please take this blog {grossly out of context}

i haven't blogged in a few months. it's, uh, wedding season. chaos. but i just wanted to take a few seconds and share a thought with you.

a few years ago, i was a political junkie. i was fresh out of college and thus, over-opinionated and always correct. i took every opportunity for a debate with politics at the very top of the list of topics. i read political blogs daily, i wrote political blogs, i followed it like it was my job.

how completely useless.

my political beliefs have changed in the 6+ years since i graduated college. not a 180, but, still a change. i wasn't a republican then. still not. i wasn't a democrat then. still not. i liked who i liked and hated anyone else. i would take anything remotely idiotic that a candidate said and run with it. much like a lot of you are doing now.

why do i feel like i'm the only person on the earth that thinks President Obama was right in his speech about american industry? was "you didn't build that" the best choice of words? no. but neither were THESE or THIS. the basic point of his speech was this: american industry helped you build your business. am i, a small business owner, offended by that?

no.

in fact, i am thankful for it.

i have a feeling...that if it were Mitt Romney that said it and the liberal community was appalled, the very same of you that are posting Facebook statuses and 'hilarious' memes about it {which by the way, is really world-changing}, would be at his defense. why? because very few of you actually care what President Obama said 'wrong', you're just glad he did.

it's ammunition. it's fuel.

have you taken the time to read what he said? that if you have a successful business, you're fortunate? that smart people start businesses every day, hard-working people start businesses every day? it's no secret to any of us that 50% of businesses fail in the FIRST year with 95% of businesses failing in the first 5 years. those businesses were started by smart people. they were weathered by hard-working people. and they failed. i've seen that first hand. why are you offended by him reiterating something we all already know? for ammunition's sake.

and for those of us with successful businesses - are we that unaware of how highly we do rely on american industry to sustain and increase our business's profitability? seriously? i realize, believe me i realize, that it is rachel spears that is running my company. i'm there all the time, just me, working at 3 in the morning, working all weekend, working all the time. it's me. i run this company. i am very proud of that. but i'm also very thankful for a country where i can do it freely, a financial industry that allowed me credit to start up my company {and maintain it}, yes - for technology that my specific business could not thrive without - i am thankful. and i think you are too.

but in front of that thankfulness for this country we boast about until it serves us not to, is the insatiable need for us to attack what we disagree with. the video above of the President Bush - many would say, "he just misspoke! Obama though, this is his ideology." the video above with the poor choice of words from Mitt Romney - many would say, "taken out of context, rachel!"

but THIS video??? hello sensationalism. and some of you? putty in their hands. you got excited when you read the articles about what he said. you got to your computer as fast as you could to tell everyone what you thought about him saying it. you were annoyed but you were enlivened.

THAT bothers me. that vicious cycle of one side attacking the other regardless of benefit to anyone bothers me. not only does it bother me, it makes me wonder the caliber of intelligence that i'm surrounding myself with. pause. i am NOT saying that if you don't like the President or if you don't like Mitt Romney that either opinion is stupid or wrong. i am saying that waiting for someone to say the wrong thing and manipulating it to feed your argument is.

i don't agree with the President all the time. but i agree with him here. i realize that's an unpopular opinion. i just don't care. i'm grateful for my opportunities and my successes and to continue growing that success, i don't have the time in the day for nonsense. {side note: it goes both ways. i know that. it irritates me both ways too, believe me.}

i probably irritated you. i get that. most of my blogs are inspirational, funny, uplifting - i know. i just had to say something. it's part of my charm. or it's a curse. jury's still out.

back to work.
gotta run this company that i have the amazing opportunity to run.

