i blog about what shoes i'm wearing so we all knew i'd blog about this.
this might be long - just a warning. not only because i have a tendency to talk/write/communicate more than the average bear but because there is so much to tell you. i'm going to tell you about the first few days today. tomorrow, you get the good stuff. :)
the first few days of the trip feel like a blur. we knew that the travel portion would be difficult. long layovers, red-eye flights, bored children. we knew it would take a lot out of us. we didn't know we'd end up in a travel nightmare. {okay that was dramatic but i checked out the thesaurus and really, i couldn't come up with better than nightmare.}
we left Cincinnati at noon and got to NYC around 2. we didn't get on our plane for Lima until 10:45...and we were in the lamest terminal ever. but finally, we lined up to get on the packed out red-eye for Peru {who knew so many people would be on that flight?? i didn't.}. as i waited, i met a girl from england. her name was emma {making her all the more british} and she was simply lovely {there really isn't a more perfect british description}. i had no idea i'd spend the next 30 hours or so with emma but i'm glad i got to. she was sweet and had a beautiful accent and even looked like princess kate. she really did. when we got on the plane, lo and behold, she was sitting across the aisle from me. we talked many times over the next day and a half and when i didn't get to say bye to her 2 days later in Lima, i really did get sad. God lets us meet angels sometimes.
we were supposed to land in Lima around 7:30am saturday morning. well, we didn't. the pilot told us there was fog and he could circle for an hour and then he would have to take us to Ica, Chile which was a bus-ride away. alright, alright. i can deal with that. but an hour later when he was done circling, instead of taking us to Ica, he took us to Iquique, Chile which was even further away. of course, none of the staff could speak english and we were confused as to what was happening but i thought, "okay, we'll go to Iquique and get on another plane later today and go back to Peru." false. we got to Iquique, they wouldn't let us off the plane, they refueled, restocked, switched crews {took about an hour} and then flew us another 2 hours to Santiago, Chile which is just about as far south as I ever want to go. we were only off the plane about 10 minutes when we got the news - we'd be staying in Chile overnight.
it was only about 2pm their time when they told us. we didn't leave the airport for about 3 more hours. mind you, they had fed us breakfast at 6am and absolutely nothing since then. and for those of us who were scared of the breakfast, it had been a long time since we had eaten. we filled out customs and immigration forms since we were leaving the airport and then they told us we had to let them keep our passports at the airport.
umm, no.
first rule about your passport {rules according to rachel spears, that is}: don't let someone else keep it when you're in a foreign country. or really, ever. six countries had entry fees into Chile. US citizens were 3 times as much as anyone else's. interesting. and unless we wanted to pay them that money, we had to hand them over. this is where i started to freak out {hopefully, only internally but who knows what my face was saying}. it's one thing to get stuck at LAX. you're on American soil. it's all good. getting stuck in a country where no one speaks english and people are trying to take your passport is terrifying. maybe not to everyone in our group, but absolutely to me. taken, brokedown palace - all of these movies were popping into my head and i about lost it. i knew there were 21 of us {the rest of the group had come early, come from Cleveland, or come from Chicago} and the chances of something bad happening were slim but still - one too many lifetime movies will freak you out.
they ended up letting us keep our passports {thank you Jesus} and taking nearly 200 of us on buses through Santiago to our hotel. as we drove through Santiago, the pit in my stomach grew. i couldn't help but wonder where in the world they were taking us. through the entire city was a river. i honestly have no idea how it was even moving. it was the sludgiest {made that word up maybe?}, blackest, most garbage-infested "river" i've ever seen. along it's shores were piles and piles of garbage. in one place, i saw the river, a mountain of garbage next to and flowing into it, and a horse. just standing there. thinking about him drinking that water makes my stomach turn. i saw signs for hotels and hostels and the pit grew even more. we had kids with us, we have a lot of money's worth of supplies with us, we had...ME with us - we needed a safe place to stay. the bus ride took over 30 minutes and finally, the crazy bus driver turned us into the driveway for our destination for the evening.
the Crowne Plaza.
thank you Jesus.
it was beautiful. it was clean. and it was a mad house. they hurried us through registration and pushed us to the restaurant for dinner before it closed. i was so excited to eat! this was not American food however, but you wouldn't have noticed anyone was leery. we were too hungry to care. after dinner, i went up to my own room {which after being on a plane for a million hours was much needed} and for the first time in about 12 hours, there wasn't an ounce of frustration in me. the room was gorgeous. and when i opened the windows, i could have cried. Santiago was beautiful. it was surrounded by the Andes moutains on every side and from the my 24th {maybe it was 22nd. i was tired} floor view, i could see people still sunbathing on roofs at 8pm and the hustle and bustle and streetlights coming on far below. it was then that i realized, i probably would never go to Santiago, Chile in my life. and if did, it would probably be for something similar to what we were trying to get to Lima to do and it would most certainly not include me staying in the Crowne Plaza for free in a room with a view.
what an opportunity.
