insecurity is the thorn in my side.
i would assume that most of the people that know me would be surprised to find out it's my biggest struggle. i think i come across as confident. but then again, the people that seem happiest are often the broken ones. we all do a fairly decent job of pretending. {i tried to find a better word for pretending there since it has a negative connotation. i don't think it's altogether negative.} there is a time for vulnerability. and this is mine.
i am extremely happy. 99.9% of my day is pretty carefree. i've never been much of a worrier. life is good. which is why i'm sure it seems extremely odd that i can go from 'life is good' to 'ow. my heart' in .5 seconds. and the sad, sad fact of that is it truly can take very little to do that.
there's an alanis morissette song that i love {okay, i love every single alanis morisette song}. a few different lines from it: "one forgotten phone call and i'm deflated", "one small sideways look and i feel so ungood", "your hand pulling away and i'm devastated." {insecurity at it's best.}
realizing you have a problem is half the battle right? okay, well here's me admitting my problem: the way i feel about myself relies much too heavily on other people. ugh. it really comes down to me accepting me and that's a long and hard road to go down. i'm the only one who knows absolutely everything about me. i know every single thing i've done and i know every single emotion i've felt and if i could convey that, describe that to you then maybe you could understand my insecurity.
there are so many ways to feel insecure. as a woman, the first thing you think of is beauty & physical insecurities. i think people would assume after changing my appearance for the better over the last year and half that i would have a whole new sense of confidence. false. i have less. i question how i look 100 times more now than i did before. i question intentions of people getting close to me 100 times more than i did before. this is most definitely part of my insecurity. in my job - i think i'm pretty good at it until someone questions that and then i seriously and legitimately consider quitting. just like that. there are people i do a lot for that i truly believe appreciate me until they do something that makes me think they don't and then i seriously and legitimately question my worth to them and in general.
good night, that paragraph sounded so damaged. i'm not. like i said before, i am happy. i'm just finding my way through this struggle. and i do that by reminding myself that this isn't about everyone else, it's about me. at the end of the day, i have to know that i can stand on my own two feet confidently without the approval or love or affirmation of anyone. anyone. not my friends, not my parents, not my clients, not my boyfriend. do i want their approval, their love, their affirmation? more than anything. but i need to know that i'd be okay as me without any of it.
that's another line in the alanis song - "these little rejections, how the disappear quickly the moment i decide not to abandon me." i'm the only one who knows every single thing about me and i'm the only one who is always here. every single person will fail me at some point. i am very positive that i have failed everyone i love at least a thousand times. it happens. i've been let down, i've been left. and i have to find some way to not let that break me. even though it's not ideal, it's not what i want or what i expect, i have to get to the point where i would be okay if it was just me. if i lost everything and if everyone walked away from me.
there's a message by td jakes that i read, quote, share all of the time. just the other day i shared it with a friend that i thought needed the reminding. and then when i was reading it, i realized it was me who needed it today.
"There are people who can walk away from you and hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left..."
i have absolutely no idea what will happen in my life. where i will be, who will be there, what i'll be doing. the only person that i know will be constantly present is me. i can hope for other people to continue to love me and i hope they do. but i have to find a way to believe that i am all of the things that they love about me. i have to believe that i'm as beautiful as he says that i am. i have to believe that i'm as good at my job as my clients tell me i am. i have to believe that i am as {fill in the blank} that {fill in the blank} thinks i am.
because if i don't believe it and they stop saying it, i'm that broken girl that i was a year and a half ago. the one who i would like to pretend is gone but is still here evidently writing this blog.
i am happy. very, very happy. i know that i have people that love me and that alone helps me go to bed every night feeling okay. i just need to get to the point where i could sleep well even if they didn't. and i'm on my way...
xx
Monday, July 11, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
it's not always rainbows and butterflies {venting}
i'm a predominantly positive person. or at least, i blog that way so you think that i am. my blog is about health and creativity and love. well today - it's about venting. that's the beauty of blogging. i can passive-aggressively call people out and go on with my day. thank God for technology.
1. dear neighbor, you live in an apartment building. that allows dogs. that is also situated almost directly across the street from a dog daycare and kennel. and your apartment is seriously one of the closest ones to this. if you do not like dogs, you can move. ugh. now that kennedy has adjusted to the new place, he barks maybe a time or two a day - when someone comes into the apartment, etc. and the neighbor is apparently keeping a list and filling me in on every instance when he runs into me outside my apartment door. perhaps i should keep a list of every time i smell smoke in my apartment but i'm super environmentally friendly and that amount of paper would be ludicrous. {sidenote: i just spelled that ludacris and it corrected it for me. LUDA!}
2. it's really cute when people pretend to know how to do my job and criticize how i do it. i think if you knew exactly what went into what i do {which includes working from about 7-6 every day then coming home to work again til about midnight...every day} you would shut your mouth. i love my job. is my situation ideal right now? no. which is why i'm working so hard to change it. no one else is forcing me to work really long days every day of the week. i am. because i'm trying to be better, i'm trying to get to the point where i don't have to work that much. so if what i'm doing is not good enough for you, then it will never be. but since i know it's my absolute {best}, it's good enough for me and i sleep well at night. i am no longer concerned by what you think of the job i'm doing. i finally realized that there is a reason people hire me. i'm good at what i do. and that's reason enough to ignore your opinion.