XO

stop and smell the roses {life}

we are busy.

all of us.

it's a fact of life for me. my friends and family have accepted that as long as people keep getting married, i'm going to miss out on most of what happens friday through sunday. as long as those brides and grooms are interested in using me to photograph their wedding {let's cross our fingers that that never stops} that weekday evenings are filled with meetings and engagement sessions. weekdays are filled up with shoots and meetings and consultations and when i lock myself in my office with nothing but water, pandora, and carrots and edit until i can't see straight.

yet, as busy as i am, i refuse to give up my life. because this is my job and it is my passion but it is not my life. often, my clients become my friends {yay!} and because you can't be real life friends if you're not facebook friends, it's not too long before they have access to a constant stream of statuses, photos, and check-in's from me {cause let's be honest, you guys all know where i am at any given time.}. just last night, i needed to get some info to a bride and thought i'd wait until this morning and i genuinely felt guilty checking in at the brad paisley concert. the minute i realized how ridiculous that guilt was, i knew i needed to fix something. and fix it now.

i had a disturbing conversation with a woman in the fall. it's bothered me ever since. i was overwhelmed at work and behind on...well, everything and i was venting. and she said this - "you're not married and you don't even have kids. you don't know what busy is."

that statement has fueled all of the guilt i've felt since then when i was living instead of working. in january, i was in south america with my church on a medical mission and in the evenings, i was fighting for service on my phone so i could email clients. every time i wake up in the middle of the night {which is frequent}, i check my phone and read emails from clients that have come in after i go to bed {cause i'm an old lady and go to bed at like 10}. a client had to reschedule something with me in april and i told her the only thing i had available that week was thursday morning because really, i wasn't working wednesday night but i wanted to go to the reds game with my friends. and then i saw her at the reds game and literally turned and walked the other way so she wouldn't see me. it's gotten ridiculous. really, really ridiculous.

but {yay for the but here!}, i'm putting my foot down. not to my clients - to myself. to that ridiculous assumption that because i'm single and childless, that work should come before bonfires with my friends and last minute trips to riverbend for a concert {the tickets actually came from a bride! thanks sarah!}.

when that woman said that to me, i didn't know whether to cry, hit her, or believe her. it reminded me of the episode of SATC when carrie realizes how much money she's spent on wedding gifts and baby shower gifts and kids' birthday gifts over the years as her friends married and had kids. why didn't anyone buy presents for the woman that chose not to do those things? so she registered herself for shoes at manolo blahnik. :) don't worry. i'm not asking for shoes or anything but maybe just some understanding. some understanding that while i'm single and not a mom, that my time is a precious as the time of a working mom or wife.

if i'm ever going to get married, i have to date. to date, i have to have some time. if i don't ever get married, then my most important relationships will continue to be with my family and friends. and if i can't invest in those, they'll die. so no, i'm not taking kids to soccer or throwing princess birthday parties or cleaning the kids' bathroom at midnight cause that's the only time i have to do it {not bashing that at all. you ladies are my heroes}. i'm going to reds games and dinner parties. i'm cleaning my house and going to the gym. i'm painting with my girls and watching mad men with the boys.  and yes, watching the bachelorette {don't act like you don't}. i'm living. and i'm getting ready to start doing that guilt-free.

i'm not feeling sorry for myself, i promise. i have a job that i love, a business that i own and the freedom that my friends that work in cubicles dream of. i am blessed. blessed with all of that and blessed with this beautiful life. i photograph my clients living their lives and now i have to figure out a way to leave that and live my own.

so i'm figuring out a new schedule. i'm setting up some new priorities, some new rules for myself. i'm doing so without the guilt that i have to work all the time because of the lie in my head that i should because there aren't people depending on me at home. maybe if i can figure this out now, if i ever do have a husband and children, i'll already be in the right mindset with priorities. realistically, i'll have to keep relearning this over and over again. but for now, i'm going to go the reds game on thursday with my friends and turn my email notifications off.

and you should do the same.

