i keep finding sand everywhere... {friendship}

there are certain times in my life that i feel old.
this weekend was one of them.
i flew down to south florida to visit one of my college roommates, alexandra, whom i hadn't seen in 4 years.
since when was i old enough to go 4 years without seeing someone, let alone someone i went to college with??


let's start at the beginning.


i drove up to columbus (cause praise God for southwest airlines even if i have to drive a little) and had a yummo lunch with rachel and finally saw her apartment there (bad friend award). i almost missed my first flight (awesome) and then i had to run through tampa's airport to not miss my second one. i make fun of that person. i did not enjoy being that person.
so i get on my second flight and i'm bummed cause i'm starving but thank goodness for those yummy peanuts. UNTIL the mean pilot said "this ride's gonna be bumpy so we won't have any service during the duration of the flight nor are we going to permit any passengers to move around the aircraft for any reason." it was only a 40 minute flight. and i said the sinner's prayer 56 times. we apparently were flying through a crazy storm and i think the pilot was aiming for clouds. BUT i made it safely to fort lauderdale and had a slightly dramatic embrace with alex that annoyed the people trying to get to the one baggage claim they had like 1393 flights' bags coming into.
here's my weekend summed up: lots of sleep. we napped a LOT. but that's vacation and it's awesome. food. alex is an excellent chef (much like my other chef alex. i realized from strange texts i got that there was some confusion of who i was in florida with. hysterical.) and we ate GOOOOOOD. i have some yummy recipes to try and some vacation pounds to pay my sins for. we went on an airboat tour of the everglades and i held a baby alligator (for about 4 seconds). i went on my first ever fishing trip but i can still say i've never fished. alex caught the first fish of the morning and i was so traumatized that i teared up and spent the next 5 hours on the front of the boat away from the action. :) this peta member is not a candidate for fishing. however when she prepared the kingfish and tuna she caught the next evening, i happily obliged in crushing it. fresh fish = winning.
we went to their church and heard a good message. (my takeaway from that: we preach grace to the lost and duty to the christian. it should be grace for both. good stuff.) went to the beach, went to the pool, watched some movies, went to ikea, slept, and slept and ate and slept. :) true vacation in my eyes. i wanted to do something special for alex and danny (her husband) for letting me crash their place for 4 nights so the last morning, we headed to the beach for a short photo shoot. i can't wait to see how their pictures turned out.
we reminisced a lot. i miss college sometimes. not all the time. but sometimes. i was a completely different person in virginia. and it's not that i've changed from who i was then but i've changed from who i was there. before virginia, on break from virginia, and after virginia, i've been relatively the same person. but when i was at liberty, i wasn't myself. i wasn't that social, i wasn't confident at all, i didn't come away from college with a long list of potential bridesmaids (those are my high school girls), i didn't come away with a husband. i graduated early so i could get out of there. i didn't hate my college experience by any means but i wasn't me there.
the good news is that even in something that wasn't my favorite, i did come away with a few things. one of those being my friendship with alexandra. we picked up 4 years later right where we left off. it was really great to finally hug her and really sad to hug her goodbye knowing it could very well be 4 years until i see her again (scotland is so very far away, al).
ready for a super cliche moment you'll be annoyed with me because of? there's a carrie bradshaw quote that i love: "Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."


i don't completely think my choice for college was a mistake but i definitely ask myself often why i didn't choose something else. but if i had, i wouldn't have alex. and i wouldn't trade her for the world.


xx

planes, faith & bacon wrapped meatloaf.

i got back from a long weekend in utah about an hour and a half ago. i am terribly tired but i'm still on mountain time so i can't quite go to sleep. so i'm here. and i'm about to tell you about my weekend.

planes:
i love southwest. only problem is cincinnati nor dayton have it. so i had to drive to indianapolis. which was kind of far but worth the money save. first flight on friday - totally packed and the guy next to me was not an armrest sharer. but i did get a window seat. second flight on friday - a 4 year old that screamed the entire time. the. entire. time. first flight today - i had a row alone and it was peaceful and got to read. second flight today - totally packed and i had a middle seat in a row. FAIL. and there were 7, yes 7 infants on the plane including newborn twins. shoot me now. i know what you might be thinking - "have some compassion for their parents!" no. i will not. get in your car and drive. if they can kick an obese person off of a plane for taking up too much room then i think they should kick off the babies for driving me crazy. oh and sidenote: i haven't flown alone in a few years. totally forgot how hard it is to not have someone talk me through the take offs and landings, especially the landings. i do not handle either well. i think i scared the guy next to me on the first flight. serves him right for taking my armrest.