i took the best shower of my life and slept hard that night and woke up early to get ready for the airport. the Santiago airport was craziness and LAN {the airline. ugh.} had brought in a plane just for the 200-ish of us from the day before. we all spent that entire 30 some hours together. emma was there. and so were sonny and his cousin - 2 guys we met {that spoke english!} on the plane. and there was rafael. remember how i said God lets us meet angels? no exception here.
one of the guys with us, tim, was sitting next to rafael on the plane the day before. he was a Peruvian national living in America. so at the Santiago airport, at the Crowne Plaza, at the Santiago airport, all the way through when we walked out of customs in Lima and out of the airport, he translated for us, intervened for us, and saw us through. then he just said, "have a great time." and walked away. because of that language barrier, we most likely would have had an even harder time realizing what was going on, doing what we were asked, knowing what was coming, getting through customs. i believe God placed him next to tim on that plane. i hope years down the line, he remembers the 21 people traveling from Ohio to Peru to reach his people. we will surely remember him.
so we flew 4 hours to Lima and by the grace of God, and with the help of rafael, made it through customs easily. when you're carrying 42 army green duffel bags, they could make it really difficult for you or not want the headache. i'm so grateful they didn't want to deal with us that day. we were already so tired.
we walked outside into the heat of Lima. and then life got really yellow.
part two...tomorrow. :)
Monday, January 23, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
two years.
quick. go to facebook. read my last note i wrote on january 14, 2011. then come back.
awesome. now we both know what i'm about to talk about.
awesome. now we both know what i'm about to talk about.
it has been two years since i decided to change my life. hardest & best two years of my life.
the first year was mostly about change. this year has been mostly about adjustment & opportunity.
things that have happened since january 14, 2011:
i moved to landen.
i opened up the studio.
i went from a "photographer who does weddings" to a "wedding photographer". {totally different}
i went to LU for the first time since i graduated.
i visited jon in utah and alexandra in florida.
i became friends with people i've admired professionally for years and established myself among them.
i went from sometimes attending origins to plugging into a small group, being in the band every other week, and something else i'll touch on in a minute. :)
i finally got some tattoos. eek!
and obviously a lot more. those are my highlights. oh, and i'm sure you're thinking, "but how much more weight have you lost?" we'll get to that.
2011 in many ways was the best year of my life. moving to my little apartment with kennedy - no roommates - no family - has taught me so much. for instance, i really like living alone. but i really hate being alone. so obvi, the next apartment will be solo...but very close to people i love. :) i had a good deal of heartache this year. and there were times i sat in that apartment crying for hours. literally. when i couldn't rely on someone to distract me. i had to truly deal with my pain instead of locking it away like i've always done. that was terrible. and the best thing for me. i see that now. the time i've had to spend alone this year has been something i hated...and now am grateful for.
professionally, i couldn't have asked for a better year. the business grew and it grew the best way - word of mouth. i still don't pay for advertising on the websites that bring me the most business {and oh, how they call so that i will). in late 2010, i got overwhelmed and remember telling a friend, "ok fine. i'll do the weddings i've booked. but i'm not booking any more." and it was like God heard that and laughed at me because it was mere weeks after i said that when the weddings started pouring in. and they haven't stopped. i don't say that to brag. i am humbled by this opportunity to do what i love and am good at. to say both of those is rare, i know.
all of the good that has come this year, professionally and personally, i truly believe has come because of that decision i made on january 14, 2010. what does losing weight have to do with all of this?? everything.
i told you guys that i lost 114 pounds that first year. i truly think telling you that was more difficult for me than actually losing the weight! :) pride has always been a stumbling block for me. not being prideful in the cocky, holier-than-thou way but my pride has always hit in the form of a hard heart, a inclination to be funny instead of vulnerable, a decision to keep people away instead of letting them in. and when i started my journey to change physically, change emotionally, mentally, and spiritually came along for the ride whether i wanted it to or not.
year two has dealt with adjusting to those changes mostly in the demon commonly known as insecurity. this physical change brought every insecurity {that i didn't even know i had} to the surface and 2011 was a battle against those. but i won. well, correction, am winning. i'm not too sure when this battle will go away but i'll fight it to the death, believe that.
losing 114 pounds in a year just with hard work and wise choices was hard. i knew year two would produce less "astonishing" numbers and i was okay with that. i'm not in any rush. i just like getting healthier. my emotions got the best of me for a few months and i gained some weight back. that was difficult. but in year two, i lost 43 more pounds making the total 157 pounds {and again, my heart is racing telling you guys that}. still a ways to go, but i've got this. i've got this.
i know it's not january 14th. but i couldn't write this to you guys then because of that thing i mentioned earlier about origins. i leave on the 14th for Peru. we're going down there for a week to meet needs, share the gospel, and love on the Peruvian people. the fact that i am leaving to do this on the 2 year 'anniversary' of my life change is no coincidence. i can tell you with completely certainty, that i would have never done something like this before. that girl before was scared and apathetic. this one is free.
the two tattoos i got this year pretty much sum up this journey i'm on. i got tikvah - which is hebrew for 'hope' on my foot. hope is everything to me. hope is what gets me up in the morning, it's what let's me sleep well at night. romans 5:2-4 - through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. more than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope. <-- that is the desire of my heart.