<3 XO

we need people {love}

i sat across the table from one of my best friends in the world tonight and held back tears {even though i'm pretty sure she saw them in my eyes} because if she wasn't losing it, i wasn't going to. this is happening to her. her mom is sick. her family is hurting. her world is changing. and if she could sit across from me and pour out her heart and not cry, i was going to be the strongest friend in the world for a few minutes and not cry either.

until now. now she's not here. now i'm crying. if i could take this from her, i would. my relationship with her was born out of tragedy. i knew who she was. we had met a few times. and then tragedy hit and from that, we became friends and then family. maybe it's that part of our friendship that makes this so hard for me to watch. more tragedy? and this? her mom - the closest thing to an angel on earth? doesn't seem fair. doesn't seem right.

when we talked tonight, she just kept talking about how overwhelmed she was with the love and support from the people in her life. it took me back to my own tragedy in 2004 which i remember little of except the support and love from the people around me. i have a bag full of cards that i received during my recuperation and every once in awhile, i get them out and have a good cry. and even though i was young, i remember very well when my dad had a heart attack and open heart surgery. different ladies from church brought food to our family, moms from around the neighborhood helped shuffle us around.

we need people.

we need people to enjoy sunshine with and people to walk through storms with. we need people for the moments that seem unfair. and we need people for the moments of indescribable joy.

we need people.

i remember being in a night class in college and getting that phone call. i left class and literally ran to the dorm where all of my friends were sitting in a room around one of my first friends in college who had just gotten the call that her dad died. i remember standing outside at my friend kevin's house with a hundred or so other people sharing stories and memories of him, crying and hugging. i remember being in my best friend's living room with her family and friends the night she got engaged and celebrating and taking pictures. i remember every day i spent with hope in the nicu. i remember my friend coming to my house late at night with two dozen roses and a listening ear when the end of a relationship devastated me. i remember the phone call at midnight when my best friend of twenty plus years was spending her last night at her parents before her wedding the next day and she just needed to cry because she was going to miss them. i remember having lunch with a friend who i hadn't seen in three years and crying with her about her dad's sudden passing. i remember celebrating with my friends when one passed the bar. i remember the "we're engaged!" phone calls, the "we broke up" phone calls, the "i lost my job"phone calls, the "they said it's cancer"phone calls, the "we're expecting!" phone calls, and the "we have some bad news" phone calls.

we need people.

in a way, my heart is heavy tonight and yet it's light. heavy that someone i care so deeply about is hurting yet hearing that people are encouraging her makes me smile. because life happens. accomplishments are met, jobs are lost, babies are born, parents pass on, houses foreclose, businesses start, birthdays pass by, spouses get sick, children get married, and we get old.

and life is much easier {easier to enjoy and easier to bear} with people in it.

we need people.

<3

KONY 2012 {make him famous}

in april of 2006, i was living in virginia. on the evening of the 29th, i left my house and walked to downtown lynchburg, slept on the streets with many others, got up the next morning and walked home.

it was called the global night commute. and it should have changed my life.

and it did. momentarily. we walked downtown and slept that night, just as many did around the USA and the world to show support for the children of uganda, who walk from their homes {sometimes many, many miles} every single night to the center of their city to sleep in order to not be abducted by the LRA, the lord's resistance army. monsters, at best.

they abduct these ugandan children and turn the girls into sex slaves and the boys into soldiers. they rape these children, force these children to kill their parents, force them to mutilate and kill others, and kill them. for absolutely no reason. there is no cause. just power. this guerrilla group exists for the sake of power. and kill and enslave to reinforce that power.

in 2007, many friends of mine participated in displace me. i wasn't able to attend but a year after we showed support at the global night commute, they did again with this event. i urge you to google both events.

in 2008, i began donating monthly to invisible children, the organization that fights to bring awareness to this crisis and also fights to stop it. in 2008, i became one of the apathetic. writing my check, feeling good about myself, and forgetting their faces.

i "follow" invisible children on Facebook and i knew from posts that they had a short film coming out. i made a mental note to watch it. and then when it premiered the other day, i forgot. last night, i couldn't sleep. i like to think that was divine. i got on my phone to pass the time and saw the link to the video. perfect, i thought. i'll watch it now.