faith:
i didn't go into this trip thinking i would learn anything about my faith, be challenged about my faith, or to be completely honest, even really discuss faith. i think it was a mixture of being in SLC where i think there is an inclination to discuss religion anyway and the fact that a few of the people i spent the weekend with seem to be going through a bit of a faith revival. friday night, we talked about faith 2 or 3 different times. saturday, it came up more than once. including a conversation i had with jonathan's friend jessica. {sidenote: his friends jake and jess are a couple that live 2 doors down that i wish lived in cincinnati because i would so be their friend. and his friend ben. they are dope. that is all.} she was telling me about the way her faith has changed recently. we were talking about easter and the cross and standing in jonathan's kitchen surrounded by a bunch of people laughing and carrying on, she started to cry. it was so honest. it actually convicted me. my faith has not been the most important thing in a long time {honesty talk}. but i told jon the next morning that if i could talk about the cross without crying or feeling those emotions, that something was seriously wrong. holy week is always a tough one for me. but similar to this year, there have been years before where i had drifted "away" and this easter time brought me back. it's what my faith is based on, it makes sense that it would. i woke up sunday morning and i had a song in my head. "if ever i loved thee, my Jesus tis now" and i knew that morning i had a sensitive spirit. we went to jonathan's church and they sang songs about the cross. the verse in 'how great thou art' started about Jesus' death on the cross and my eyes immediately filled up. i love it. when the writer thought about God giving Jesus to die on the cross, he said he "scarce could take it in". i get that. it's overwhelming. on my drive back to cincinnati from indy tonight, i was singing another song about the cross. in a verse where God is talking to Jesus on the cross he says "...but soon i will clothe you in robes of my own. Jesus, this hurts me much more than you know..." and i started crying. it's incredible to me the way that God works. and for me, i went across the country for vacation and got a wake up call i needed from people that were just sharing with me what was going on in their lives. if you didn't know, i serve an incredible God.

bacon wrapped meatloaf:
i kind of fell in love with salt lake city...and it's food. i had been there once before and done the touristy things. they were great and all but this time i just wanted to hang out with jonathan. friday night we went to dinner {i had a black bean and goat cheese quesadilla. mmm} and then out with his friends. it was a good time. i knew i would wake up earlier than him saturday so i planned to go for a jog. well. i was gone for 2.5 hours. i decided to run to temple square. then i decided to run to jamba juice which was way further than i thought {but totally worth it}. i explored downtown a bit. i could feel the blisters starting and i hadn't even started back to his house yet so i walked a lot of the way home. according to my iphone odometer, i did almost 7 miles. it was beautiful. a cool morning with crazy beautiful mountains and an awesome downtown district. i could move there. we went to lunch at a little cafe that was very good and took home tiramisu for later {yum!} i took an almost 3 hour nap {if you know me, this is rare} and then we went to dinner with jake and jess. we had a vegetarian lasagna pizza at a local pizza place that was delish! we went back to jonathan's and lots of people came over. sunday we went to church and then to brunch with some of his friends. {mimosas and bloody marys, thank you very much} then we had the most perfect sunday afternoon sitting in backyard chairs while the boys threw a frisbee.

this is when the magic happened.

we didn't know where to go to dinner. they threw around some ideas and finally picked a place that no one had eaten dinner at before. turns out it was southern cuisine. and i have to admit now that the best southern food i've ever eaten was in downtown salt lake city. it's true. i had blackened catfish with yummy hush puppies, everyone else had crazy good food but i'm pretty sure his friend ben won the prize. now, i didn't try it because i don't eat beef or pork but apparently it was a gift directly from God. yes, it was bacon wrapped meatloaf with country gravy on top. with killer mashed potatoes and DELISH mac and cheese {i did try that}. then we took home peach cobbler, apple brown betty, and banana pudding. and gained 6.7 pounds each. totally worth it.