the second tattoo i got is on my wrist so i can see it every day. it says kitpivos. people that don't really know me look so confused when i tell them what it means. anyone that does know me just smiles when i tell them. regardless of what this life brings to me, what mistakes i make, what opportunities i have or opportunities i miss, what goals i reach or which ones i fall short on, what progress i make or the times i stand still - i will forever look at my wrist and be reminded that this life is so yellow.
i so deeply appreciate all of the love and support i've been given the last 2 years. it is a humbling process. and one that i wouldn't take back. and so here's to year 3. i won't write a blog at the end of this one detailing my progress and successes - this is life now. a constant process of change and health - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. at 26 years old, i am starting life over again because i choose to. come along for the ride?
it's going to be a yellow, yellow life.
Monday, December 19, 2011
anything if it's yellow {perspective}
if you had to sum up christmas in one word {uh, other than christmas}, what would it be?
some of you might have watched too many lifetime movies and you'd say "family", some of you might go the spiritual route and you'd say "Jesus" {and obvi you'd be right}, and some of you will be honest and you'd say...
presents.
let's be honest. you're either a kid {i'd be impressed if a kid was reading this} and you just want, want, want or you're a parent, a grandparent, an auntie or someone else who got conned into buying for a kid and you're fighting with people the day after thanksgiving for an easy bake oven or you're waiting last minute and buying a giftcard {guilty}. you're a spouse who just has no idea what to get for her husband. maybe you adopted a family to buy for. maybe you drew a name with your friends. at the end of the day, i'd be surprised if none of you reading this had to buy a present for anyone this christmas or were going to receive one.
buying and receiving presents at christmas doesn't bother me. while i have learned in my adulthood that it's not the "reason for the season", with the exception of going completely over the top for bratty kids {cause that bothers everyone}, buying things for the people you love is all good with me.
i generally like whatever people get me. are there times i think "i really would have rather had..."? sure. we want what we want. but for the most part...i just want good things - thinks i like, things that make me happy.
this morning, i was talking about christmas presents with maddi, who is 7. i said, "what should miss rachel ask santa to get her for christmas?" and she just looked at me with a smile and said, "you like anything if it's yellow."
out of the mouth of babes.
it's really true. i like anything that's yellow. yellow clothes, yellow decor, yellow food {yes sometimes i eat things solely because they're yellow}, yellow appliances, yellow everything. and if you have followed me long enough, you know that the color yellow is also symbolic to me. it's happiness, it's things falling into place, it's time with people i love, it's the light at the end of dark tunnels, it's even been the dark tunnels. yellow is my joy.
this morning, just an hour or so before i had that conversation with maddi, i had a conversation with the only person that teaches me more than the kiddos in my life - God. remember the blog about asking God for something specific? still am. the prayer has changed a bit but i still believe it hasn't been answered and i'm waiting. sometimes patiently but more often not {just being honest}. but i've said to him {and meant it}, that i'm good either way, knowing that his ways are higher than mine.
whatever he brings to my life, whatever he gives me, whatever he works out, and even whatever he allows to come into my life {talking about the hard things, the no's, the 'storms') is yellow. and after praying this morning for what i want, telling the creator of the universe that i want it but i'm okay with whatever he gives me, a little girl reminded me of one simple little truth -
i like anything.
if it's yellow.
Monday, December 5, 2011
if i could write a letter to me...{yep}
know the song? you non-country lovers might not. so go to youtube and search for brad paisley's song and fall in love.
i heart that song. if he could write a letter to himself at younger ages, he'd tell himself to do things differently, thank people that cared about him, not be discouraged by heartache, etc.
so guess what i'm going to do? yep.
if i could write a letter to me....
from 0-5 years old: yeah, i don't remember you. but you were such a cute little girl. and judging from the pictures i've seen of you, you loooooved your daddy. as you should have. at some point when you were 3ish, you met a girl named joy. you were probably scared of her. as you should have been. but she's going to be the most faithful friend you've ever had. so share your sunchips with her.
from age 5-10: i'm glad you spent so much time in the pool. and even though it's technically sun damage, i love every freckle you have. and there are a lot of them.
you're going to love a band called the new kids on the block. don't worry - when you're 26, you're going to get to touch one of them at a concert. it will seriously be the highlight of your life.
no matter what your brother and sister say, you do not suffer from a disease called "fro-inosis".
in february 1994: something's going to happen today that you're not going to understand. you're going to get to spend the night at your friend's house on a school night and think it's awesome. you'll find out the next day that your dad had a heart attack and you'll cry because your sister did. you have no idea how your dad's health will affect the rest of your life. do me a favor and don't be a brat so often. go easy on the old guy. especially since he spent all of your childhood at your soccer and basketball games and taking you to sharon dippity.
junior high me: you're going to go to a new school where for the next 6 years, everyone will know you as the "brutally honest" one. stop. really. i'm even annoyed with you and i...was you.