3. the casey anthony saga is awful. i followed the case and i get why they couldn't convict her even though everyone knows she did it/had something to do with it. it irritates me that with even less evidence {circumstantial at that}, ryan widmer has been convicted twice. the guy didn't kill his wife. and as much as thinking about a woman killing her child and going free sickens me, a man not killing his wife and serving a sentence in prison for it just makes me sad. and thinking about little caylee anthony makes me think about marcus fiesel. the public gets outraged when someone kills a child but sadly, they get over it. because there's always another one. there's always another tragedy, there's always another monster. sad. times.
4. i don't put too much stock into what people say about me. if you do, you live controlled and worried about what they'll say next. sometimes what they say is true, most times it isn't. there seems to be a trend among people that talk trash. they're liars. but as much as i don't think one opinion makes you, there has to be something said when everyone feels/thinks a certain way. example: if one person thinks you're a jerk, maybe you are/maybe you aren't. if 99.9% of the people that know you think you're a jerk, um, you're a jerk. you're not being portrayed badly, interpreted wrongly, misrepresented, or misunderstood. you're who they say you are. when everyone has the same experience with you and comes out of it with the same conclusion, arguing with their findings just makes you look even stupider. be an adult. take responsibility for your actions. if you don't like what one person says about you, get over it. if you don't like what {everyone} is saying about you, quit giving them a reason to say it.
just a few more complaints:
5. why was there one checkout lane open at walmart last night? i waited in line for 35 minutes. THIRTY FIVE MINUTES.
6. i'm pretty sure a pit bull running around loose in my neighborhood breaks a few rules but no one will do anything about it. i dare that pit bull to do anything to my poodle. you know what they say - the only difference between an angry woman and a pit bull is lipstick. and i will knock on the door of the 3 college-aged, steroid-pumping tools that own him and throw down. if you doubt that, we've clearly never met.
well. i think that's it. i feel much better. now i will return to the typical style blog you love to read on here:
it's a beautiful day. the sun is shining. i feel good. i love my boyfriend. i get to see my friends today.
life= good.
xx
1. dear neighbor, you live in an apartment building. that allows dogs. that is also situated almost directly across the street from a dog daycare and kennel. and your apartment is seriously one of the closest ones to this. if you do not like dogs, you can move. ugh. now that kennedy has adjusted to the new place, he barks maybe a time or two a day - when someone comes into the apartment, etc. and the neighbor is apparently keeping a list and filling me in on every instance when he runs into me outside my apartment door. perhaps i should keep a list of every time i smell smoke in my apartment but i'm super environmentally friendly and that amount of paper would be ludicrous. {sidenote: i just spelled that ludacris and it corrected it for me. LUDA!}
2. it's really cute when people pretend to know how to do my job and criticize how i do it. i think if you knew exactly what went into what i do {which includes working from about 7-6 every day then coming home to work again til about midnight...every day} you would shut your mouth. i love my job. is my situation ideal right now? no. which is why i'm working so hard to change it. no one else is forcing me to work really long days every day of the week. i am. because i'm trying to be better, i'm trying to get to the point where i don't have to work that much. so if what i'm doing is not good enough for you, then it will never be. but since i know it's my absolute {best}, it's good enough for me and i sleep well at night. i am no longer concerned by what you think of the job i'm doing. i finally realized that there is a reason people hire me. i'm good at what i do. and that's reason enough to ignore your opinion.
3. the casey anthony saga is awful. i followed the case and i get why they couldn't convict her even though everyone knows she did it/had something to do with it. it irritates me that with even less evidence {circumstantial at that}, ryan widmer has been convicted twice. the guy didn't kill his wife. and as much as thinking about a woman killing her child and going free sickens me, a man not killing his wife and serving a sentence in prison for it just makes me sad. and thinking about little caylee anthony makes me think about marcus fiesel. the public gets outraged when someone kills a child but sadly, they get over it. because there's always another one. there's always another tragedy, there's always another monster. sad. times.
4. i don't put too much stock into what people say about me. if you do, you live controlled and worried about what they'll say next. sometimes what they say is true, most times it isn't. there seems to be a trend among people that talk trash. they're liars. but as much as i don't think one opinion makes you, there has to be something said when everyone feels/thinks a certain way. example: if one person thinks you're a jerk, maybe you are/maybe you aren't. if 99.9% of the people that know you think you're a jerk, um, you're a jerk. you're not being portrayed badly, interpreted wrongly, misrepresented, or misunderstood. you're who they say you are. when everyone has the same experience with you and comes out of it with the same conclusion, arguing with their findings just makes you look even stupider. be an adult. take responsibility for your actions. if you don't like what one person says about you, get over it. if you don't like what {everyone} is saying about you, quit giving them a reason to say it.
just a few more complaints:
5. why was there one checkout lane open at walmart last night? i waited in line for 35 minutes. THIRTY FIVE MINUTES.
