i get by with a little help from my {friends}

i just got done vacuuming the apartment and as i was putting the vacuum up, i thought "really rachel? even your vacuum is yellow?" everything that i can get in yellow - i do.

this weekend was yellow. why? my friends.

i got to spend quality time with my mom {who is definitely my friend}. i got to go to a concert where my friend was performing and listen to him with my two best friends in the world and their husbands. i got to see sheila {who started as an acquaintance, grew to a business partner of some sort and has graduated to being the savior of my sanity. most definitely a great friend.} i got to hang out saturday afternoon with my sister's best friend libby. last night, i sat by the pool, went to dinner and then went dancing with 4 of my best friends. i woke up today to them still in my house :) and then 2 of my lifelong best friends came over this afternoon.

lots of friends.

i'm a lucky girl. friends to laugh with, friends that pay at happy hour {thanks paul!}, friends that really don't mean to make you cry but hug you when you do {uhhh, thanks paul!}, friends that come over and sit on the couch and stalk facebook with you, friends that don't get mad at you for being dramatic and throwing a ripped up receipt at them, friends that know you don't like hugs but do it anyway when you need one, friends that make you laugh so hard you can't breathe, friends that don't mind sharing a bed with you, another friend, and a dog, friends that.....i could keep going.

like i said, i'm a lucky girl. and can i just pause to say that i realize i mentioned at least 6 best friends above? i have even more. i know that typically 'best' can only be rewarded to one but in terms of friendship, i don't compare my friends to decide which one is best. if you're honest and loving and helpful and supportive and trustworthy and hilarious - you're the best kind of friend so you're my best friend. easy as that.

i haven't always been the best friend. i have moments when i'm not honest, i'm not supportive or helpful. {i'm always hilarious though.} and what makes my friends the best is that they forgive me for it. i need to add that to the list. forgiving. the best quality of all.

they make my life yellow. and in times when things are so dark, they bring me back to who i am. there's a proverb that says 'laughter is to the soul what soap is to the body.' i love that. i also love the fun fact that you can burn like a bajillion calories laughing and while i haven't seen that work yet, i'm still trying to make it.

i focus so often on what i do not have when what i have is immeasurable. i have so much to be grateful for including the people in my life that pick me up when i'm down, laugh at my terrible jokes & won't judge me for wearing the same dress for 36 hours {oops}.

life is so yellow.

oh and by the way, my bright yellow vacuum cleaner is AWESOME. duh.

xx

i'm just kidding {laughs}

i feel like i've been lying to you guys. you wouldn't be able to tell by reading this blog but i'm actually a very light-hearted, funny person. the funny part could be debatable but i think i'm hilarious and so does at least one other person so i'm claiming it.

all of these blog posts are so serious {and rightfully so. life has been beating me up lately.} but i actually spend most of my days laughing hysterically. either at the kids, my friends, or youtube videos that i watch instead of working/sleeping/eating/breathing, etc.

first thing that made me laugh this week:

hi-larious. and i try not to, but man, i just love katy perry. and this song.

second thing that made me laugh this week:

i went to KI last night with joy {my best friend since i was 3 for those of you who don't properly stalk my facebook}. on the way, i told her about going to peru {more about that soon}. she asked if that was in india.

sigh.

on the way home from KI, she said something about me "going all commando and shooting someone." she may have been referring to the arnold movie but i thought she meant something else which caused about 5 minutes of straight laughter. apparently, i can't wear underwear to kill someone. good to know. for future reference, ya know.

third and final thing that made me laugh this week {or at least made the blog list}:

kennedy had been sleeping in the closet for a few weeks which made me sad. i like when he sleeps in the bed with me. he stayed at my parents' while i was out of town last week and ever since he's been in the bed the whole night every night. luckily, the bed is plenty big enough for both of us. apparently last night he decided it wasn't. i woke up at least 5 times to him either sleeping on my stomach, on my face, behind my back on his stomach {which wasn't fun for either of us when i tried to roll over} and at one point, he was on his back between my knees. then it happened. it was 4:28 {i picked up my phone to look so that i could properly document this}. my 21 pound poodle pushed me off the bed. i woke up when i hit the floor. i looked up and he was laying where i had been snoring. bless his heart.

speaking of funny things, did you know God has a sense of humor? He totally does. too many good things are coming from bad decisions. that's what is so good about this life. even when our actions are less than admirable, good can come from it. things can happen that i don't plan. and when they do, i have to admit he's got a funny side. cause like most of my friends have read on texts i've sent them - "i couldn't make this stuff up if i tried."

i hope i never stop saying that.
cause all the funny things help make this life yellow.

ah, wanted to end this blog with that but gus just said "rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel....wipe my butt please."