30 minutes? i didn't want to stay up 30 more minutes. i told myself i'd watch a few minutes and finish it this morning. 30 minutes and a fair bit of weeping later, i watched it again.

i realize you are busy. but this will be the most important 30 minutes you give today. please. watch this video. you can find it HERE. there are moments it is hard to watch. but you need to watch it. we all need to be aware.

i have talked on occasion about social media and wondered with friends whether Hitler would have terrorized as long as he did if people were more aware of what was happening. it's fact that the reports of genocide were delayed - normal citizens were limited to what the government told them about that crisis. with things like facebook and the internet, we are not.

we can tell anyone and everyone about what is happening in uganda.

what has been happening in uganda for 26 years. 26 years. and no one knew. no one talked about it. no one stopped it.

and now we can. the LRA's leader joseph kony was indicted for war crimes and crimes against humanity in 2005. and you don't know his name.

but now you do. the more people know, the more people care, the better chance there is of finding him and putting a stop to this crisis once and for all. you'll see in the film that america has recently started aiding uganda in finding him. but if it's not important to the masses, they'll likely stop. we have to tell them it's important.

the invisible children organization says that where you live shouldn't decide whether you live. and i agree. and i believe you do too. there are thousands of causes all over the world and we are asked to donate, to help, to aid someone or some cause all the time. i get that. i don't want to say one cause is more important than another. but i would say that stopping the murder, rape, enslavement & torture of CHILDREN is something we would all say is of the utmost importance.

write a letter to washington. hang a poster. wear a bracelet, call your congressman.

make joseph kony's name famous.

i'm 26 years old. this started when i was born. learning about the holocaust in school, i remember thinking "i'm glad stuff like that doesn't happen now." i have been confident that the world i live in wouldn't let this happen. but if you don't know it's happening, how can you stop it?

now we know. and we can do something, give something, stop something, change something, heal something, vindicate something.

and we could do this very simply.

not asking for thousands of dollars. just your VOICE.

let's make kony famous.

--

visit www.invisiblechildren.com and www.facebook.com/invisiblechildren to make the pledge, watch the video, track the progress, get addresses for american politicians, get the kit, and find out about the night we can change everything - april 20, 2012. if nothing else, watch the video. it will be the best thing you do today. we can change this world. use your voice.

what are you doing? {besides driving me crazy}

facebook statuses.

sigh.

before i make my list of facebook statuses that make me want to punch someone, force someone to live in a second or {gasp!} third world country for like, a day, or delete you from my facebook {which these days is like real life so those are hefty words}, let me pause to say this: yes i realize i probably would make some of your lists. if someone whose statuses are song lyrics 90% of the time bothers you - i'm sure you can't stand me. but let's be honest, george strait and billy joel's heartfelt words are way less annoying than mine. or maybe you can't stand the person that checks in everywhere they go. hey. i live alone. i think it's responsible. if i go missing, you know i was at lifetime 6 hours ago and at cadillac ranch 24 minutes ago. you'd have a good start on your search party. maybe you hate yellow {shame on you!}. maybe the XO annoys you. i got nothing for that. i'm just girly.

so here we go.

1. #peoplethathashtagtosaytheyhatehashtags. yes, we all know this isn't twitter. we know hash tags won't work on facebook. we don't care. we're being clever. example: "ugh! i dropped my prada bag on the floor at nordstrom and my iphone fell out and broke! #firstworldproblems". i will "like" that status. this one: "this isn't twitter, morons. #youcanthashtaghere" will get an eye roll. that is not clever. it's not even original. #growup

2. i have been guilty of this one a time or two but it was before i was old enough to rent a 15 passenger van. if you're that age or older and you've been dating for less than a month, please don't make every single status about him/her. we all see that and say this to each other ; "noooooot gonna last." you're not in love. you haven't even had time to stalk each other's exes yet. now, i don't think it's altogether wrong to make a status about the person you do love. i've done it. lots of times. i've been guilty of a "i love this man." status a time or two or even a "on a date with a cute boy <3". semi-annoying, i realize this, but acceptable in a relationship. however, statuses almost every day that say something like "i have the most beautiful, caring girlfriend ever." make me want to punch you and make me think you are trying to convince yourself of that. it's endearing for a season. and if you try to start that season prematurely or make it last too long, you're acting like a 14 year old girl with her first boyfriend. and no one likes a 14 year old girl with her first boyfriend.