6. i'm pretty sure a pit bull running around loose in my neighborhood breaks a few rules but no one will do anything about it. i dare that pit bull to do anything to my poodle. you know what they say - the only difference between an angry woman and a pit bull is lipstick. and i will knock on the door of the 3 college-aged, steroid-pumping tools that own him and throw down. if you doubt that, we've clearly never met.
well. i think that's it. i feel much better. now i will return to the typical style blog you love to read on here:
it's a beautiful day. the sun is shining. i feel good. i love my boyfriend. i get to see my friends today.
life= good.
xx
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
and it was all yellow {rambling}
i haven't blogged since the beginning of may. probably because wedding season is in full effect and i have very little free time. and that very little free time is being spent with the most beautiful boy i've ever seen.
anyone that knows me knows that yellow is my favorite color. everything i have that can be yellow is. it might sound hokey but yellow legitimately puts me in a good mood. i opened my cabinets to get my breakfast this morning and laughed at the yellow plates, yellow bowls and yellow cups. my brother just bought me a kitchenaid standing mixer and it is the most yellow thing i've ever seen. and i love it.
i love yellow.
and right now, life is pretty yellow.
i turned 26 last week. i know that to some of you, that is not old at all. and i know that one day i'll look back and realize just how young i was at 26 but i still feel 19. so 26 is old. i celebrated my birthday with my friends, my love, and my family.
first stop: friends. louisville, ky. JOY missed her exit so we drove to lexington to get to louisvile (oy vey) but once we got there, it was a great time. lots of dancing, lots of food, lots of laughing. and anytime something didn't go my way, all i had to say was "but it's my BIRTHDAY!" have i mentioned i love my birthday?
next stop: boyfriend. i got to spend my actual birthday with alex (after a yummy breakfast at half day with maggie). and because mother nature hates me, it rained all morning and afternoon. so instead of the zoo, we went to the aquarium. and then nada (my favorite restaurant in cincinnati). and then the reds game (because mother nature decided she loved me and quit the raining). and then we sat on fountain square and ate ice cream. yes, i am incredibly spoiled. yes, it was a great birthday. and yes, i love him very much.
last stop: family. i woke up on my first day of being 26 with an allergy attack. it. was. awesome. apparently on my birthday, the pollen count was high and mixed with rain, it caused me to sound like a man and not be able to breath for about 3 days. i felt so terrible on tuesday that i didn't even want to GO to my own birthday dinner. so we went to skyline cause it's quick and mom brought a cake. i'm pretty sure hope thought it was her birthday. oh well. :)
thursday of last week, i got the keys to my new apartment, which i love. on friday, alex sat at my house and waited for my deliveries while i had breakfast and got my nails done with the girls for tiffany's wedding (spoiled). saturday, my parents, alex, nick, and paul spent the day at my apartment putting furniture together, moving stuff from my parents' and organizing while i played dress up with the girls and got my picture taken (spoiled). tiffany made the most beautiful bride that night. it was perfect.
business is booming. my apartment is lovely. i'm in love.
life is pretty yellow today. and that's about all i got.
xx
anyone that knows me knows that yellow is my favorite color. everything i have that can be yellow is. it might sound hokey but yellow legitimately puts me in a good mood. i opened my cabinets to get my breakfast this morning and laughed at the yellow plates, yellow bowls and yellow cups. my brother just bought me a kitchenaid standing mixer and it is the most yellow thing i've ever seen. and i love it.
i love yellow.
and right now, life is pretty yellow.
i turned 26 last week. i know that to some of you, that is not old at all. and i know that one day i'll look back and realize just how young i was at 26 but i still feel 19. so 26 is old. i celebrated my birthday with my friends, my love, and my family.
first stop: friends. louisville, ky. JOY missed her exit so we drove to lexington to get to louisvile (oy vey) but once we got there, it was a great time. lots of dancing, lots of food, lots of laughing. and anytime something didn't go my way, all i had to say was "but it's my BIRTHDAY!" have i mentioned i love my birthday?
next stop: boyfriend. i got to spend my actual birthday with alex (after a yummy breakfast at half day with maggie). and because mother nature hates me, it rained all morning and afternoon. so instead of the zoo, we went to the aquarium. and then nada (my favorite restaurant in cincinnati). and then the reds game (because mother nature decided she loved me and quit the raining). and then we sat on fountain square and ate ice cream. yes, i am incredibly spoiled. yes, it was a great birthday. and yes, i love him very much.
last stop: family. i woke up on my first day of being 26 with an allergy attack. it. was. awesome. apparently on my birthday, the pollen count was high and mixed with rain, it caused me to sound like a man and not be able to breath for about 3 days. i felt so terrible on tuesday that i didn't even want to GO to my own birthday dinner. so we went to skyline cause it's quick and mom brought a cake. i'm pretty sure hope thought it was her birthday. oh well. :)
thursday of last week, i got the keys to my new apartment, which i love. on friday, alex sat at my house and waited for my deliveries while i had breakfast and got my nails done with the girls for tiffany's wedding (spoiled). saturday, my parents, alex, nick, and paul spent the day at my apartment putting furniture together, moving stuff from my parents' and organizing while i played dress up with the girls and got my picture taken (spoiled). tiffany made the most beautiful bride that night. it was perfect.
business is booming. my apartment is lovely. i'm in love.
life is pretty yellow today. and that's about all i got.
xx
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
i keep finding sand everywhere... {friendship}
there are certain times in my life that i feel old.
this weekend was one of them.
i flew down to south florida to visit one of my college roommates, alexandra, whom i hadn't seen in 4 years.
since when was i old enough to go 4 years without seeing someone, let alone someone i went to college with??
let's start at the beginning.
i drove up to columbus (cause praise God for southwest airlines even if i have to drive a little) and had a yummo lunch with rachel and finally saw her apartment there (bad friend award). i almost missed my first flight (awesome) and then i had to run through tampa's airport to not miss my second one. i make fun of that person. i did not enjoy being that person.
so i get on my second flight and i'm bummed cause i'm starving but thank goodness for those yummy peanuts. UNTIL the mean pilot said "this ride's gonna be bumpy so we won't have any service during the duration of the flight nor are we going to permit any passengers to move around the aircraft for any reason." it was only a 40 minute flight. and i said the sinner's prayer 56 times. we apparently were flying through a crazy storm and i think the pilot was aiming for clouds. BUT i made it safely to fort lauderdale and had a slightly dramatic embrace with alex that annoyed the people trying to get to the one baggage claim they had like 1393 flights' bags coming into.
here's my weekend summed up: lots of sleep. we napped a LOT. but that's vacation and it's awesome. food. alex is an excellent chef (much like my other chef alex. i realized from strange texts i got that there was some confusion of who i was in florida with. hysterical.) and we ate GOOOOOOD. i have some yummy recipes to try and some vacation pounds to pay my sins for. we went on an airboat tour of the everglades and i held a baby alligator (for about 4 seconds). i went on my first ever fishing trip but i can still say i've never fished. alex caught the first fish of the morning and i was so traumatized that i teared up and spent the next 5 hours on the front of the boat away from the action. :) this peta member is not a candidate for fishing. however when she prepared the kingfish and tuna she caught the next evening, i happily obliged in crushing it. fresh fish = winning.
we went to their church and heard a good message. (my takeaway from that: we preach grace to the lost and duty to the christian. it should be grace for both. good stuff.) went to the beach, went to the pool, watched some movies, went to ikea, slept, and slept and ate and slept. :) true vacation in my eyes. i wanted to do something special for alex and danny (her husband) for letting me crash their place for 4 nights so the last morning, we headed to the beach for a short photo shoot. i can't wait to see how their pictures turned out.
we reminisced a lot. i miss college sometimes. not all the time. but sometimes. i was a completely different person in virginia. and it's not that i've changed from who i was then but i've changed from who i was there. before virginia, on break from virginia, and after virginia, i've been relatively the same person. but when i was at liberty, i wasn't myself. i wasn't that social, i wasn't confident at all, i didn't come away from college with a long list of potential bridesmaids (those are my high school girls), i didn't come away with a husband. i graduated early so i could get out of there. i didn't hate my college experience by any means but i wasn't me there.
the good news is that even in something that wasn't my favorite, i did come away with a few things. one of those being my friendship with alexandra. we picked up 4 years later right where we left off. it was really great to finally hug her and really sad to hug her goodbye knowing it could very well be 4 years until i see her again (scotland is so very far away, al).
ready for a super cliche moment you'll be annoyed with me because of? there's a carrie bradshaw quote that i love: "Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."
i don't completely think my choice for college was a mistake but i definitely ask myself often why i didn't choose something else. but if i had, i wouldn't have alex. and i wouldn't trade her for the world.
xx
this weekend was one of them.
i flew down to south florida to visit one of my college roommates, alexandra, whom i hadn't seen in 4 years.
since when was i old enough to go 4 years without seeing someone, let alone someone i went to college with??
let's start at the beginning.
i drove up to columbus (cause praise God for southwest airlines even if i have to drive a little) and had a yummo lunch with rachel and finally saw her apartment there (bad friend award). i almost missed my first flight (awesome) and then i had to run through tampa's airport to not miss my second one. i make fun of that person. i did not enjoy being that person.
so i get on my second flight and i'm bummed cause i'm starving but thank goodness for those yummy peanuts. UNTIL the mean pilot said "this ride's gonna be bumpy so we won't have any service during the duration of the flight nor are we going to permit any passengers to move around the aircraft for any reason." it was only a 40 minute flight. and i said the sinner's prayer 56 times. we apparently were flying through a crazy storm and i think the pilot was aiming for clouds. BUT i made it safely to fort lauderdale and had a slightly dramatic embrace with alex that annoyed the people trying to get to the one baggage claim they had like 1393 flights' bags coming into.
here's my weekend summed up: lots of sleep. we napped a LOT. but that's vacation and it's awesome. food. alex is an excellent chef (much like my other chef alex. i realized from strange texts i got that there was some confusion of who i was in florida with. hysterical.) and we ate GOOOOOOD. i have some yummy recipes to try and some vacation pounds to pay my sins for. we went on an airboat tour of the everglades and i held a baby alligator (for about 4 seconds). i went on my first ever fishing trip but i can still say i've never fished. alex caught the first fish of the morning and i was so traumatized that i teared up and spent the next 5 hours on the front of the boat away from the action. :) this peta member is not a candidate for fishing. however when she prepared the kingfish and tuna she caught the next evening, i happily obliged in crushing it. fresh fish = winning.
we went to their church and heard a good message. (my takeaway from that: we preach grace to the lost and duty to the christian. it should be grace for both. good stuff.) went to the beach, went to the pool, watched some movies, went to ikea, slept, and slept and ate and slept. :) true vacation in my eyes. i wanted to do something special for alex and danny (her husband) for letting me crash their place for 4 nights so the last morning, we headed to the beach for a short photo shoot. i can't wait to see how their pictures turned out.
we reminisced a lot. i miss college sometimes. not all the time. but sometimes. i was a completely different person in virginia. and it's not that i've changed from who i was then but i've changed from who i was there. before virginia, on break from virginia, and after virginia, i've been relatively the same person. but when i was at liberty, i wasn't myself. i wasn't that social, i wasn't confident at all, i didn't come away from college with a long list of potential bridesmaids (those are my high school girls), i didn't come away with a husband. i graduated early so i could get out of there. i didn't hate my college experience by any means but i wasn't me there.
the good news is that even in something that wasn't my favorite, i did come away with a few things. one of those being my friendship with alexandra. we picked up 4 years later right where we left off. it was really great to finally hug her and really sad to hug her goodbye knowing it could very well be 4 years until i see her again (scotland is so very far away, al).
ready for a super cliche moment you'll be annoyed with me because of? there's a carrie bradshaw quote that i love: "Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."
i don't completely think my choice for college was a mistake but i definitely ask myself often why i didn't choose something else. but if i had, i wouldn't have alex. and i wouldn't trade her for the world.
xx
Monday, April 18, 2011
planes, faith & bacon wrapped meatloaf.
i got back from a long weekend in utah about an hour and a half ago. i am terribly tired but i'm still on mountain time so i can't quite go to sleep. so i'm here. and i'm about to tell you about my weekend.
planes:
i love southwest. only problem is cincinnati nor dayton have it. so i had to drive to indianapolis. which was kind of far but worth the money save. first flight on friday - totally packed and the guy next to me was not an armrest sharer. but i did get a window seat. second flight on friday - a 4 year old that screamed the entire time. the. entire. time. first flight today - i had a row alone and it was peaceful and got to read. second flight today - totally packed and i had a middle seat in a row. FAIL. and there were 7, yes 7 infants on the plane including newborn twins. shoot me now. i know what you might be thinking - "have some compassion for their parents!" no. i will not. get in your car and drive. if they can kick an obese person off of a plane for taking up too much room then i think they should kick off the babies for driving me crazy. oh and sidenote: i haven't flown alone in a few years. totally forgot how hard it is to not have someone talk me through the take offs and landings, especially the landings. i do not handle either well. i think i scared the guy next to me on the first flight. serves him right for taking my armrest.
faith:
i didn't go into this trip thinking i would learn anything about my faith, be challenged about my faith, or to be completely honest, even really discuss faith. i think it was a mixture of being in SLC where i think there is an inclination to discuss religion anyway and the fact that a few of the people i spent the weekend with seem to be going through a bit of a faith revival. friday night, we talked about faith 2 or 3 different times. saturday, it came up more than once. including a conversation i had with jonathan's friend jessica. {sidenote: his friends jake and jess are a couple that live 2 doors down that i wish lived in cincinnati because i would so be their friend. and his friend ben. they are dope. that is all.} she was telling me about the way her faith has changed recently. we were talking about easter and the cross and standing in jonathan's kitchen surrounded by a bunch of people laughing and carrying on, she started to cry. it was so honest. it actually convicted me. my faith has not been the most important thing in a long time {honesty talk}. but i told jon the next morning that if i could talk about the cross without crying or feeling those emotions, that something was seriously wrong. holy week is always a tough one for me. but similar to this year, there have been years before where i had drifted "away" and this easter time brought me back. it's what my faith is based on, it makes sense that it would. i woke up sunday morning and i had a song in my head. "if ever i loved thee, my Jesus tis now" and i knew that morning i had a sensitive spirit. we went to jonathan's church and they sang songs about the cross. the verse in 'how great thou art' started about Jesus' death on the cross and my eyes immediately filled up. i love it. when the writer thought about God giving Jesus to die on the cross, he said he "scarce could take it in". i get that. it's overwhelming. on my drive back to cincinnati from indy tonight, i was singing another song about the cross. in a verse where God is talking to Jesus on the cross he says "...but soon i will clothe you in robes of my own. Jesus, this hurts me much more than you know..." and i started crying. it's incredible to me the way that God works. and for me, i went across the country for vacation and got a wake up call i needed from people that were just sharing with me what was going on in their lives. if you didn't know, i serve an incredible God.