yellow. <3

now and later {learning}

{there are times it hurts to learn. and there are times it is incredibly exciting. i've experienced both lately.}

i have several boxes of keepsakes. love notes from high school, ticket stubs to concerts, cards from my parents...you know the stuff. in one of my boxes is one single now and later. you know, the candy. i think it's watermelon. and 12 years later, it's hard as a rock. but it's still there.

i got that now and later from a friend {at the time she was my youth pastor's wife. now she's my pastor's wife} as a reminder that the decisions i make now will affect me later. i'm sure when i was 14 years old that she was trying to inspire me not to drink or have sex or any of the other things teenage girls will no doubt regret when they're older. but when i found that now and later the other day, i wasn't thinking of the consequences later of the decisions now, but the benefits.

i have worked jobs, had relationships, made choices, went through uncomfortable times, etc that maybe were fun, maybe weren't. maybe i worked there to make me appreciate the next job. maybe i went through that to make me stronger for this.

i know that i work a million hours a week now so that i can be successful and work less later.
i know that he was in my life now to show me the kind of love that i want later.
i know that i have to pay for this now to make more later.
i know that i have to continue my life change now so that i'm healthy later.
i know that i am in this not-so-fun self-learning time now so that i can be who i'm supposed to be later.

it is easy to see the downside of the now and later analogy. that if you mess this up now, you'll pay for it later. if you don't try this, you'll regret it later. those are much more obvious results. but thinking about the benefits - it's exciting. it's challenging and inspiring to think of the good that will come from what i do now. i don't want to live in fear of what will happen if i do this, if i don't do that. i want to live expecting good to come and make decisions that will bring good about. i am so encouraged today by the promise of what's to come.

keeping with that thought, can i pause for a second to tell you what i'm most grateful for today? that time and time again, i am spared from the imminent destruction of my own plans. i can't tell you how many times things have not gone my way. thank God for that. not that it doesn't hurt when they don't - it does. not that it doesn't take time for me to come to the realization - it definitely does. but without fail, every time i'm able to look back at something not going my way, i am better off for it. his ways are better than mine.

and it is proved to me time and time again, how it is his plan, his will that will make my life the brightest shade of yellow.

love xx

you are my sunshine {love}

two weeks ago was 3 years since i've known my red-heads.

i remember when i met the girls. they hid under their blankets and wouldn't talk to me. i wasn't sure we were going to click. i'm very good with children so i knew that i could get them to warm up, i just didn't know if i would have a connection with them the way i have with other kids i had been with before.

looking back, that just seems ridiculous. they are my joy.

let me start with the adults. all of them are like family to me now. but especially lora, lora, lora. she is me in 30 years. if you've been around us together, you know that this is completely true {and somewhat scary}. just this past friday, we were on a typical rachel/lora adventure with the kids that included a broken down car, stopping traffic for an hour plus, a baby that screamed for...about an hour plus, and a few other things i will not include because believe me, you don't want to know. and we just sat in the front seats of that car and laughed. and laughed. and laughed. so we wouldn't cry. she's my second mom. i can talk to her about anything, she would do anything for me. she gets mad when i'm hurt. she's proud of what i have accomplished. and mainly, she's just about as crazy as i am and we totally deserve each other.

sarah and i are completely different in some ways and creepily similar in others. i was always closer to lora than her {probably because she's normally at work when i'm there. duh. the point of a nanny.}. but when she and the kids suffered their blow, our relationship turned to friendship and i do believe that is one of the blessings that came from the tragedy. now she is one of my best friends. she is also almost as crazy as me and that may be why. :) her friendship means so much to me whether we are eating pizza at reds games or crying on the sofa. she is always there for me and my family whether it's watching hope for jessica, visiting my dad in the hospital, or bringing me 2 dozen roses when i have a broken heart. i am incredibly blessed to know her. she is the strongest person i know.

the twins. oh those girls. if lora is me in 30 years, izzi is me 20 years ago. promise. they are nuts. izzi and i can have a throw down and 2 seconds later, she is telling me i am her favorite person in the world. i actually prefer to spend time with them over most adults. they are the funniest little girls i have ever met. my mom has always said i should keep a book of all of the things izzi says. i could make a million dollars. just two weeks ago when i was laying on the couch, crying my eyes out because of the slipped disc/pinched nerve, maddi was sitting in my nest {when i lay sideways on the couch - the area between my bent knees and the couch - her favorite place} rubbing my leg and telling me it was going to be okay. :) they are my absolute joy. especially during our daily dance parties when they are laughing so hard that they can't breathe. these have been the best 3 years of my life.

and then there's the baby. who really isn't a baby anymore but regardless, i will most likely always call him the baby. i can't really wrap my head around how i can love someone so much who isn't even mine. i am so lucky to have known him every day of his little life, {i would show you our first picture together in the hospital but that was 140 pounds ago and i don't want to scare you.} he is the smartest, bossiest, sweetest little man i know. when he learned how to say my name, i cried. when he first said 'lub you rachel' i cried. when i smashed his little finger in the door {something that he cried about for all of .2 seconds} i cried for about 12 hours until someone finally told me to get a grip. every single day that i've had him, i have sung 'you are my sunshine' to him multiple times but always when i rock him before his nap {and yes, he still lets me}. about a month and a half ago, i started singing "you are..." and he sang "my shunshinnnne" and obviously i burst into tears. :) i am wrapped around his finger, completely in love with his little face, and may or may not fake cry on occasion so i can hear him say, "rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel, rachel........sowwy" cause it's just so cute i can't stand it. when i am broken, he saves me.

so much has happened in the last 3 years, good and bad. but sarah found me for a reason. i called her back for a reason. and i can't begin to explain to you exactly how yellow they have made my life. but i thought i'd try. :)

xx

maybe the hardest thing i've ever written {exposed}

There are very few people in the world that I genuinely do not like. There are people that I wouldn’t want to meet for breakfast. But my mother raised me right and there aren’t many people that I wouldn’t be polite to and have conversation with if I saw them in public. I can really only think of one. I’ll get back to her in a minute.

I was at the library with the girls last week and picked up a book that I recognized. Most likely because at one point, I owned it, was supposed to go through it at a weekly meeting with a group {and I only went once, oops} and then sold it at my yard sale in May. Never read it. Didn’t think I particularly needed to and now I’m pretty sure it was sitting out at the library last Tuesday very, very specifically. A book about insecurity. Hmm. Yes, we are going to talk about that again. Why? Because it’s ruining my life.

I read the first two chapters sitting in the library and did everything in my power not to sob in public {cause that is so my thing lately}. I promise you she was writing that first chapter to me. About me. Because of me. It was a tad demoralizing. I am more insecure than I even knew. And the very day that I decided to read this book, that I decided to tackle the issue that I had just recently discovered even existed, I took a blow that 1. I believe came partially as a result of my insecurity and 2. Is now posing a threat to worsening the condition.

Since I live my life in the public eye thanks to the glory of social networking, let’s just refer to that from here on out as “what happened”. Cause we all know. Got it? Good.

Let me count the ways my insecurity ruined it. Page 25 in the book – “If we let too much ride on a relationship, a blowout is inevitable. The very nature of pressure is to blow.” Guilty. Page 35 – “You see, the trap is not only in placing our security in something that gives us a false positive. It’s also fighting like a mad dog to keep it there.” VERY guilty. The cut that hurt worst? Page 23 – “The insecure person also harbors unrealistic expectations about love and relationships. These expectations, for themselves and others, are often unconscious. The insecure person creates a situation in which being disappointed and hurt in relationships is almost inevitable. Ironically, although insecure people are easily and frequently hurt, they are usually unaware of how they are unwitting accomplices in creating their own misery.”

I have never been more aware.

And to be completely honest {which I can be and tend to always be, to a fault on occasion but that’s another blog}, I am angry. At first, I want to say that I’m angry with everyone and everything that added weight to the baggage that has caused my insecurity. But really – I’m the only one carrying it. So I’m angry with myself. I don’t know about you, but I thought a book about insecurity would try to make me happy with myself. Maybe that’s in a chapter I haven’t gotten to yet. I’m guessing that being angry about this battle was something I had to come to in order to heal.

I did it. I helped ruin it. And like my beautiful friend told me Thursday morning, I can choose now if this will be one more thing to toss on top of my pile of hurts and mistakes that I carried into what happened and continue to carry it all, or I can learn from it. I’m choosing option two.

Which is a struggle. On page 31 – “She is often the last person to come around to the truth, sometimes believing to her dying breath that if she could just do this or control that, she could quell that ache inside of her. She is driven to the ridiculous by her chronic need for affirmation.” I’ve never felt more exposed than when I read that. I’ve actually never felt more exposed than when I read any of this book so far. I can look back at what happened and see not only when I set up the situation to be disappointed {I even said that word which I never want to hear again} but I can see as clear as day when I was ridiculous because I needed to be affirmed. Ridiculous. That had to be exhausting.

Last night, I was at the pool with a dear friend. We were talking about what happened and I started telling him about the insecurity and the role it played. And immediately, he acted like the thought of me being insecure was ridiculous. Because I am this, because I have that. People don’t get it. It has nothing to do with that. That girl I told you about at the very beginning? He compared me to her, said we had a lot in common. And for the first time, I saw her in a different light. Do I want to have breakfast with her? Not at all. But I feel sorry for her. It breaks my heart that she feels what I have been feeling. Insecurity can ruin everything. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, even her.