3. "i'm going to make this super bigoted status about that religion or political group that is SO bigoted." enough said. morons.

4. not sure if you know this or not, but the unemployment rate is at like 8.3% right now. so it's fair to assume that most of us have a job. some/most even have jobs they don't enjoy. the ones that do enjoy their job still don't want to work all the time. that being said: "i hate my job.", "i have to go to work. :( :( :(", "can't believe i have to work for 3 hours on a saturday. :(" will make me want to punch you harder than i typically want to punch people. A. you have a job. be grateful. B. you have a job. be grateful. C. no one LIKES to work. but we LIKE all the stuff we have. so shut your mouth. and D. you have a job. be grateful. especially if your job is really not that hard. oh and sidenote, i work every saturday. i just one-upped you. take that. rewind it back.

5. if you purposely spell things wrong, use ThIs KiNd oF tYpe, talk in third person or have statuses that say something like "lms {which i just learned was 'like my status' ugh} if you know what it's like to be a balllllllllllller", there really is no hope for you. like, at all.

6. election years are annoying enough without social networking. at this point, you've established that you hate republicans. everyone knows. everyone knooooooows. stop arguing with people on facebook about politics. it takes a lot for someone to change their political beliefs. you're not convincing anyone when you argue. you're just trying to make sure everyone knows how smart you are {come see how good i look!}. you want everyone to know the statistics you know, the articles you've read, the true goodness you see in candidate A. umm, politicians are evil. all of them. and wasting your time during election year ranting about liberals, conservatives, and oh yeah, election year itself, makes you punch-worthy.

7. i know this one will bother some people. but let me just break it down for you. you had kids. you probably wanted to. a lot of people have kids. a lot of people are tired because of those kids. you don't have to always tell us about it. i realize i don't have kids. but you're tired because someone had an accident in the middle of the night and i'm tired from being awesome all day long. we're all tired. let it go. may i also use this as an opportunity to tell you to stop using said kids as an excuse? i know you have 5 kids. but if you can update your status about them driving you crazy, you can return a phone call. #justsaying #howyalikethathashtag

8. i'm going to put up this passive aggressive status about people being passive aggressive. sigh.

9. cry for help facebook statuses. i don't even need to show you any examples. you know who you are. and you just got blocked.

10. and last but certainly not least - some of the worst offenders of all. "ugh. i'm going to delete my facebook. not worth the drama." and "if you can see this, you made it through round 1. deleted a bunch of people. don't need fake 'friends'." sigh. and sigh. and sigh. A. if you're going to delete your facebook, you would have. we all know what reaction you're going for. and let's be honest, if you're putting up a status like that, you probably love the drama. in fact, you probably ARE the drama. take it down a notch or two. no one cares. and B. please don't let me make it past round 2 in your deleting party. go ahead and delete me. it will save me the trouble.

i miss the days when it said "john doe is..." and then you had to fill it out. you legit had to say what you were doing. i mean, i just put song lyrics up anyway but i digress. at least the ranting was at a low. the cries for help were few and far between. and the desire to punch people was minimal.

so carry on, facebookers. keep telling me about your boyfriend {that you're going to post after-break-up taylor swift lyrics about in 2 weeks}, your 9 kids {one word: vasectomy}, your hatred of facebook {i got nothin} and hOw eXiCteD yOu ArE aBoUt JuStiN's nEw alBuM!!!

sigh.
punches.
yellow.
love.

i left a little piece of my heart in peru {part TWO}

if you didn't catch my blog yesterday, go back and read part one first. do as you're told. gracias. and you can check out my photos from the trip here.

we got to peru late afternoon on monday. it felt so good to just BE in peru. what i was not prepared for was our first bus ride...or really any of our bus rides. when i say they drive like maniacs down there - i mean, take the volume of cars in new york, add the aggressiveness of new york drivers and then take out all of the laws, rules, road surveillance, patrol cars, common decency & logic. americans beep and scream obscenities for cutting them off. peruvians just beep. all the time. it never stops. it's their way of telling you their cutting you off. when you wanna switch lanes or a lane ends, it's really just a matter of who gets there first. i could reach out and touch another car at almost any moment. that first ride was terrifying. and people laughed at me for freaking out. imagine that. :)

we got to yeyas, our hostel and ate dinner and had a meeting and prepared for our work days. the guys that were already there went to our scheduled site for monday and did what they could with who and what they had. our entire children's team was in chile. we had a lot of the medical supplies. but God can do much with little. and i know they reached the people they were called to that day.

the next day we went to the freys' church. alan and diane frey are some of the best people i've ever met. they've been in peru since 1984. and they have the kind of hearts i hope to have. {annnnnd, i'm tearing up. didn't take long. never does ha!} we met the most beautiful and loving people that day. we met little stephanie who is 7 and shocked us all by being bilingual. i hired her as my interpreter for about an hour. ;) she's bilingual because of time she spent in new york last year. her dad lives in new york and works there to support her, her mother, and her baby brother in lima. heart = broken. she was funny and she was beautiful and she was wearing yellow. no coincidence there. :)

i got to meet and talk to some of our team that day too. there were people with us from mansfield, ohio and from the freys' home church {our connection is that chad, our leader from origins, grew up knowing the freys at the same church outside of chicago}. everyone that was with us was amazing. and david, a college kid from chicago, guessed my age at 21 so we quickly became best friends. obviously. :)

i met a woman, whose name i couldn't pronounce, when i was doing her nails. she knew a little english and i could tell she was trying hard. she ended up coming back 2 days later to another site we were at with juice she made for me {that i felt awful not being able to drink because there's no way to know if she boiled the water but she doesn't know i didn't. whew!} and asked me write on the back of a picture of us so she could practice her english even more. i told her i hope to see her next year and that she knows more english...and that i know more spanish. :) she is a sweet, sweet woman. and i hope i get to hug her again.

that night, we were going to the mall. i didn't feel great that afternoon, but i was okay. by the time we got to the mall, i knew i wasn't feeling well at all. the final nail in the coffin was when everyone got ice cream and i didn't want any. if you know me, you know that i never pass on ice cream. it just doesn't happen. so then i knew i was sick. i just needed to get back to the hostel. well to do that, a typical peruvian bus ride was in order. and that bus ride did me in. i rode with my face covered and dalene's voice in my ear telling me we were almost there {and we never were ha!} and because i'm me, i started crying. i just didn't want to get sick on that bus. we pulled in front of yeyas and people cleared for me to run in. my room was locked so brandon and tara ran up to theirs with me and {bless their hearts} i got sick in their bathroom. thought it was over. it wasn't. i was sick all night long. and devastated. the next day was the orphanage and i was dying to go.

so i went. sick or not. and lasted half the day before i got sent back to yeyas to sleep it off. which i'm so glad i did. by the time i woke up from that nap, i was good to go. thank you Jesus! my short time at the orphanage was great. i saw some of the most beautiful children in the world. and got to love on them. doesn't get much better than that. we went to the fountains in downtown lima that night. make sure you check out the pictures of that. so beautiful.

the next day was very much like the first. the doctors saw a bunch of patients, which was awesome and we got to love on the people. peruvian people are so loving. it was hard to say goodbye to them that day.

and the goodbyes continued. we had our final meeting that night with the groups we worked with in lima. addy, a 29 year old angel with a vision to reach her people, shared that vision and her needs with us. the men from origins laid hands and prayed over our peruvian friends and partners {i cried. like a baby.} and they gave us gifts for coming to them and hugged us goodbye. a woman i hadn't even talked to all week brought me a gift,  hugged me, and in english said "i love you". {weeping over here.} and i know that she meant it. and i love her too. i can't tell you how quickly my heart was won by these people. what little we did meant the world to them. and their smiles meant the world to us.

