartment door. perhaps i should keep a list of every time i smell smoke in my apartment but i'm super environmentally friendly and that amount of paper would be ludicrous. {sidenote: i just spelled that ludacris and it corrected it for me. LUDA!}

2. it's really cute when people pretend to know how to do my job and criticize how i do it. i think if you knew exactly what went into what i do {which includes working from about 7-6 every day then coming home to work again til about midnight...every day} you would shut your mouth. i love my job. is my situation ideal right now? no. which is why i'm working so hard to change it. no one else is forcing me to work really long days every day of the week. i am. because i'm trying to be better, i'm trying to get to the point where i don't have to work that much. so if what i'm doing is not good enough for you, then it will never be. but since i know it's my absolute {best}, it's good enough for me and i sleep well at night. i am no longer concerned by what you think of the job i'm doing. i finally realized that there is a reason people hire me. i'm good at what i do. and that's reason enough to ignore your opinion.

3. the casey anthony saga is awful. i followed the case and i get why they couldn't convict her even though everyone knows she did it/had something to do with it. it irritates me that with even less evidence {circumstantial at that}, ryan widmer has been convicted twice. the guy didn't kill his wife. and as much as thinking about a woman killing her child and going free sickens me, a man not killing his wife and serving a sentence in prison for it just makes me sad. and thinking about little caylee anthony makes me think about marcus fiesel. the public gets outraged when someone kills a child but sadly, they get over it. because there's always another one. there's always another tragedy, there's always another monster. sad. times.

4. i don't put too much stock into what people say about me. if you do, you live controlled and worried about what they'll say next. sometimes what they say is true, most times it isn't. there seems to be a trend among people that talk trash. they're liars. but as much as i don't think one opinion makes you, there has to be something said when everyone feels/thinks a certain way. example: if one person thinks you're a jerk, maybe you are/maybe you aren't. if 99.9% of the people that know you think you're a jerk, um, you're a jerk. you're not being portrayed badly, interpreted wrongly, misrepresented, or misunderstood. you're who they say you are. when everyone has the same experience with you and comes out of it with the same conclusion, arguing with their findings just makes you look even stupider. be an adult. take responsibility for your actions. if you don't like what one person says about you, get over it. if you don't like what {everyone} is saying about you, quit giving them a reason to say it.

just a few more complaints:

5. why was there one checkout lane open at walmart last night? i waited in line for 35 minutes. THIRTY FIVE MINUTES.
6. i'm pretty sure a pit bull running around loose in my neighborhood breaks a few rules but no one will do anything about it. i dare that pit bull to do anything to my poodle. you know what they say - the only difference between an angry woman and a pit bull is lipstick. and i will knock on the door of the 3 college-aged, steroid-pumping tools that own him and throw down. if you doubt that, we've clearly never met.


well. i think that's it. i feel much better. now i will return to the typical style blog you love to read on here:

it's a beautiful day. the sun is shining. i feel good. i love my boyfriend. i get to see my friends today.
life= good.

xx