makin' plans {prayer}

i have very rarely in my life prayed specifically for something. like FOR something. like - "God, give me {fill in the blank}. i pray for the basics for myself and my loved ones - health, safety, etc. if i know of a need, i'll pray that - "God, bring healing, bring them peace, work that situation out..." i pray for the success of my business but i always say - "and God, i ask that you would continue to bless my business." i don't say, "God, i'd like to take over the city" - which is much more accurate if i'm being honest. if i'm at a crossroads in my relationship, i ask God to work it out, i don't say "God, have them forgive me." or "God, take them away from me." 

i'm learning that i pray generic prayers.

to a very specific God.

not that there is a way to pray. most of my prayers are jumbled messes on the way to work where i get distracted halfway through by traffic or wondering if i left my phone at home. i try to pray every night when i lay down and often times, i drift off 20 words into it {which might be because i fall asleep within 2 minutes of laying down. it's fantastic.}.

just about a week and a half ago, i was laying there one night praying. i prayed for my family. i prayed for a few needs. i prayed the same prayer i've been praying for the same friend for weeks. and then i prayed for me. i prayed for forgiveness {i say it every time}. i prayed for an opportunity the next day to show his love {i say it every time}. i prayed for continued blessings on my work {i pray it every time}. i prayed for his hand on a few situations i'm in {i pray it every time}. my mind lingered on one of the situations and my mind wandered away from my prayer. i literally laid there and thought "i know what i want. why don't i just ask him for it?" that's nothing i've ever prayed before. i laughed out loud and returned to my prayer - "and God, i know that you work everything out for good for those who love you. i know that you promise to give us the desires of our heart. well. i want ______. and i'm asking for it. or i'm asking you to change the desires of my heart and take it away. completely."

which personally i thought was pretty dang gutsy. because the reality of the situation is - i don't want it to go away. not at all. i want it. but if it's not what he wants for me, then i need to be able to let it go. i trust that he wants me to not only be happy, but be the happiest. i believe this makes me happy so i'm asking for it or i'm asking for a change of heart.

i've prayed that exact prayer now every morning and every night. in true dramatic fashion, i was convinced by 11am the next morning that he had answered - and not in my favor. in even higher dramatic fashion, i was convinced by 5pm that next evening that he had given me the green light and all was good! i've probably changed my mind on his answer 39523 times since then. but i keep praying the prayer. cause truth is - i don't think he's answered yet. 

and whether he says yes or no, i can wait to see what he says. i can continue to try to make the good decisions worthy of the "yes" and i can continue to try to make the good decisions worthy of the "no". because neither answer is wrong - his ways are truly higher than mine. 

i like to think he was amused that i finally asked for it. cause he knew i wanted it. he heard me talk to other people about it. i can't imagine what it's like to be the God of the universe and wait for my child to talk to me about what she wants. 

the truly beautiful part of this is that if i'm trying to honor him in my life, loving him and trusting him, i will eventually stop praying this specific prayer. either because he gave it to me or because he didn't. and while i know which answer i am hoping for, my trust that he's got it all worked out for me supersedes my near-sighted plans for my own life.

i've said this before on this blog: i am grateful for the times i've been spared from the destruction of my own plans but i also have seen time and time again where God gives me what i want and blesses it. 

either way, {i'm sure you saw this coming} - life is so, so yellow. and i can't wait to see what he has planned for me.

xx

i. hate. complaining. {venting}

i really didn't want to write something about this but here i am, writing about it.

for some reason, some people think that fighting for animal rights and being okay with the abortion of human fetuses go hand in hand.

your first instinct might be to say, 'uhh i've never heard anyone say that, rachel' - but they do. i promise. i have had countless discussions with people about animal rights and many times, as SOON as i mention that i'm a PETA member, i hear, "5000 abortions take place in america every day".

the more passive aggressive person will put up a status quoting scripture or say something like, "hey PETA, i'm really enjoying this bloody steak. read Genesis ya morons!" or my favorite, "people care more about animals than humans. sad."

all because we believe in the ethical treatment of animals?

i'll pause to acknowledge that some animal rights activists are crazy. i am not. so we're not talking about everyone here. we're talking about me. and you.

yesterday, a tragedy occurred. right here in ohio. i am crazy thankful that no humans were killed by the animals that were freed. crazy thankful. however, my heart is broken that they were killed. my heart is broken that they lived here to begin with. a family is grieving their loss. i don't know why that man had these animals, i don't know why he let them go, i don't know why he took his life but he did. and i feel sorry for his family.

being an animal lover and animal rights supporter, seeing the pictures of the animals lying dead was devastating. but guess what? abortion devastates me too. i saw so many articles, so many facebook statuses today that criticized the people mourning the loss of the animals yesterday. ya know, cause that's constructive.

however, a lot of those people that often put up links to statistics about abortion or links to petitions you can sign to help fight abortion in our courts, do so from behind a desk at the computer, doing nothing.

newsflash: abortion isn't go anywhere legally in this country. it would be scary if it did. the amount of back alley abortions that would begin to take place again would bring about SO much death and disease. so instead of writing letters to your congressman or talking about how 'pathetic' america is that we care more about animals than human life, do something.