high school me: i'm really glad you had brittany in high school. you had so much fun. i'm not really glad that you were so mean sometimes. i know why you were. you were the odd girl out sometimes before you came to this school and you didn't want it to happen again. i get it. not happy with you for it but i get it. you weren't happy with yourself and that makes me sad. you're going to have to grow up in november of 2002 when your childhood friend dies in a car accident. you and your friends made the best of every time you were together and i'm glad you have those memories. oh and really, your eyebrows - what in the world were you thinking? and the orange and blonde highlights on your black hair? fail. major, major fail.
december 11, 1999: your grandpa is going to die today. i'm so glad you had 14 years with him. i'm glad you got to go to the park and pinky's with him on secret ice cream trips. you're going to miss him forever.
february 16, 2000: you're going to make the best decision of your life tonight. there will be so many times in your life that the only comfort you have is Christ's love. so glad you accepted it.
october 2001: you're going to get in your first car accident. glad it was just a fender bender.
june 2003: you're going to graduate high school. you and joy will sing a song that will embarrass you but 8 years later, you'll try to remember the words and sing it together in the car and laugh. just a heads up so you don't have to google so much - it was called listen to our hearts.
august 2003: you're going to go to college and make a lot of memories over the next 3 years. when he talks to you that first time, don't fall so hard. when you really don't want to go to western civilization, you should probably go. i wish you hadn't been such a follower since that's not who you are at all. i'm glad you went away and lived away from your family though. you grew so much.
march 12, 2004: this is going to be the the most painful day of your life. you're going to get in your friend's car and drive to ohio for spring break. you won't get to ohio today though. she's going to lose control of the car, you're going to flip a bunch of times and then get thrown out, you're going to take a very expensive helicopter ride {you won't remember} to west virginia and you'll hang out at st. mary's hospital where some doctors and nurses will save your life. you're going to be in an extreme amount of pain, some of which will last a very long time. you're going to have to leave school for awhile, have surgery, have scars, have pain. if i could tell you what to do that morning, though, i'd tell you to still get in that car. the good that came from that day is something only you and i understand.
you're going to meet mel gibson. i wish you would have not looked a mess so you would have gotten a picture with him.
october 2, 2005: you're going to get a terrible phone call. your friend kevin is going to die today. it will just so happen that all of your housemates will be gone all day and you'll sit in your room and cry for hours. i wish i could hug you.
summer 2006: you're going to meet a girl named maggie. is this where i tell you that you should run? nah. you're going to need her.
2006-2010: you're going to kind of spiral down. you're going to make terrible decisions, get in debt, gain weight, date stupid men, shirk responsibility and be a typical early 20 something. i wish i could have cut your credit cards up you dummy. i'm still under the burden of that.
may 7, 2006: you're going to become an aunt. she's going to be beautiful.
2007: you're going to spend money you don't have on a camera you "don't need". that camera will change your life. i'm glad you bought it.
august 20, 2009: you're going to be an aunt again. she's going to be beautiful too. even when you don't want to make the drive down to children's hospital, go every time to visit her.
january 14, 2010: you're going to make a decision to change your life today. it's going to be so hard. but my life is different because you decided to get healthy. i'm so proud of you.
october 16, 2010: you're going to LET maggie marry paul. that was stupid.
november 2010: dad's heart is going to give you a scare again. i'm glad you spent as much time at the hospital with him as you did. no one should be alone in there. and the room service food will be delicious.
you're going to fall in love a few times. and then you're going to fall out of love. a couple of times it won't be so hard. and one or two of the times, it will be terrible. i wish i could tell you how rarely you'll think of them now and how wrong you'll realize they were for you.
don't get offended so easily.
don't waste your time arguing politics, social issues, etc. even though you really enjoy it.
i'm being completely serious right now: don't give deals to friends in business. you will resent them for it.
i'm not sure if i should tell you that bangs were a good idea or not. jury's still out on that one.
visit your mamaw more.
i'm really glad you weren't much of a worrier growing up. if i have children, i'd want them to be as care-free as you.
don't watch food inc. okay, nevermind, do it. it was good for you.
but don't watch black swan. seriously.
lots of things i wish you'd done less. lots of things i wish you'd done more. even some things i wish had never happened. but really - i like you. for the most part. you'll be better because of your pain. you'll grow from your mistakes.
if i could tell you to do anything differently, i'd have to say - love more.
and the eyebrows. i wish you had fixed the eyebrows.
xx
i heart that song. if he could write a letter to himself at younger ages, he'd tell himself to do things differently, thank people that cared about him, not be discouraged by heartache, etc.
so guess what i'm going to do? yep.
if i could write a letter to me....
from 0-5 years old: yeah, i don't remember you. but you were such a cute little girl. and judging from the pictures i've seen of you, you loooooved your daddy. as you should have. at some point when you were 3ish, you met a girl named joy. you were probably scared of her. as you should have been. but she's going to be the most faithful friend you've ever had. so share your sunchips with her.
from age 5-10: i'm glad you spent so much time in the pool. and even though it's technically sun damage, i love every freckle you have. and there are a lot of them.
you're going to love a band called the new kids on the block. don't worry - when you're 26, you're going to get to touch one of them at a concert. it will seriously be the highlight of your life.
