thank you {thanksgiving}

so all month, people {including me} have been posting daily about what they're thankful for and about who they're thankful for. and why.  i'd like to take a moment {and really just a moment as it's a holiday and i want to choose to spend it wisely} thanking all of the people that didn't make the traditional list.

i'd like to thank my next door neighbor for hating my dog and complaining about him the day i moved in. i've thanked you by not always picking up after him on our walks. you're welcome.

i'd like to thank a girl i didn't really like for marrying a guy that i really did love. cause i just saw a recent picture and he let himself go. AND he wasn't that nice to me. so thanks.

i'd like to thank the kid in high school who called me a fat b**** in front of the whole class and made me cry. you gave me the thick skin i needed to get through life so far and you made me watch what i say to people.

i'd like to thank every single rejection letter i got from jobs i thought i wanted when i graduated college. what i thought was a desperate attempt to make money because you said i was unqualified turned out to be my passion. and sidenote: i was more than qualified.

i'd like to thank the guy who made fun of me in front of a big group when i started my business. i remember vividly - "you're going to be a photographer? you know you have to actually be talented right?" that was followed by laughter from a few of the guys. funny how my photos were in elle magazine. someone should tell them i need talent. thanks for adding to the thick skin.

i'd like to thank sallie mae for making sure i start college funds for my children when they're born.

i'd like to thank every guy i've ever dated who didn't treat me well. thank you for showing me what i don't want.

i'd like to thank mcdonald's for upping their price of the double cheeseburger that one summer because joy and i finally stopped eating them.

i'd like to thank all of the people who have ever hurt me but more than that, i'd like to thank all of the people that have ever forgiven me for hurting them.
i'd like to thank all of the people who broke my trust but more than that, i'd like to thank all of the people who have forgiven me for breaking theirs.

every person in my life has made me who i am today, the good and the bad.  so i just wanted to say thanks.

and to that guy from high school, look at me now. ;)

happy thanksgiving.
xx

if tomorrow never comes {everyone's doing it}

i heart blogs.

i really do. well. i heart well-written ones that make me laugh, make me cry, make me think. and occasionally, i like blogs that are like mine and share a random youtube video of a kid lip-synching to katy perry.

so far today, i've read 3 blogs. one from someone in my field and when i followed the link to her pricing, i wanted to vomit. {just a thought - why do you give 8 hours of coverage by 2 photographers if you're only going to give them FIFTY images at the end? i won't even go into what they were charging for thas...} one about sports - specifically football...even more specifically this past sunday's steelers-bengals game. {this young team can hang with the big names. for sure.} and then one by a man who recently lost his father and sister in law. he wrote a letter to his family just in case he should suddenly pass. it made me cry. it made me laugh. it made me want to write one.

so here goes.

in case i should suddenly pass while doing something awesome, i want the following things to be known.

mom and dad, jess knocked over that big family Bible that one time when no one would admit doing it and we didn't get to go to the movies since someone was lying. i watched her do it.

jess, i forgive you for that. finally.

i fully expect a yellow funeral. if people are not wearing yellow, turn them away. okay, don't do that but give them a dirty look and make them sit in the back.

if kennedy isn't taken in by someone who loves me, i will make sure all of your one way tickets are headed south.

my chickens - you made me a better person. i love you to the moon and back.

i started to think of who to give what to, but in reality, you guys are going to need to sell everything i own to pay off my debts so....sorry about that.

please don't let them keep my facebook account up.

yes, jonathan was my favorite family member. just stating the obvious there.

after my funeral, i want everyone to go to cock and bull {in groups of 15 please. the place is tiny for real.} and tell stories about me...that are appropriate. please.

maggie, sorry about busting your nose that one time. but since you projectile vomited me, i think i was just calling it even. hope you never stop doing our firework dance...or order one taco, please.

i want my girls to take a trip to louisville every year around my birthday. it wouldn't hurt if there was a guy with a reds hat on there.