so that was my weekend. i ate a lot. but that's what vacations are for, right? i got to spend time with one of my favorite humans and meet the people that mean the most to him and totally understand why they do. i got to see landscape that i'm not used to and it was breathtaking. i got to learn about myself unexpectedly. i got to travel which i love. i got to relax. all in all, it was a fantastic weekend.

i consider myself very fortunate. this morning i felt the same way that i used to feel when i would leave college to go home or vice versa. sad to leave, happy to go. i love my life here. but i could see myself in a town like salt lake.

who knows, i'm only 25. maybe i'll never leave cincinnati or maybe i'll live in 12 places in the next 15 years. but for now, i'll just go to bed.

xx

paul simon > art garfunkel

it asked me to title this something and i had nothing so i went with a random thought inside my head. art garfunkel should be thanking his lucky stars for paul simon and his crazy song writing ability. i don't even know if art is alive though so if he isn't...i apologize for being insensitive. but still. paul simon. love.

it is 9:41pm on thursday. i leave to go out of town at 9am. i haven't packed a thing. i haven't done the 20 things on my professional 'get done before you go' list. i still need to run an errand tonight. but i'm sitting here blogging because there's nothing i love more than unpreparedness. 

i really really do need to pack. but i just wanted to take a minute to tell you a story.

i've always been mouthy. i say what i want, when i want, to whom i want. i think it's one of my most endearing qualities. :)

2 years ago, right around this time, i said some things to someone. some pretty mean things. totally out of anger. i could tell you that since they were out of anger, i didn't mean them at all but that's not really true. i meant a little of it but since i was mad, i was ugly.

one of the things that i said to this person, or more accurately, about this person was that he had "virtually nothing going for him." out of all the things i said, i instantly felt bad for saying that. the thought of someone saying that about me makes me feel pretty low. it was an unfair statement & an inaccurate one.

i didn't see him for a few weeks after that. then one saturday, i saw him by chance and i got to apologize for what i said. he apologized for some things too.

awesome story huh?

well 8 days later, he died.

unexpectedly. 27 years old. died.

and i promise you - after the initial shock, all i could think about for weeks was what i said. there are few things in this world that i am more grateful for than the opportunity i had to apologize. now i know he doesn't care. he's free from the cares of this world, including what a punk girl like me said. but i care. and i carry the weight of that. the weight of my words. frankly, it was a nasty thing to say and it is something i am still ashamed of.

i still fail miserably at this but it really has made me watch my words. watch to make sure the hateful ones are limited and the loving ones plentiful. whether someone is 27 or 97, the chance of never seeing them again is higher than i'd like so i try to make sure they know i love them. and even when i'm angry, i try to not be spiteful. i don't ever want to feel that way again. knowing that without running into him on that saturday, that the last things i said about/to him were hateful. not a good feeling.

our mouths have more power than we'd like to admit. we can use that power to build up or to tear down.

consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark...

insert cliche 'never give up' quote {struggling}

like i said when i first started this blog, it would be a mixture of things - personal and professional.

well today's personal.

if you've been following me at all on facebook (and most of you have, that's how you're reading this), you know about the nearly 15 month long journey i've been on. on the day this weight loss journey hit 1 year, i told you i had lost 114 pounds. 2.5 months later, i've lost 133.

which means i averaged 9.5 pounds the first 12 months and 7.6 a month since.

i know what you're thinking - 7.6 pounds a month is still really good.

and i know i should be happy and i know i should be proud but i'm just really struggling today. mainly because i can only blame my metabolism so much. i feel like i'm more likely to waver from my self-set meal and exercise plans these days where i would rarely have before.

that frustrates me.

it shows complacency and apathy - two things that that rachel from the past was sinking in.

maybe it's just a bad day.
maybe i feel guilty because i don't want to tell you what i just ate for dinner.
maybe it's a plateau.

but i feel like it's in my hands. and i'm dropping the ball.

i will never look at 133 pounds lost and feel like a failure. it's pretty much impossible. but right now, i feel like i'm failing at my ultimate goal - victory over the self-inflicting habits i hid behind for so long.

i'm not in a rush -i've said that before. i would rather lose pounds that don't creep back than ones easy to regain which is why i have never done a fad diet, eliminated a food group altogether, or went about this unnaturally during the process.

i think i'm struggling because this hasn't been a bad day. it's been a bad 2 weeks. 2 weeks of not pushing myself like i should physically (it's like i ran 2 races and all of a sudden, i think i've succeeded and can quit) and not disciplining myself in the kitchen like before. and work has been stressful. isn't that everyone's excuse? :)

just last night, i realized that within walking distance of the apartment i'm moving to in June are 3 of my favorite restaurants. and i actually got scared. who gets scared of food? this girl. cause i'm learning that while for the most part, i did truly leave behind that girl, she still creeps up.

so forgive me if this sounds whiny. i'm not whining, i'm not even complaining. i'm just angry at myself and need a swift kick in the pants. because if anything, i've learned this year that i can do anything. i really can. so i don't have a fear of not completing this journey - i will lose the weight, i will get down to that goal. i just want to make sure that girl is gone.

and today, she's like a very unwelcome houseguest.

oh and by the way, it was pizza. and i already regret it.

mama mia papa pia buy two and the third is free-a {cooking}

that episode of saved by the bell always made me laugh. they were selling screech's grandma's spaghetti sauce. spaghetti is such a comfort food. it's good with a red sauce, a white sauce, butter and parmesan, chili, CINCINNATI chili (duh)...etc.

so you buy wheat spaghetti instead of the other stuff (otherwise known as enriched bleached flour sticks) - that's awesome.

let's do better.

these are the ingredients you'll need: a spaghetti squash, francesco rinaldi no sugar added pasta sauce, a green pepper, roma tomato, some onion and garlic.

I LOVE SPAGHETTI SQUASH.

like i'm obsessed. i make it with all of the sauces mentioned above.

here's how you make it.

1. preheat the oven to 350.

2. put holes all over it so it doesn't explode while it cooks. the holes need to be big enough to actually see through but not too big. i racked my brain the first time i made it and finally decided to use this.

yes, that's my mixer guy. it's perfect.

punch holes sporadically (clueless reference, duh). bake it for 1 hour at 350 degrees.

while it's cooking chop up the tomato and how ever much green pepper you want.

add onion and garlic. (again, your preference of how much.)

i love this sauce. no sugar added and natural ingredients. only problem is this - we've accustomed our taste palettes to what sauce should take like. and that's because most have tons of sugar in them. this tastes okay but not great. hence adding the vegetables. i love chunky sauce anyway but throwing in some tomato, pepper, onion & (especially) garlic is the best way to add flavor without adding stuff you don't need/want.

so add the veggies to the sauce, stir & heat it on the stove.

when an hour has passed, remove the squash carefully and let it sit for 15-20 minutes.

it will still be very hot and i recommend still using oven mitts while handling it.

cut it down the center.

and scoop out the 'gunk' just like you would a pumpkin.

then take a fork and just scrape and the 'spaghetti' will loosen.

keep scraping. you can get so much out of it before getting close to the outside.

see. looks just like spaghetti. and it takes on the taste of whatever you serve it with.

final project. you can even sprinkle some parmesan on it if you'd like.

it's delish. it's healthy. per cup of it you're only eating about 40 calories, no fat, and are getting 3 grams of fiber. you're also saving about 37 carbohydrates if you choose it over enriched spaghetti.

so with this recipe, you're looking at roughly 100 calories, 2 grams of fat and an abundance of fiber from all of the vegetables. not bad eh? and it's delicious.

let the chips fall where they may {cooking}

i love chips.

potato chips, tortilla chips, pita chips, bagel chips, doritos (cause they're in a category of their own that could also be called 'freaking delicious'). i love them.

so i stopped eating normal chips awhile ago and now eat popchips, baked tortilla chips, and whole grain pita chips. good, right?

let's do even better.

first, i will never be able to top popchips so i won't even try. but the other two, i've found a way to make even healthier and consequently more affordable. and best of all, really easy.

homemade pita chips:

this is the pita that i buy - kind of. of all days for whole foods to be out of the whole wheat version, it was today when i was going to make these for you. but these are still good for you. i'll give you the nutrition info when we're done. you'll see.

get out your cookie sheets. you'll be able to fit 2 pitas on each sheet.

i put them different ways so that i can separate them easily after their cooked and i can know the exact nutrition in each serving. (and to keep it portion controlled, duh.)

DO NOT BRUSH THEM WITH OIL OR SALT THEM. 

completely unnecessary. this is where you're benefiting from making them yourself. much less sodium, less fats (even though they can be good fats, sometimes they're not) and less preservatives.

cook them at 350 degrees for 10 minutes if you like them toasted (soft in the middle still) or 15 minutes if you want them more 'chip'-like. you could even do longer if you want them reallllly crunchy.

let them stay on the sheets for 1-2 minutes and then transfer them to a plate to cool. keep the servings separated! let them cool completely before you put them in plastic bags or containers. i learned the hard way - moisture will make them go bad if they're not completely cooled first.

reasons i love these: no oil, no salt. 

here's the stats: first, there are 200 calories in a serving. i know what you're thinking - "my pita chips only have like 130 calories! fail, rachel."

oh young grasshopper, let me show you the error of your thinking. each of these servings of pita chips has 6 grams of fiber and 7 grams of fiber. check that against your bagged chips. TOTALLY worth the extra 70 calories.

i've found my favorite (non-homemade) hummus. 

you can also find this at whole foods. it's my favorite. NO OIL!

now, i'm not anti olive oil or fats. i know where healthy fats can be found and i incorporate them into my diet daily. however, i don't like putting things in where they're not necessary. this hummus is perfect without oil. it's also completely natural with no preservatives.

you can have 6 tbsp of this and a serving of the chips for lunch for 284 calories and make out like a bandit with 9 grams of fiber and 10 grams of protein.

are you sold yet?

homemade tortilla chips:

the exact same process. 350 degrees for 15-19 minutes. NO OIL OR SALT.

i love these. not completely natural/organic but nothing in it that makes me sad. you can find them at kroger. they are also realllllly delish with turkey tacos.

i also make sure i separate these too for portion control.

let these cool completely too. 

i'll be honest. they're not near as delish to eat alone as the pita chips are. but for me, not wanting to munch on tortilla chips senselessly is appealing. :) it was a vice. besides, salsa has SO much flavor, the chip is just a way to not look crazy eating it with a spoon.

the facts:

one serving has 71 calories (that's IT!), 8 grams of protein and (GET THIS!) 12 grams of fiber. 

if you're not sold yet, i have no hope for you.

like i've said before, it's not just about changing the kind of foods you want to eat, it's about making the ones you do want even better for you.

actual reality. act up. fight aids. {give}

anyone who knows me well knows that aids research & prevention along with the hope of a cure is incredibly important to me. i've always told people that i wasn't exactly sure why it's on my heart the way it is. often times, a person who has perhaps lost a mother to breast cancer will walk, donate, and bring awareness to breast cancer. my father battles heart disease and i'm running in the mini-heart here in cincinnati this month in his honor. when something directly affects us, we care enough about it to try to stop it.

i don't know anyone with aids.

but for some reason, i think about them all the time - those here in america & around the world who are suffering from aquired immune deficiency syndrome. my heart breaks for them. i've often called it the underdog disease. it doesn't get as much 'publicity', if you will, than say, cancer. i've never heard someone question the moral decisions of a man with brain cancer. aids is much different. the media has told us what they want us to think about aids and it's sufferers.

they're wrong.

you can learn more about aids here and i urge you to do so.

here's what i'm really writing to tell you about - the little ways we can help. regardless of the disease or cause close to our heart, not all of us have the funds to donate to research facilities, the time to serve the patients, or the abilities to walk or run or march on their behalf.

to all of my winos out there, i found a way we can help.

it's called OneHope Wine

i found them thanks to Groupon. 45 dollars for 100 dollars worth of wine sounded great to me! then i read that partial proceeds went to charity. even better. THEN i read that their merlot (my favorite) went to the fight against aids.

done and done.

now i realize that purchasing one bottle and paying for the shipping might not be as practical as going to the grocery store. but maybe around christmas time when you're giving gifts, or maybe just to stock up every once in awhile, you would consider purchasing your wine here. they have 4 reds and 2 whites and each wine benefits a different cause. the causes represented are aids, autism, the planet, breast cancer, the troops, and children's hospitals. in addition to that, a portion of the proceeds that is donated is donated to another cause of your choice.

out of my 45 dollars, 12 dollars went to the fight against aids and 8 dollars went to keep a child alive, which provides treatment for the youth in africa affected by aids.

and all i had to do was buy some wine.