that same night, back at yeyas, a few people shared their hearts. if i thought i had cried before, i hadn't even started. a man named tim that goes to our church got up to share his heart. i'm not going to tell his story because i wouldn't do it justice. but it's the beauty of my time in peru. i was encouraged and inspired and changed by the people we met. and that night, i was encouraged and inspired and changed by his daughter lauren, a girl i already know.

that night back in our room, we talked about our week there. God had provided money for people in his last-minute way. he didn't for me. not that i didn't have an incredible help from the people in my life, i did. but i paid a lot of my trip myself. and there were expenses outside of the money we needed that were costly and difficult and came at a time when business was slow and expenses were high. i wasn't bitter about paying it, it was just hard. and that night, sitting in that room, i realized that i would pay it all again for that experience. i almost think God wanted me to pay it. because he knew i didn't have the money. but he also knew peru was where i was supposed to be. and now, in hindsight, he has repaid me in full. and i'd spend twice as much next year for half of the blessings from my week there.

the first night, scotty {my incredible pastor} challenged us to pray over the question, "why am i here?" and there are easy answers there. "to change lives", "to change me"...and while they sound cliche, they're true. but i had to get specific with my prayer. and in no time he showed me. the change that needed to happen inside of me was more than i think i had even realized.

and he changed my heart last week.
and a little bit of that heart {okay maybe a big part of it} is still there in lima. and very well might always be. i'm okay with that. :)

i came back to the states with a new appreciation for my american life, with a deeper love for my savior, a newly found love for his children in peru, an intense gratefulness for the people i'm blessed to serve with at origins, and a beautiful reminder of hope. my entire time there screamed hope. hope for the people of peru, hope for all of us - the hope we have in Jesus Christ.

it would be impossible for me to walk away from my time there and not know that life is yellow.

it is so, so yellow.

i left a little piece of my heart in peru {part TWO}

if you didn't catch my blog yesterday, go back and read part one first. do as you're told. gracias. and you can check out my photos from the trip here.

we got to peru late afternoon on monday. it felt so good to just BE in peru. what i was not prepared for was our first bus ride...or really any of our bus rides. when i say they drive like maniacs down there - i mean, take the volume of cars in new york, add the aggressiveness of new york drivers and then take out all of the laws, rules, road surveillance, patrol cars, common decency & logic. americans beep and scream obscenities for cutting them off. peruvians just beep. all the time. it never stops. it's their way of telling you their cutting you off. when you wanna switch lanes or a lane ends, it's really just a matter of who gets there first. i could reach out and touch another car at almost any moment. that first ride was terrifying. and people laughed at me for freaking out. imagine that. :)

we got to yeyas, our hostel and ate dinner and had a meeting and prepared for our work days. the guys that were already there went to our scheduled site for monday and did what they could with who and what they had. our entire children's team was in chile. we had a lot of the medical supplies. but God can do much with little. and i know they reached the people they were called to that day.

the next day we went to the freys' church. alan and diane frey are some of the best people i've ever met. they've been in peru since 1984. and they have the kind of hearts i hope to have. {annnnnd, i'm tearing up. didn't take long. never does ha!} we met the most beautiful and loving people that day. we met little stephanie who is 7 and shocked us all by being bilingual. i hired her as my interpreter for about an hour. ;) she's bilingual because of time she spent in new york last year. her dad lives in new york and works there to support her, her mother, and her baby brother in lima. heart = broken. she was funny and she was beautiful and she was wearing yellow. no coincidence there. :)

i got to meet and talk to some of our team that day too. there were people with us from mansfield, ohio and from the freys' home church {our connection is that chad, our leader from origins, grew up knowing the freys at the same church outside of chicago}. everyone that was with us was amazing. and david, a college kid from chicago, guessed my age at 21 so we quickly became best friends. obviously. :)

i met a woman, whose name i couldn't pronounce, when i was doing her nails. she knew a little english and i could tell she was trying hard. she ended up coming back 2 days later to another site we were at with juice she made for me {that i felt awful not being able to drink because there's no way to know if she boiled the water but she doesn't know i didn't. whew!} and asked me write on the back of a picture of us so she could practice her english even more. i told her i hope to see her next year and that she knows more english...and that i know more spanish. :) she is a sweet, sweet woman. and i hope i get to hug her again.

