facebook statuses.
sigh.
before i make my list of facebook statuses that make me want to punch someone, force someone to live in a second or {gasp!} third world country for like, a day, or delete you from my facebook {which these days is like real life so those are hefty words}, let me pause to say this: yes i realize i probably would make some of your lists. if someone whose statuses are song lyrics 90% of the time bothers you - i'm sure you can't stand me. but let's be honest, george strait and billy joel's heartfelt words are way less annoying than mine. or maybe you can't stand the person that checks in everywhere they go. hey. i live alone. i think it's responsible. if i go missing, you know i was at lifetime 6 hours ago and at cadillac ranch 24 minutes ago. you'd have a good start on your search party. maybe you hate yellow {shame on you!}. maybe the XO annoys you. i got nothing for that. i'm just girly.
so here we go.
1. #peoplethathashtagtosaytheyhatehashtags. yes, we all know this isn't twitter. we know hash tags won't work on facebook. we don't care. we're being clever. example: "ugh! i dropped my prada bag on the floor at nordstrom and my iphone fell out and broke! #firstworldproblems". i will "like" that status. this one: "this isn't twitter, morons. #youcanthashtaghere" will get an eye roll. that is not clever. it's not even original. #growup
2. i have been guilty of this one a time or two but it was before i was old enough to rent a 15 passenger van. if you're that age or older and you've been dating for less than a month, please don't make every single status about him/her. we all see that and say this to each other ; "noooooot gonna last." you're not in love. you haven't even had time to stalk each other's exes yet. now, i don't think it's altogether wrong to make a status about the person you do love. i've done it. lots of times. i've been guilty of a "i love this man." status a time or two or even a "on a date with a cute boy <3". semi-annoying, i realize this, but acceptable in a relationship. however, statuses almost every day that say something like "i have the most beautiful, caring girlfriend ever." make me want to punch you and make me think you are trying to convince yourself of that. it's endearing for a season. and if you try to start that season prematurely or make it last too long, you're acting like a 14 year old girl with her first boyfriend. and no one likes a 14 year old girl with her first boyfriend.
3. "i'm going to make this super bigoted status about that religion or political group that is SO bigoted." enough said. morons.
4. not sure if you know this or not, but the unemployment rate is at like 8.3% right now. so it's fair to assume that most of us have a job. some/most even have jobs they don't enjoy. the ones that do enjoy their job still don't want to work all the time. that being said: "i hate my job.", "i have to go to work. :( :( :(", "can't believe i have to work for 3 hours on a saturday. :(" will make me want to punch you harder than i typically want to punch people. A. you have a job. be grateful. B. you have a job. be grateful. C. no one LIKES to work. but we LIKE all the stuff we have. so shut your mouth. and D. you have a job. be grateful. especially if your job is really not that hard. oh and sidenote, i work every saturday. i just one-upped you. take that. rewind it back.
5. if you purposely spell things wrong, use ThIs KiNd oF tYpe, talk in third person or have statuses that say something like "lms {which i just learned was 'like my status' ugh} if you know what it's like to be a balllllllllllller", there really is no hope for you. like, at all.
6. election years are annoying enough without social networking. at this point, you've established that you hate republicans. everyone knows. everyone knooooooows. stop arguing with people on facebook about politics. it takes a lot for someone to change their political beliefs. you're not convincing anyone when you argue. you're just trying to make sure everyone knows how smart you are {come see how good i look!}. you want everyone to know the statistics you know, the articles you've read, the true goodness you see in candidate A. umm, politicians are evil. all of them. and wasting your time during election year ranting about liberals, conservatives, and oh yeah, election year itself, makes you punch-worthy.
7. i know this one will bother some people. but let me just break it down for you. you had kids. you probably wanted to. a lot of people have kids. a lot of people are tired because of those kids. you don't have to always tell us about it. i realize i don't have kids. but you're tired because someone had an accident in the middle of the night and i'm tired from being awesome all day long. we're all tired. let it go. may i also use this as an opportunity to tell you to stop using said kids as an excuse? i know you have 5 kids. but if you can update your status about them driving you crazy, you can return a phone call. #justsaying #howyalikethathashtag
8. i'm going to put up this passive aggressive status about people being passive aggressive. sigh.
9. cry for help facebook statuses. i don't even need to show you any examples. you know who you are. and you just got blocked.
10. and last but certainly not least - some of the worst offenders of all. "ugh. i'm going to delete my facebook. not worth the drama." and "if you can see this, you made it through round 1. deleted a bunch of people. don't need fake 'friends'." sigh. and sigh. and sigh. A. if you're going to delete your facebook, you would have. we all know what reaction you're going for. and let's be honest, if you're putting up a status like that, you probably love the drama. in fact, you probably ARE the drama. take it down a notch or two. no one cares. and B. please don't let me make it past round 2 in your deleting party. go ahead and delete me. it will save me the trouble.
i miss the days when it said "john doe is..." and then you had to fill it out. you legit had to say what you were doing. i mean, i just put song lyrics up anyway but i digress. at least the ranting was at a low. the cries for help were few and far between. and the desire to punch people was minimal.
so carry on, facebookers. keep telling me about your boyfriend {that you're going to post after-break-up taylor swift lyrics about in 2 weeks}, your 9 kids {one word: vasectomy}, your hatred of facebook {i got nothin} and hOw eXiCteD yOu ArE aBoUt JuStiN's nEw alBuM!!!
sigh.
punches.
yellow.
love.
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