no matter what your brother and sister say, you do not suffer from a disease called "fro-inosis".
in february 1994: something's going to happen today that you're not going to understand. you're going to get to spend the night at your friend's house on a school night and think it's awesome. you'll find out the next day that your dad had a heart attack and you'll cry because your sister did. you have no idea how your dad's health will affect the rest of your life. do me a favor and don't be a brat so often. go easy on the old guy. especially since he spent all of your childhood at your soccer and basketball games and taking you to sharon dippity.
junior high me: you're going to go to a new school where for the next 6 years, everyone will know you as the "brutally honest" one. stop. really. i'm even annoyed with you and i...was you.
high school me: i'm really glad you had brittany in high school. you had so much fun. i'm not really glad that you were so mean sometimes. i know why you were. you were the odd girl out sometimes before you came to this school and you didn't want it to happen again. i get it. not happy with you for it but i get it. you weren't happy with yourself and that makes me sad. you're going to have to grow up in november of 2002 when your childhood friend dies in a car accident. you and your friends made the best of every time you were together and i'm glad you have those memories. oh and really, your eyebrows - what in the world were you thinking? and the orange and blonde highlights on your black hair? fail. major, major fail.
december 11, 1999: your grandpa is going to die today. i'm so glad you had 14 years with him. i'm glad you got to go to the park and pinky's with him on secret ice cream trips. you're going to miss him forever.
february 16, 2000: you're going to make the best decision of your life tonight. there will be so many times in your life that the only comfort you have is Christ's love. so glad you accepted it.
october 2001: you're going to get in your first car accident. glad it was just a fender bender.
june 2003: you're going to graduate high school. you and joy will sing a song that will embarrass you but 8 years later, you'll try to remember the words and sing it together in the car and laugh. just a heads up so you don't have to google so much - it was called listen to our hearts.
august 2003: you're going to go to college and make a lot of memories over the next 3 years. when he talks to you that first time, don't fall so hard. when you really don't want to go to western civilization, you should probably go. i wish you hadn't been such a follower since that's not who you are at all. i'm glad you went away and lived away from your family though. you grew so much.
march 12, 2004: this is going to be the the most painful day of your life. you're going to get in your friend's car and drive to ohio for spring break. you won't get to ohio today though. she's going to lose control of the car, you're going to flip a bunch of times and then get thrown out, you're going to take a very expensive helicopter ride {you won't remember} to west virginia and you'll hang out at st. mary's hospital where some doctors and nurses will save your life. you're going to be in an extreme amount of pain, some of which will last a very long time. you're going to have to leave school for awhile, have surgery, have scars, have pain. if i could tell you what to do that morning, though, i'd tell you to still get in that car. the good that came from that day is something only you and i understand.
you're going to meet mel gibson. i wish you would have not looked a mess so you would have gotten a picture with him.
october 2, 2005: you're going to get a terrible phone call. your friend kevin is going to die today. it will just so happen that all of your housemates will be gone all day and you'll sit in your room and cry for hours. i wish i could hug you.
summer 2006: you're going to meet a girl named maggie. is this where i tell you that you should run? nah. you're going to need her.
2006-2010: you're going to kind of spiral down. you're going to make terrible decisions, get in debt, gain weight, date stupid men, shirk responsibility and be a typical early 20 something. i wish i could have cut your credit cards up you dummy. i'm still under the burden of that.
may 7, 2006: you're going to become an aunt. she's going to be beautiful.
2007: you're going to spend money you don't have on a camera you "don't need". that camera will change your life. i'm glad you bought it.
august 20, 2009: you're going to be an aunt again. she's going to be beautiful too. even when you don't want to make the drive down to children's hospital, go every time to visit her.
january 14, 2010: you're going to make a decision to change your life today. it's going to be so hard. but my life is different because you decided to get healthy. i'm so proud of you.
october 16, 2010: you're going to LET maggie marry paul. that was stupid.
november 2010: dad's heart is going to give you a scare again. i'm glad you spent as much time at the hospital with him as you did. no one should be alone in there. and the room service food will be delicious.
you're going to fall in love a few times. and then you're going to fall out of love. a couple of times it won't be so hard. and one or two of the times, it will be terrible. i wish i could tell you how rarely you'll think of them now and how wrong you'll realize they were for you.
don't get offended so easily.
don't waste your time arguing politics, social issues, etc. even though you really enjoy it.
i'm being completely serious right now: don't give deals to friends in business. you will resent them for it.
i'm not sure if i should tell you that bangs were a good idea or not. jury's still out on that one.
visit your mamaw more.
i'm really glad you weren't much of a worrier growing up. if i have children, i'd want them to be as care-free as you.
don't watch food inc. okay, nevermind, do it. it was good for you.
but don't watch black swan. seriously.
lots of things i wish you'd done less. lots of things i wish you'd done more. even some things i wish had never happened. but really - i like you. for the most part. you'll be better because of your pain. you'll grow from your mistakes.
if i could tell you to do anything differently, i'd have to say - love more.
and the eyebrows. i wish you had fixed the eyebrows.