if you feel that passionately about it, don't try to convince a senator, spend your free time with some teenage girls. we spend so much time talking from behind a computer screen that it irritates us when someone cares about something seemingly more than they care about what we think they should care about.

it's so easy to complain. it's so easy to point fingers and say "shame shame" on america. it's so easy to criticize people's passions and concerns. it's really, really easy to do that. you know what's not easy? criticizing someone who's out changing a world they're not happy with.

so turn off your computer. stop acting better than people. leave your house. change the world.

adios amigos {goodbye}

i'm saying goodbye.
i'm probably not going to miss you.
hope that's not too harsh.
there just comes a time when you gotta go.

and it's time for you to get out of here.

so i'm saying goodbye to some people in my life.

if you lie to me, about me, about my family, about my loved ones.
if you manipulate me, manipulate my family, manipulate my loved ones.
if you are lazy.
if i am disposable to you.
if you are self-righteous.
if you only want me when you need me.
if you just won't stop complaining.
if you're ungrateful.
if you are conniving.
if you expect everyone to do everything for you and do nothing for anyone in return.
if you only call when you want to talk about yourself, your life, your struggles.
if you are always the victim.
if you can't be bothered by the people who have invested in you for years.
if you are demanding.
if you are demeaning.
if you couldn't care less about me, about my family, about my loved ones.
if you find pleasure in hurting people.
if you talk about me but not to me.
if you are bitter.
if you are unkind.

it would be awesome if i could actually remove all of those people from my life. but i can't. i can however, stop investing in, stop thinking about & stop being hurt by these people. people can only hurt you if you let them. they can only bother you if you let them. people can only be in your life if you let them.

so see ya.

those of you that i can actually remove myself from - adios. those of you i can't? i'm removing you from my priority list. life is too full, it's too beautiful, it's too yellow to be weighed down by these kinds of people.

and they're everywhere. every day, i'm dealing with manipulators and liars and complainers. every day, people are demanding, they're unkind, they're ungrateful & they're conniving. people that are most important to me are expectant, bitter, lazy & self-righteous. i lay awake at night thinking about people that i'm disposable to. i love people that admittedly use me and my loved ones.

and it's time for you to go. as td jakes said, i have the gift of goodbye. it's not that i'm hateful, i'm faithful. i have too much going on for me, too much potential, too many people that make me a better person to keep focusing on those that bring me down, upset me & don't care. my life is too yellow for you.

so this is it for us. it's been real. it's been fun. but it ain't been real fun.

xx

tikvah {hope}

so i did it.


i went to clifton on a whim on friday night with sheila and got a tattoo. 


i've had it planned for awhile - tikvah. the hebrew word for hope.


hope. it's so many things to me. it's what i cling to in my professional, personal, and spiritual life. it's the little girl that i love so much. it's the reason i can get through life's storms. it's everything. everything.


i had decided on tikvah when i was in college studying hebrew. i loved the word. i was way too scared to get a tattoo but i knew if i ever got the guts to, that's what i would get. then in 2009, my sister gave birth to the most beautiful little person i've ever seen and she named her hope. that's when i knew i would eventually go through with it. i love that child...in case you couldn't tell. :)


getting the tattoo this weekend was random and unplanned but seems to have come at the perfect time. 


it's a reminder - "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness."


i had a conversation with a friend on friday about faith and hope and belief and doubt. i told her something a friend of mine told me once - i feel sorry for people who don't struggle with their faith. i do. faith in Jesus Christ is {yeah i'm going to say this} kind of crazy. believing that a man, who was God, died on a cross for my sins and that, because i trust him as my savior, i will spend eternity in a place called heaven with him because a book tells me so - is crazy.


so there are times of doubt. when life is hard, when it doesn't make sense, when i'm angry with God himself - doubt prevails. but the reason i believe, the reason that my faith returns is because after doubt, hope prevails.


today is the anniversary of my sweet friend kevin's death. death is never easy - especially when they're young. i saw him at midnight the night before and by 8am on october 2, 2005, i got a phone call that he had passed away. that doesn't make sense. it's not fair. i cried and i cried and i cried that morning and i'm crying now. my friend dying at 23 years old when he had his whole life ahead of him and so much to offer to this world made doubt prevail.


this morning at church, we sang a song that says 'what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord." it was a reminder of where my hope is placed. there's a verse in 1 corinthians that says if our hope is in this life only, we are the people who should be most pitied. there are people who are strong enough to face life's trials and never waver in their faith. i am not one of them. i ask why all the time. i asked why on this day in 2005 and i probably have for one reason or another asked about one million times since. but my hope is eternal. which is why i can doubt and question when life sucks the faith out of me and then after, i can hope. i can believe. i can trust.


c.s. lewis said 'most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. there are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise.'


there are things that i hope for here on earth - success, love, health, peace. and there are things that i hope for that are eternal. and so as that little girl serves as a reminder of the hope i've placed in Jesus Christ, so does this tattoo, this word - tikvah. 


romans 5:2-4 - through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. more than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope.