like i said when i first started this blog, it would be a mixture of things - personal and professional.
well today's personal.
if you've been following me at all on facebook (and most of you have, that's how you're reading this), you know about the nearly 15 month long journey i've been on. on the day this weight loss journey hit 1 year, i told you i had lost 114 pounds. 2.5 months later, i've lost 133.
which means i averaged 9.5 pounds the first 12 months and 7.6 a month since.
i know what you're thinking - 7.6 pounds a month is still really good.
and i know i should be happy and i know i should be proud but i'm just really struggling today. mainly because i can only blame my metabolism so much. i feel like i'm more likely to waver from my self-set meal and exercise plans these days where i would rarely have before.
that frustrates me.
it shows complacency and apathy - two things that that rachel from the past was sinking in.
maybe it's just a bad day.
maybe i feel guilty because i don't want to tell you what i just ate for dinner.
maybe it's a plateau.
but i feel like it's in my hands. and i'm dropping the ball.
i will never look at 133 pounds lost and feel like a failure. it's pretty much impossible. but right now, i feel like i'm failing at my ultimate goal - victory over the self-inflicting habits i hid behind for so long.
i'm not in a rush -i've said that before. i would rather lose pounds that don't creep back than ones easy to regain which is why i have never done a fad diet, eliminated a food group altogether, or went about this unnaturally during the process.
i think i'm struggling because this hasn't been a bad day. it's been a bad 2 weeks. 2 weeks of not pushing myself like i should physically (it's like i ran 2 races and all of a sudden, i think i've succeeded and can quit) and not disciplining myself in the kitchen like before. and work has been stressful. isn't that everyone's excuse? :)
just last night, i realized that within walking distance of the apartment i'm moving to in June are 3 of my favorite restaurants. and i actually got scared. who gets scared of food? this girl. cause i'm learning that while for the most part, i did truly leave behind that girl, she still creeps up.
so forgive me if this sounds whiny. i'm not whining, i'm not even complaining. i'm just angry at myself and need a swift kick in the pants. because if anything, i've learned this year that i can do anything. i really can. so i don't have a fear of not completing this journey - i will lose the weight, i will get down to that goal. i just want to make sure that girl is gone.
and today, she's like a very unwelcome houseguest.
oh and by the way, it was pizza. and i already regret it.
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