that night, we were going to the mall. i didn't feel great that afternoon, but i was okay. by the time we got to the mall, i knew i wasn't feeling well at all. the final nail in the coffin was when everyone got ice cream and i didn't want any. if you know me, you know that i never pass on ice cream. it just doesn't happen. so then i knew i was sick. i just needed to get back to the hostel. well to do that, a typical peruvian bus ride was in order. and that bus ride did me in. i rode with my face covered and dalene's voice in my ear telling me we were almost there {and we never were ha!} and because i'm me, i started crying. i just didn't want to get sick on that bus. we pulled in front of yeyas and people cleared for me to run in. my room was locked so brandon and tara ran up to theirs with me and {bless their hearts} i got sick in their bathroom. thought it was over. it wasn't. i was sick all night long. and devastated. the next day was the orphanage and i was dying to go.

so i went. sick or not. and lasted half the day before i got sent back to yeyas to sleep it off. which i'm so glad i did. by the time i woke up from that nap, i was good to go. thank you Jesus! my short time at the orphanage was great. i saw some of the most beautiful children in the world. and got to love on them. doesn't get much better than that. we went to the fountains in downtown lima that night. make sure you check out the pictures of that. so beautiful.

peruvian people are so loving. it was hard to say goodbye to them that day.

and the goodbyes continued. we had our final meeting that night with the groups we worked with in lima. addy, a 29 year old angel with a vision to reach her people, shared that vision and her needs with us. the men from origins laid hands and prayed over our peruvian friends and partners {i cried. like a baby.} and they gave us gifts for coming to them and hugged us goodbye. a woman i hadn't even talked to all week brought me a gift,  hugged me, and in english said "i love you". {weeping over here.} and i know that she meant it. and i love her too. i can't tell you how quickly my heart was won by these people. what little we did meant the world to them. and their smiles meant the world to us.

that same night, back at yeyas, a few people shared their hearts. if i thought i had cried before, i hadn't even started. a man named tim that goes to our church got up to share his heart. i'm not going to tell his story because i wouldn't do it justice. but it's the beauty of my time in peru. i was encouraged and inspired and changed by the people we met. and that night, i was encouraged and inspired and changed by his daughter lauren, a girl i already know.

that night back in our room, we talked about our week there. God had provided money for people in his last-minute way. he didn't for me. not that i didn't have an incredible help from the people in my life, i did. but i paid a lot of my trip myself. and there were expenses outside of the money we needed that were costly and difficult and came at a time when business was slow and expenses were high. i wasn't bitter about paying it, it was just hard. and that night, sitting in that room, i realized that i would pay it all again for that experience. i almost think God wanted me to pay it. because he knew i didn't have the money. but he also knew peru was where i was supposed to be. and now, in hindsight, he has repaid me in full. and i'd spend twice as much next year for half of the blessings from my week there.

the first night, scotty {my incredible pastor} challenged us to pray over the question, "why am i here?" and there are easy answers there. "to change lives", "to change me"...and while they sound cliche, they're true. but i had to get specific with my prayer. and in no time he showed me. the change that needed to happen inside of me was more than i think i had even realized.

and he changed my heart last week.
and a little bit of that heart {okay maybe a big part of it} is still there in lima. and very well might always be. i'm okay with that. :)

i came back to the states with a new appreciation for my american life, with a deeper love for my savior, a newly found love for his children in peru, an intense gratefulness for the people i'm blessed to serve with at origins, and a beautiful reminder of hope. my entire time there screamed hope. hope for the people of peru, hope for all of us - the hope we have in Jesus Christ.

it would be impossible for me to walk away from my time there and not know that life is yellow.

it is so, so yellow.