i want my brother and sister to tell my nieces all about their super cool aunt. and how she loved them with her whole heart. and make sure they are raised right - as reds fans. the die-hard kind.

i hope you were truly proud of me, mom and dad. i was proud of you.

if the bengals ever win the super bowl, i expect someone to write a status update that i would have written. it should go like this: "fairweather fans, if you even think of saying who dey, i will personally come to your house and beat the crap out of you."

joy - i'll make sure our mansions are as close up in heaven as our houses are now. so we can say we're going to go run together...and go eat mexican instead.

cry. i want you to cry. a lot of people say, i don't want you to cry for me after i go. well, i do. i mean, seriously. cry your freaking eyes out. and then move on.

think of me when you hear michael jackson sing, when you watch someone tear all their food apart, when you pass rarity mountain on the way to tennessee, when you say "i can't handle it", when you watch a jude law movie, when you hear an old garth brooks song, when you see someone take all the cheese off their pizza and eat it last, when you skip over a JFK documentary on the history channel, when someone points in the air when they talk, when octoberfest comes out in the fall, when someone starts a joke with "what's the difference between a grape and an elephant?", when you eat hummus, when RENT comes to town, when you feel like arguing over politics or something equally as pointless to argue about, when 'witchita lineman' comes on the radio, when you do the 'rachel' dance {it should always live on}, when you sing "fancy" at karaoke, when you hear someone laugh really, really, really loud...

and mostly - i want you to think of me whenever you can sit back and say, "life is so yellow." and i hope that is often. more because i wish nothing but happiness for everyone but a LITTLE because i want you to think about me. let's be honest. if you forget about me, i'll....haunt you or something.

i have zero plans of going anywhere anytime soon. but i'm not promised tomorrow so in case i go, i wanted you all to know all of that. until then, i'd like to start living like tomorrow might not happen. speak in love, give, pause and rethink unkindness, visit my mamaw, go for a run outside, return my phone calls, talk to God, laugh, and remind myself that if tomorrow DOESN'T come, these 26 years 4 months 27 days and 41 minutes have been yellow. very, very yellow.

xx

scar tissue that i wish you saw {life}

"dead people don't have scars."

someone said that to me 5 or 6 months after my car accident when i was being emo about mine. if you've met me in the last few years, you'd probably say, "what scars?" believe me, they were there. the ones on my left hand were most noticeable. my hand was pretty much covered with them and well, i'm left handed so often when i reached for something or waved at someone, i'd hear, "oh my gosh, what happened to your hand??" the ones on my face were thankfully near my hairline and fairly easy to cover with makeup. i didn't wear a dress for the longest time because the ones on my legs always brought about that same question - "oh my gosh, what happened to you??"

i remember a doctor saying that he expected my skin {specifically my face} to heal well based on how fast it began to heal from the beginning. i did not have high expectations. i was young and vain and mortified by my scars, even the ones in really unimportant places like my hands and even my toes.

then i heard those words - "dead people don't have scars." it took me a few minutes to get it and months to understand it.

i was alive.

an accident that could have {and logically, should have} taken my life, didn't. it beat me up, it caused me pain, it left me with scars but it didn't kill me.

i think you know where i'm going with this. :)

speaking personally, i have a lot of scars. not only on my skin but on my soul. some, maybe most, are self-inflicted. some are not. some are really fresh. some have been there for years. some didn't hurt all that bad. some of them nearly killed me.

but they didn't.

those of you that didn't even know i had scars on my face, my hands, my legs - you're the proof that scars fade. with proper care, they do. so i use vitamin e for my body and the love of my savior, my family and my friends for the ones on my soul.

they're never really gone. and as along as you're alive, you'll probably keep getting them. you'll accidentally cut yourself chopping vegetables, you'll get your heart broken, you'll fall playing sports, and you'll be betrayed by someone you trust. but if you keep getting them, it means nothing's killed you yet.

so keep living.
scars fade.
life is so yellow.

xx