xx
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
thank you {thanksgiving}
so all month, people {including me} have been posting daily about what they're thankful for and about who they're thankful for. and why. i'd like to take a moment {and really just a moment as it's a holiday and i want to choose to spend it wisely} thanking all of the people that didn't make the traditional list.
i'd like to thank my next door neighbor for hating my dog and complaining about him the day i moved in. i've thanked you by not always picking up after him on our walks. you're welcome.
i'd like to thank a girl i didn't really like for marrying a guy that i really did love. cause i just saw a recent picture and he let himself go. AND he wasn't that nice to me. so thanks.
i'd like to thank the kid in high school who called me a fat b**** in front of the whole class and made me cry. you gave me the thick skin i needed to get through life so far and you made me watch what i say to people.
i'd like to thank every single rejection letter i got from jobs i thought i wanted when i graduated college. what i thought was a desperate attempt to make money because you said i was unqualified turned out to be my passion. and sidenote: i was more than qualified.
i'd like to thank the guy who made fun of me in front of a big group when i started my business. i remember vividly - "you're going to be a photographer? you know you have to actually be talented right?" that was followed by laughter from a few of the guys. funny how my photos were in elle magazine. someone should tell them i need talent. thanks for adding to the thick skin.
i'd like to thank sallie mae for making sure i start college funds for my children when they're born.
i'd like to thank every guy i've ever dated who didn't treat me well. thank you for showing me what i don't want.
i'd like to thank mcdonald's for upping their price of the double cheeseburger that one summer because joy and i finally stopped eating them.
i'd like to thank all of the people who have ever hurt me but more than that, i'd like to thank all of the people that have ever forgiven me for hurting them.
i'd like to thank all of the people who broke my trust but more than that, i'd like to thank all of the people who have forgiven me for breaking theirs.
every person in my life has made me who i am today, the good and the bad. so i just wanted to say thanks.
and to that guy from high school, look at me now. ;)
happy thanksgiving.
xx
i'd like to thank my next door neighbor for hating my dog and complaining about him the day i moved in. i've thanked you by not always picking up after him on our walks. you're welcome.
i'd like to thank a girl i didn't really like for marrying a guy that i really did love. cause i just saw a recent picture and he let himself go. AND he wasn't that nice to me. so thanks.
i'd like to thank the kid in high school who called me a fat b**** in front of the whole class and made me cry. you gave me the thick skin i needed to get through life so far and you made me watch what i say to people.
i'd like to thank every single rejection letter i got from jobs i thought i wanted when i graduated college. what i thought was a desperate attempt to make money because you said i was unqualified turned out to be my passion. and sidenote: i was more than qualified.
i'd like to thank the guy who made fun of me in front of a big group when i started my business. i remember vividly - "you're going to be a photographer? you know you have to actually be talented right?" that was followed by laughter from a few of the guys. funny how my photos were in elle magazine. someone should tell them i need talent. thanks for adding to the thick skin.
i'd like to thank sallie mae for making sure i start college funds for my children when they're born.
i'd like to thank every guy i've ever dated who didn't treat me well. thank you for showing me what i don't want.
i'd like to thank mcdonald's for upping their price of the double cheeseburger that one summer because joy and i finally stopped eating them.
i'd like to thank all of the people who have ever hurt me but more than that, i'd like to thank all of the people that have ever forgiven me for hurting them.
i'd like to thank all of the people who broke my trust but more than that, i'd like to thank all of the people who have forgiven me for breaking theirs.
every person in my life has made me who i am today, the good and the bad. so i just wanted to say thanks.
and to that guy from high school, look at me now. ;)
happy thanksgiving.
xx
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
if tomorrow never comes {everyone's doing it}
i heart blogs.
i really do. well. i heart well-written ones that make me laugh, make me cry, make me think. and occasionally, i like blogs that are like mine and share a random youtube video of a kid lip-synching to katy perry.
so far today, i've read 3 blogs. one from someone in my field and when i followed the link to her pricing, i wanted to vomit. {just a thought - why do you give 8 hours of coverage by 2 photographers if you're only going to give them FIFTY images at the end? i won't even go into what they were charging for thas...} one about sports - specifically football...even more specifically this past sunday's steelers-bengals game. {this young team can hang with the big names. for sure.} and then one by a man who recently lost his father and sister in law. he wrote a letter to his family just in case he should suddenly pass. it made me cry. it made me laugh. it made me want to write one.
so here goes.
in case i should suddenly pass while doing something awesome, i want the following things to be known.
mom and dad, jess knocked over that big family Bible that one time when no one would admit doing it and we didn't get to go to the movies since someone was lying. i watched her do it.
jess, i forgive you for that. finally.
i fully expect a yellow funeral. if people are not wearing yellow, turn them away. okay, don't do that but give them a dirty look and make them sit in the back.
if kennedy isn't taken in by someone who loves me, i will make sure all of your one way tickets are headed south.
my chickens - you made me a better person. i love you to the moon and back.
i started to think of who to give what to, but in reality, you guys are going to need to sell everything i own to pay off my debts so....sorry about that.
please don't let them keep my facebook account up.
yes, jonathan was my favorite family member. just stating the obvious there.
after my funeral, i want everyone to go to cock and bull {in groups of 15 please. the place is tiny for real.} and tell stories about me...that are appropriate. please.
maggie, sorry about busting your nose that one time. but since you projectile vomited me, i think i was just calling it even. hope you never stop doing our firework dance...or order one taco, please.
i want my girls to take a trip to louisville every year around my birthday. it wouldn't hurt if there was a guy with a reds hat on there.
i want my brother and sister to tell my nieces all about their super cool aunt. and how she loved them with her whole heart. and make sure they are raised right - as reds fans. the die-hard kind.
i hope you were truly proud of me, mom and dad. i was proud of you.
if the bengals ever win the super bowl, i expect someone to write a status update that i would have written. it should go like this: "fairweather fans, if you even think of saying who dey, i will personally come to your house and beat the crap out of you."
joy - i'll make sure our mansions are as close up in heaven as our houses are now. so we can say we're going to go run together...and go eat mexican instead.
cry. i want you to cry. a lot of people say, i don't want you to cry for me after i go. well, i do. i mean, seriously. cry your freaking eyes out. and then move on.
think of me when you hear michael jackson sing, when you watch someone tear all their food apart, when you pass rarity mountain on the way to tennessee, when you say "i can't handle it", when you watch a jude law movie, when you hear an old garth brooks song, when you see someone take all the cheese off their pizza and eat it last, when you skip over a JFK documentary on the history channel, when someone points in the air when they talk, when octoberfest comes out in the fall, when someone starts a joke with "what's the difference between a grape and an elephant?", when you eat hummus, when RENT comes to town, when you feel like arguing over politics or something equally as pointless to argue about, when 'witchita lineman' comes on the radio, when you do the 'rachel' dance {it should always live on}, when you sing "fancy" at karaoke, when you hear someone laugh really, really, really loud...
and mostly - i want you to think of me whenever you can sit back and say, "life is so yellow." and i hope that is often. more because i wish nothing but happiness for everyone but a LITTLE because i want you to think about me. let's be honest. if you forget about me, i'll....haunt you or something.
i have zero plans of going anywhere anytime soon. but i'm not promised tomorrow so in case i go, i wanted you all to know all of that. until then, i'd like to start living like tomorrow might not happen. speak in love, give, pause and rethink unkindness, visit my mamaw, go for a run outside, return my phone calls, talk to God, laugh, and remind myself that if tomorrow DOESN'T come, these 26 years 4 months 27 days and 41 minutes have been yellow. very, very yellow.
xx
i really do. well. i heart well-written ones that make me laugh, make me cry, make me think. and occasionally, i like blogs that are like mine and share a random youtube video of a kid lip-synching to katy perry.
so far today, i've read 3 blogs. one from someone in my field and when i followed the link to her pricing, i wanted to vomit. {just a thought - why do you give 8 hours of coverage by 2 photographers if you're only going to give them FIFTY images at the end? i won't even go into what they were charging for thas...} one about sports - specifically football...even more specifically this past sunday's steelers-bengals game. {this young team can hang with the big names. for sure.} and then one by a man who recently lost his father and sister in law. he wrote a letter to his family just in case he should suddenly pass. it made me cry. it made me laugh. it made me want to write one.
so here goes.
in case i should suddenly pass while doing something awesome, i want the following things to be known.
mom and dad, jess knocked over that big family Bible that one time when no one would admit doing it and we didn't get to go to the movies since someone was lying. i watched her do it.
jess, i forgive you for that. finally.
i fully expect a yellow funeral. if people are not wearing yellow, turn them away. okay, don't do that but give them a dirty look and make them sit in the back.
if kennedy isn't taken in by someone who loves me, i will make sure all of your one way tickets are headed south.
my chickens - you made me a better person. i love you to the moon and back.
i started to think of who to give what to, but in reality, you guys are going to need to sell everything i own to pay off my debts so....sorry about that.
please don't let them keep my facebook account up.
yes, jonathan was my favorite family member. just stating the obvious there.
after my funeral, i want everyone to go to cock and bull {in groups of 15 please. the place is tiny for real.} and tell stories about me...that are appropriate. please.
maggie, sorry about busting your nose that one time. but since you projectile vomited me, i think i was just calling it even. hope you never stop doing our firework dance...or order one taco, please.
i want my girls to take a trip to louisville every year around my birthday. it wouldn't hurt if there was a guy with a reds hat on there.
i want my brother and sister to tell my nieces all about their super cool aunt. and how she loved them with her whole heart. and make sure they are raised right - as reds fans. the die-hard kind.
i hope you were truly proud of me, mom and dad. i was proud of you.
if the bengals ever win the super bowl, i expect someone to write a status update that i would have written. it should go like this: "fairweather fans, if you even think of saying who dey, i will personally come to your house and beat the crap out of you."
joy - i'll make sure our mansions are as close up in heaven as our houses are now. so we can say we're going to go run together...and go eat mexican instead.
cry. i want you to cry. a lot of people say, i don't want you to cry for me after i go. well, i do. i mean, seriously. cry your freaking eyes out. and then move on.