bacon wrapped meatloaf:
i kind of fell in love with salt lake city...and it's food. i had been there once before and done the touristy things. they were great and all but this time i just wanted to hang out with jonathan. friday night we went to dinner {i had a black bean and goat cheese quesadilla. mmm} and then out with his friends. it was a good time. i knew i would wake up earlier than him saturday so i planned to go for a jog. well. i was gone for 2.5 hours. i decided to run to temple square. then i decided to run to jamba juice which was way further than i thought {but totally worth it}. i explored downtown a bit. i could feel the blisters starting and i hadn't even started back to his house yet so i walked a lot of the way home. according to my iphone odometer, i did almost 7 miles. it was beautiful. a cool morning with crazy beautiful mountains and an awesome downtown district. i could move there. we went to lunch at a little cafe that was very good and took home tiramisu for later {yum!} i took an almost 3 hour nap {if you know me, this is rare} and then we went to dinner with jake and jess. we had a vegetarian lasagna pizza at a local pizza place that was delish! we went back to jonathan's and lots of people came over. sunday we went to church and then to brunch with some of his friends. {mimosas and bloody marys, thank you very much} then we had the most perfect sunday afternoon sitting in backyard chairs while the boys threw a frisbee.
this is when the magic happened.
we didn't know where to go to dinner. they threw around some ideas and finally picked a place that no one had eaten dinner at before. turns out it was southern cuisine. and i have to admit now that the best southern food i've ever eaten was in downtown salt lake city. it's true. i had blackened catfish with yummy hush puppies, everyone else had crazy good food but i'm pretty sure his friend ben won the prize. now, i didn't try it because i don't eat beef or pork but apparently it was a gift directly from God. yes, it was bacon wrapped meatloaf with country gravy on top. with killer mashed potatoes and DELISH mac and cheese {i did try that}. then we took home peach cobbler, apple brown betty, and banana pudding. and gained 6.7 pounds each. totally worth it.
so that was my weekend. i ate a lot. but that's what vacations are for, right? i got to spend time with one of my favorite humans and meet the people that mean the most to him and totally understand why they do. i got to see landscape that i'm not used to and it was breathtaking. i got to learn about myself unexpectedly. i got to travel which i love. i got to relax. all in all, it was a fantastic weekend.
i consider myself very fortunate. this morning i felt the same way that i used to feel when i would leave college to go home or vice versa. sad to leave, happy to go. i love my life here. but i could see myself in a town like salt lake.
who knows, i'm only 25. maybe i'll never leave cincinnati or maybe i'll live in 12 places in the next 15 years. but for now, i'll just go to bed.
xx
planes:
i love southwest. only problem is cincinnati nor dayton have it. so i had to drive to indianapolis. which was kind of far but worth the money save. first flight on friday - totally packed and the guy next to me was not an armrest sharer. but i did get a window seat. second flight on friday - a 4 year old that screamed the entire time. the. entire. time. first flight today - i had a row alone and it was peaceful and got to read. second flight today - totally packed and i had a middle seat in a row. FAIL. and there were 7, yes 7 infants on the plane including newborn twins. shoot me now. i know what you might be thinking - "have some compassion for their parents!" no. i will not. get in your car and drive. if they can kick an obese person off of a plane for taking up too much room then i think they should kick off the babies for driving me crazy. oh and sidenote: i haven't flown alone in a few years. totally forgot how hard it is to not have someone talk me through the take offs and landings, especially the landings. i do not handle either well. i think i scared the guy next to me on the first flight. serves him right for taking my armrest.
faith:
i didn't go into this trip thinking i would learn anything about my faith, be challenged about my faith, or to be completely honest, even really discuss faith. i think it was a mixture of being in SLC where i think there is an inclination to discuss religion anyway and the fact that a few of the people i spent the weekend with seem to be going through a bit of a faith revival. friday night, we talked about faith 2 or 3 different times. saturday, it came up more than once. including a conversation i had with jonathan's friend jessica. {sidenote: his friends jake and jess are a couple that live 2 doors down that i wish lived in cincinnati because i would so be their friend. and his friend ben. they are dope. that is all.} she was telling me about the way her faith has changed recently. we were talking about easter and the cross and standing in jonathan's kitchen surrounded by a bunch of people laughing and carrying on, she started to cry. it was so honest. it actually convicted me. my faith has not been the most important thing in a long time {honesty talk}. but i told jon the next morning that if i could talk about the cross without crying or feeling those emotions, that something was seriously wrong. holy week is always a tough one for me. but similar to this year, there have been years before where i had drifted "away" and this easter time brought me back. it's what my faith is based on, it makes sense that it would. i woke up sunday morning and i had a song in my head. "if ever i loved thee, my Jesus tis now" and i knew that morning i had a sensitive spirit. we went to jonathan's church and they sang songs about the cross. the verse in 'how great thou art' started about Jesus' death on the cross and my eyes immediately filled up. i love it. when the writer thought about God giving Jesus to die on the cross, he said he "scarce could take it in". i get that. it's overwhelming. on my drive back to cincinnati from indy tonight, i was singing another song about the cross. in a verse where God is talking to Jesus on the cross he says "...but soon i will clothe you in robes of my own. Jesus, this hurts me much more than you know..." and i started crying. it's incredible to me the way that God works. and for me, i went across the country for vacation and got a wake up call i needed from people that were just sharing with me what was going on in their lives. if you didn't know, i serve an incredible God.