So that’s where I am. On this journey of loving myself, becoming secure with myself. Not because I may be successful, liked, pretty or loved. But because I am me. And that is enough.

This hasn’t been a great week. But even in the darkest times, my life is pretty yellow.

random {thoughts}

random thoughts in my head today that for some reason i felt like sharing with you:

1. pandora is really great until it plays a song that you really don't want to hear. and then i hate it. no i don't change the song. i just curse pandora the whole time it's playing.
2. when your heart is hurting, just don't listen to any music at all. because i promise every single song that could possibly make your heart hurt worse will play. sometimes 3 different times in the same day.
3. i have learned so much about myself in the last 5 days. a lot of which i do not like.
4. half the battle. now i get to to change it.
5. i will forever have sympathy for people that have disc/nerve problems. after the pain i've been in for the last 9 days, i can't imagine people that live with this chronically. it's awful.
6. i need some yellow in my life. fast.
7. i miss gus every day that i'm not around him. that baby/little boy/man child is so special.
8. you cannot intentionally hurt someone you love. it's impossible. you don't hurt them on purpose or you don't love them. bottom line.
9. someone just had this on their fb status and i had to steal it: if your presence doesn't matter, your absence won't. #truth
10. i am overwhelmed every day with everything i have to do.
11. my dad just called. i miss living with my parents. i miss living with anyone.
12. i am so incredibly lonely and it is ruining pretty much every part of my life. this would the first thing on my "fix" list.
13. starting with KI with joy tomorrow night for a few hours. she knows me better than i know myself and i am incredibly grateful for her friendship.
14. i really really hate olives. tried to love one yesterday. hated it.
15. i have to go shoot in this weather. FAIL. okay that means i have to wrap this up.
16. i'm not as strong as i thought i was.
17. i'm not as hard hearted as i thought i was either.
18. i don't love 16. but i think 17 is a good thing.
19. i have more than most people do and i welcome that reminder. keeps me seeing this life in perspective.
20. i am a good person. i need that reminder.
21. maggie is the best thing ever. maybe because she's my left lung.
22. in the end, everything will be okay. if it's not okay, it's not the end.
23. uh, the end.

xx

that's just the way it is {perspective}

i have been a blogging machine. this has very much to do with the fact that kennedy doesn't talk back and the apartment gets lonely sometimes. so if you're one of those people that are interested in my ramblings, here's a blog for you. OR you could come over. i'll make you dinner.

perspective is a huge thing for me today. it's amazing how you can change your mind about your situation by looking at it a different way.

here are some things going on this week:
1. i have been struggling with my insecurity (like i told you the other day) like crazy.
2. i got the most beautiful vase of flowers from alex last night.
3. i'm having a hard time trying to adjust to the loneliness of this apartment.
4. a guy i met when i visited utah had a brain tumor removed and i just found out it's stage 4 and there is little hope.
5. gus told me he loved me 49208502 times today.
6. i cried, okay sobbed, in public last night for an hour.
7. i spent 7 hours with 2 of my best friends on saturday and laughed harder than i have in months.
8. i bought a new dress and it doesn't fit.
9. i missed a deadline.
10. my kitchen needs cleaned so bad and i have absolutely no desire to clean it.
11. i went swimming with some friends sunday night and got to relax. it was awesome.
12. i am being stretched a little thin and something's gotta give.
13. i haven't been to the gym all week and i feel awful.
14. i fell a little more in love last night.

it's really hard for me to think 1, 3, 6, 8, 9, 10, 12 or 13 matter when i think about number 4.

i remember when i grew up. it was my senior year of high school. in november, my childhood friend died in a car accident. in april, my sister's friend died of cancer 3 weeks after they found out she had it. nothing quite makes you grow up more than realizing that being young doesn't spare you from heartache, disease, or even death. i remember october 1, 2005. the bw3's near campus had just opened and i went there that night and saw kevin working. i hadn't seen him in a few weeks and i got to talk to him for a few minutes. he was one of those people that everyone felt like they knew. i remember getting ready on october 2, 2005 and bridgett calling me around 8am. kevin was dead. 8 hours after i saw him he was just gone. i remember sitting in my aunt's living room two mays ago and my dad coming in and telling us that david was gone. just like that. 27 years old. gone.

life just isn't fair.

and hearing and knowing about other people hurting and struggling and losing makes me feel dumb that my biggest problems are that a dress doesn't fit or my kitchen is dirty. but there's something about hearing and knowing all of those stories that make saturdays with my best friends, being told that you're loved by a 1 year old, and falling in love even sweeter.

perspective.

so tonight i will sit at this desk and work without complaining. i will send prayers and thoughts to utah. i will forget about my deadlines and the gym. and i'll change the water in my flowers because tonight, they're enough to make everything okay.