think of me when you hear michael jackson sing, when you watch someone tear all their food apart, when you pass rarity mountain on the way to tennessee, when you say "i can't handle it", when you watch a jude law movie, when you hear an old garth brooks song, when you see someone take all the cheese off their pizza and eat it last, when you skip over a JFK documentary on the history channel, when someone points in the air when they talk, when octoberfest comes out in the fall, when someone starts a joke with "what's the difference between a grape and an elephant?", when you eat hummus, when RENT comes to town, when you feel like arguing over politics or something equally as pointless to argue about, when 'witchita lineman' comes on the radio, when you do the 'rachel' dance {it should always live on}, when you sing "fancy" at karaoke, when you hear someone laugh really, really, really loud...
and mostly - i want you to think of me whenever you can sit back and say, "life is so yellow." and i hope that is often. more because i wish nothing but happiness for everyone but a LITTLE because i want you to think about me. let's be honest. if you forget about me, i'll....haunt you or something.
i have zero plans of going anywhere anytime soon. but i'm not promised tomorrow so in case i go, i wanted you all to know all of that. until then, i'd like to start living like tomorrow might not happen. speak in love, give, pause and rethink unkindness, visit my mamaw, go for a run outside, return my phone calls, talk to God, laugh, and remind myself that if tomorrow DOESN'T come, these 26 years 4 months 27 days and 41 minutes have been yellow. very, very yellow.
xx
Friday, November 4, 2011
scar tissue that i wish you saw {life}
"dead people don't have scars."
someone said that to me 5 or 6 months after my car accident when i was being emo about mine. if you've met me in the last few years, you'd probably say, "what scars?" believe me, they were there. the ones on my left hand were most noticeable. my hand was pretty much covered with them and well, i'm left handed so often when i reached for something or waved at someone, i'd hear, "oh my gosh, what happened to your hand??" the ones on my face were thankfully near my hairline and fairly easy to cover with makeup. i didn't wear a dress for the longest time because the ones on my legs always brought about that same question - "oh my gosh, what happened to you??"
i remember a doctor saying that he expected my skin {specifically my face} to heal well based on how fast it began to heal from the beginning. i did not have high expectations. i was young and vain and mortified by my scars, even the ones in really unimportant places like my hands and even my toes.
then i heard those words - "dead people don't have scars." it took me a few minutes to get it and months to understand it.
i was alive.
an accident that could have {and logically, should have} taken my life, didn't. it beat me up, it caused me pain, it left me with scars but it didn't kill me.
i think you know where i'm going with this. :)
speaking personally, i have a lot of scars. not only on my skin but on my soul. some, maybe most, are self-inflicted. some are not. some are really fresh. some have been there for years. some didn't hurt all that bad. some of them nearly killed me.
but they didn't.
those of you that didn't even know i had scars on my face, my hands, my legs - you're the proof that scars fade. with proper care, they do. so i use vitamin e for my body and the love of my savior, my family and my friends for the ones on my soul.
they're never really gone. and as along as you're alive, you'll probably keep getting them. you'll accidentally cut yourself chopping vegetables, you'll get your heart broken, you'll fall playing sports, and you'll be betrayed by someone you trust. but if you keep getting them, it means nothing's killed you yet.
so keep living.
scars fade.
life is so yellow.
xx
someone said that to me 5 or 6 months after my car accident when i was being emo about mine. if you've met me in the last few years, you'd probably say, "what scars?" believe me, they were there. the ones on my left hand were most noticeable. my hand was pretty much covered with them and well, i'm left handed so often when i reached for something or waved at someone, i'd hear, "oh my gosh, what happened to your hand??" the ones on my face were thankfully near my hairline and fairly easy to cover with makeup. i didn't wear a dress for the longest time because the ones on my legs always brought about that same question - "oh my gosh, what happened to you??"
i remember a doctor saying that he expected my skin {specifically my face} to heal well based on how fast it began to heal from the beginning. i did not have high expectations. i was young and vain and mortified by my scars, even the ones in really unimportant places like my hands and even my toes.
then i heard those words - "dead people don't have scars." it took me a few minutes to get it and months to understand it.
i was alive.
an accident that could have {and logically, should have} taken my life, didn't. it beat me up, it caused me pain, it left me with scars but it didn't kill me.
i think you know where i'm going with this. :)
speaking personally, i have a lot of scars. not only on my skin but on my soul. some, maybe most, are self-inflicted. some are not. some are really fresh. some have been there for years. some didn't hurt all that bad. some of them nearly killed me.
but they didn't.
those of you that didn't even know i had scars on my face, my hands, my legs - you're the proof that scars fade. with proper care, they do. so i use vitamin e for my body and the love of my savior, my family and my friends for the ones on my soul.
they're never really gone. and as along as you're alive, you'll probably keep getting them. you'll accidentally cut yourself chopping vegetables, you'll get your heart broken, you'll fall playing sports, and you'll be betrayed by someone you trust. but if you keep getting them, it means nothing's killed you yet.
so keep living.
scars fade.
life is so yellow.
xx
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