bacon wrapped meatloaf:
i kind of fell in love with salt lake city...and it's food. i had been there once before and done the touristy things. they were great and all but this time i just wanted to hang out with jonathan. friday night we went to dinner {i had a black bean and goat cheese quesadilla. mmm} and then out with his friends. it was a good time. i knew i would wake up earlier than him saturday so i planned to go for a jog. well. i was gone for 2.5 hours. i decided to run to temple square. then i decided to run to jamba juice which was way further than i thought {but totally worth it}. i explored downtown a bit. i could feel the blisters starting and i hadn't even started back to his house yet so i walked a lot of the way home. according to my iphone odometer, i did almost 7 miles. it was beautiful. a cool morning with crazy beautiful mountains and an awesome downtown district. i could move there. we went to lunch at a little cafe that was very good and took home tiramisu for later {yum!} i took an almost 3 hour nap {if you know me, this is rare} and then we went to dinner with jake and jess. we had a vegetarian lasagna pizza at a local pizza place that was delish! we went back to jonathan's and lots of people came over. sunday we went to church and then to brunch with some of his friends. {mimosas and bloody marys, thank you very much} then we had the most perfect sunday afternoon sitting in backyard chairs while the boys threw a frisbee.
this is when the magic happened.
we didn't know where to go to dinner. they threw around some ideas and finally picked a place that no one had eaten dinner at before. turns out it was southern cuisine. and i have to admit now that the best southern food i've ever eaten was in downtown salt lake city. it's true. i had blackened catfish with yummy hush puppies, everyone else had crazy good food but i'm pretty sure his friend ben won the prize. now, i didn't try it because i don't eat beef or pork but apparently it was a gift directly from God. yes, it was bacon wrapped meatloaf with country gravy on top. with killer mashed potatoes and DELISH mac and cheese {i did try that}. then we took home peach cobbler, apple brown betty, and banana pudding. and gained 6.7 pounds each. totally worth it.
so that was my weekend. i ate a lot. but that's what vacations are for, right? i got to spend time with one of my favorite humans and meet the people that mean the most to him and totally understand why they do. i got to see landscape that i'm not used to and it was breathtaking. i got to learn about myself unexpectedly. i got to travel which i love. i got to relax. all in all, it was a fantastic weekend.
i consider myself very fortunate. this morning i felt the same way that i used to feel when i would leave college to go home or vice versa. sad to leave, happy to go. i love my life here. but i could see myself in a town like salt lake.
who knows, i'm only 25. maybe i'll never leave cincinnati or maybe i'll live in 12 places in the next 15 years. but for now, i'll just go to bed.
xx
Thursday, April 14, 2011
paul simon > art garfunkel
it asked me to title this something and i had nothing so i went with a random thought inside my head. art garfunkel should be thanking his lucky stars for paul simon and his crazy song writing ability. i don't even know if art is alive though so if he isn't...i apologize for being insensitive. but still. paul simon. love.
it is 9:41pm on thursday. i leave to go out of town at 9am. i haven't packed a thing. i haven't done the 20 things on my professional 'get done before you go' list. i still need to run an errand tonight. but i'm sitting here blogging because there's nothing i love more than unpreparedness.
i really really do need to pack. but i just wanted to take a minute to tell you a story.
i've always been mouthy. i say what i want, when i want, to whom i want. i think it's one of my most endearing qualities. :)
2 years ago, right around this time, i said some things to someone. some pretty mean things. totally out of anger. i could tell you that since they were out of anger, i didn't mean them at all but that's not really true. i meant a little of it but since i was mad, i was ugly.
one of the things that i said to this person, or more accurately, about this person was that he had "virtually nothing going for him." out of all the things i said, i instantly felt bad for saying that. the thought of someone saying that about me makes me feel pretty low. it was an unfair statement & an inaccurate one.
i didn't see him for a few weeks after that. then one saturday, i saw him by chance and i got to apologize for what i said. he apologized for some things too.
awesome story huh?
well 8 days later, he died.
unexpectedly. 27 years old. died.
and i promise you - after the initial shock, all i could think about for weeks was what i said. there are few things in this world that i am more grateful for than the opportunity i had to apologize. now i know he doesn't care. he's free from the cares of this world, including what a punk girl like me said. but i care. and i carry the weight of that. the weight of my words. frankly, it was a nasty thing to say and it is something i am still ashamed of.
i still fail miserably at this but it really has made me watch my words. watch to make sure the hateful ones are limited and the loving ones plentiful. whether someone is 27 or 97, the chance of never seeing them again is higher than i'd like so i try to make sure they know i love them. and even when i'm angry, i try to not be spiteful. i don't ever want to feel that way again. knowing that without running into him on that saturday, that the last things i said about/to him were hateful. not a good feeling.
our mouths have more power than we'd like to admit. we can use that power to build up or to tear down.
consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark...
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
insert cliche 'never give up' quote {struggling}
like i said when i first started this blog, it would be a mixture of things - personal and professional.
well today's personal.
if you've been following me at all on facebook (and most of you have, that's how you're reading this), you know about the nearly 15 month long journey i've been on. on the day this weight loss journey hit 1 year, i told you i had lost 114 pounds. 2.5 months later, i've lost 133.
which means i averaged 9.5 pounds the first 12 months and 7.6 a month since.
i know what you're thinking - 7.6 pounds a month is still really good.
and i know i should be happy and i know i should be proud but i'm just really struggling today. mainly because i can only blame my metabolism so much. i feel like i'm more likely to waver from my self-set meal and exercise plans these days where i would rarely have before.
that frustrates me.
it shows complacency and apathy - two things that that rachel from the past was sinking in.
maybe it's just a bad day.
maybe i feel guilty because i don't want to tell you what i just ate for dinner.
maybe it's a plateau.
but i feel like it's in my hands. and i'm dropping the ball.
i will never look at 133 pounds lost and feel like a failure. it's pretty much impossible. but right now, i feel like i'm failing at my ultimate goal - victory over the self-inflicting habits i hid behind for so long.
i'm not in a rush -i've said that before. i would rather lose pounds that don't creep back than ones easy to regain which is why i have never done a fad diet, eliminated a food group altogether, or went about this unnaturally during the process.
i think i'm struggling because this hasn't been a bad day. it's been a bad 2 weeks. 2 weeks of not pushing myself like i should physically (it's like i ran 2 races and all of a sudden, i think i've succeeded and can quit) and not disciplining myself in the kitchen like before. and work has been stressful. isn't that everyone's excuse? :)
just last night, i realized that within walking distance of the apartment i'm moving to in June are 3 of my favorite restaurants. and i actually got scared. who gets scared of food? this girl. cause i'm learning that while for the most part, i did truly leave behind that girl, she still creeps up.
so forgive me if this sounds whiny. i'm not whining, i'm not even complaining. i'm just angry at myself and need a swift kick in the pants. because if anything, i've learned this year that i can do anything. i really can. so i don't have a fear of not completing this journey - i will lose the weight, i will get down to that goal. i just want to make sure that girl is gone.
and today, she's like a very unwelcome houseguest.
oh and by the way, it was pizza. and i already regret it.
well today's personal.
if you've been following me at all on facebook (and most of you have, that's how you're reading this), you know about the nearly 15 month long journey i've been on. on the day this weight loss journey hit 1 year, i told you i had lost 114 pounds. 2.5 months later, i've lost 133.
which means i averaged 9.5 pounds the first 12 months and 7.6 a month since.
i know what you're thinking - 7.6 pounds a month is still really good.
and i know i should be happy and i know i should be proud but i'm just really struggling today. mainly because i can only blame my metabolism so much. i feel like i'm more likely to waver from my self-set meal and exercise plans these days where i would rarely have before.
that frustrates me.
it shows complacency and apathy - two things that that rachel from the past was sinking in.
maybe it's just a bad day.
maybe i feel guilty because i don't want to tell you what i just ate for dinner.
maybe it's a plateau.
but i feel like it's in my hands. and i'm dropping the ball.
i will never look at 133 pounds lost and feel like a failure. it's pretty much impossible. but right now, i feel like i'm failing at my ultimate goal - victory over the self-inflicting habits i hid behind for so long.
i'm not in a rush -i've said that before. i would rather lose pounds that don't creep back than ones easy to regain which is why i have never done a fad diet, eliminated a food group altogether, or went about this unnaturally during the process.
i think i'm struggling because this hasn't been a bad day. it's been a bad 2 weeks. 2 weeks of not pushing myself like i should physically (it's like i ran 2 races and all of a sudden, i think i've succeeded and can quit) and not disciplining myself in the kitchen like before. and work has been stressful. isn't that everyone's excuse? :)
just last night, i realized that within walking distance of the apartment i'm moving to in June are 3 of my favorite restaurants. and i actually got scared. who gets scared of food? this girl. cause i'm learning that while for the most part, i did truly leave behind that girl, she still creeps up.
so forgive me if this sounds whiny. i'm not whining, i'm not even complaining. i'm just angry at myself and need a swift kick in the pants. because if anything, i've learned this year that i can do anything. i really can. so i don't have a fear of not completing this journey - i will lose the weight, i will get down to that goal. i just want to make sure that girl is gone.
and today, she's like a very unwelcome houseguest.
oh and by the way, it was pizza. and i already regret it.
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