please take this blog {grossly out of context}

i haven't blogged in a few months. it's, uh, wedding season. chaos. but i just wanted to take a few seconds and share a thought with you.

a few years ago, i was a political junkie. i was fresh out of college and thus, over-opinionated and always correct. i took every opportunity for a debate with politics at the very top of the list of topics. i read political blogs daily, i wrote political blogs, i followed it like it was my job.

how completely useless.

my political beliefs have changed in the 6+ years since i graduated college. not a 180, but, still a change. i wasn't a republican then. still not. i wasn't a democrat then. still not. i liked who i liked and hated anyone else. i would take anything remotely idiotic that a candidate said and run with it. much like a lot of you are doing now.

why do i feel like i'm the only person on the earth that thinks President Obama was right in his speech about american industry? was "you didn't build that" the best choice of words? no. but neither were THESE or THIS. the basic point of his speech was this: american industry helped you build your business. am i, a small business owner, offended by that?

no.

in fact, i am thankful for it.

i have a feeling...that if it were Mitt Romney that said it and the liberal community was appalled, the very same of you that are posting Facebook statuses and 'hilarious' memes about it {which by the way, is really world-changing}, would be at his defense. why? because very few of you actually care what President Obama said 'wrong', you're just glad he did.

it's ammunition. it's fuel.

have you taken the time to read what he said? that if you have a successful business, you're fortunate? that smart people start businesses every day, hard-working people start businesses every day? it's no secret to any of us that 50% of businesses fail in the FIRST year with 95% of businesses failing in the first 5 years. those businesses were started by smart people. they were weathered by hard-working people. and they failed. i've seen that first hand. why are you offended by him reiterating something we all already know? for ammunition's sake.

and for those of us with successful businesses - are we that unaware of how highly we do rely on american industry to sustain and increase our business's profitability? seriously? i realize, believe me i realize, that it is rachel spears that is running my company. i'm there all the time, just me, working at 3 in the morning, working all weekend, working all the time. it's me. i run this company. i am very proud of that. but i'm also very thankful for a country where i can do it freely, a financial industry that allowed me credit to start up my company {and maintain it}, yes - for technology that my specific business could not thrive without - i am thankful. and i think you are too.

but in front of that thankfulness for this country we boast about until it serves us not to, is the insatiable need for us to attack what we disagree with. the video above of the President Bush - many would say, "he just misspoke! Obama though, this is his ideology." the video above with the poor choice of words from Mitt Romney - many would say, "taken out of context, rachel!"

but THIS video??? hello sensationalism. and some of you? putty in their hands. you got excited when you read the articles about what he said. you got to your computer as fast as you could to tell everyone what you thought about him saying it. you were annoyed but you were enlivened.

THAT bothers me. that vicious cycle of one side attacking the other regardless of benefit to anyone bothers me. not only does it bother me, it makes me wonder the caliber of intelligence that i'm surrounding myself with. pause. i am NOT saying that if you don't like the President or if you don't like Mitt Romney that either opinion is stupid or wrong. i am saying that waiting for someone to say the wrong thing and manipulating it to feed your argument is.

i don't agree with the President all the time. but i agree with him here. i realize that's an unpopular opinion. i just don't care. i'm grateful for my opportunities and my successes and to continue growing that success, i don't have the time in the day for nonsense. {side note: it goes both ways. i know that. it irritates me both ways too, believe me.}

i probably irritated you. i get that. most of my blogs are inspirational, funny, uplifting - i know. i just had to say something. it's part of my charm. or it's a curse. jury's still out.

back to work.
gotta run this company that i have the amazing opportunity to run.

XO

stop and smell the roses {life}

we are busy.

all of us.

it's a fact of life for me. my friends and family have accepted that as long as people keep getting married, i'm going to miss out on most of what happens friday through sunday. as long as those brides and grooms are interested in using me to photograph their wedding {let's cross our fingers that that never stops} that weekday evenings are filled with meetings and engagement sessions. weekdays are filled up with shoots and meetings and consultations and when i lock myself in my office with nothing but water, pandora, and carrots and edit until i can't see straight.

yet, as busy as i am, i refuse to give up my life. because this is my job and it is my passion but it is not my life. often, my clients become my friends {yay!} and because you can't be real life friends if you're not facebook friends, it's not too long before they have access to a constant stream of statuses, photos, and check-in's from me {cause let's be honest, you guys all know where i am at any given time.}. just last night, i needed to get some info to a bride and thought i'd wait until this morning and i genuinely felt guilty checking in at the brad paisley concert. the minute i realized how ridiculous that guilt was, i knew i needed to fix something. and fix it now.

i had a disturbing conversation with a woman in the fall. it's bothered me ever since. i was overwhelmed at work and behind on...well, everything and i was venting. and she said this - "you're not married and you don't even have kids. you don't know what busy is."

that statement has fueled all of the guilt i've felt since then when i was living instead of working. in january, i was in south america with my church on a medical mission and in the evenings, i was fighting for service on my phone so i could email clients. every time i wake up in the middle of the night {which is frequent}, i check my phone and read emails from clients that have come in after i go to bed {cause i'm an old lady and go to bed at like 10}. a client had to reschedule something with me in april and i told her the only thing i had available that week was thursday morning because really, i wasn't working wednesday night but i wanted to go to the reds game with my friends. and then i saw her at the reds game and literally turned and walked the other way so she wouldn't see me. it's gotten ridiculous. really, really ridiculous.

but {yay for the but here!}, i'm putting my foot down. not to my clients - to myself. to that ridiculous assumption that because i'm single and childless, that work should come before bonfires with my friends and last minute trips to riverbend for a concert {the tickets actually came from a bride! thanks sarah!}.

when that woman said that to me, i didn't know whether to cry, hit her, or believe her. it reminded me of the episode of SATC when carrie realizes how much money she's spent on wedding gifts and baby shower gifts and kids' birthday gifts over the years as her friends married and had kids. why didn't anyone buy presents for the woman that chose not to do those things? so she registered herself for shoes at manolo blahnik. :) don't worry. i'm not asking for shoes or anything but maybe just some understanding. some understanding that while i'm single and not a mom, that my time is a precious as the time of a working mom or wife.

if i'm ever going to get married, i have to date. to date, i have to have some time. if i don't ever get married, then my most important relationships will continue to be with my family and friends. and if i can't invest in those, they'll die. so no, i'm not taking kids to soccer or throwing princess birthday parties or cleaning the kids' bathroom at midnight cause that's the only time i have to do it {not bashing that at all. you ladies are my heroes}. i'm going to reds games and dinner parties. i'm cleaning my house and going to the gym. i'm painting with my girls and watching mad men with the boys.  and yes, watching the bachelorette {don't act like you don't}. i'm living. and i'm getting ready to start doing that guilt-free.

i'm not feeling sorry for myself, i promise. i have a job that i love, a business that i own and the freedom that my friends that work in cubicles dream of. i am blessed. blessed with all of that and blessed with this beautiful life. i photograph my clients living their lives and now i have to figure out a way to leave that and live my own.

so i'm figuring out a new schedule. i'm setting up some new priorities, some new rules for myself. i'm doing so without the guilt that i have to work all the time because of the lie in my head that i should because there aren't people depending on me at home. maybe if i can figure this out now, if i ever do have a husband and children, i'll already be in the right mindset with priorities. realistically, i'll have to keep relearning this over and over again. but for now, i'm going to go the reds game on thursday with my friends and turn my email notifications off.

and you should do the same.

<3 XO

we need people {love}

i sat across the table from one of my best friends in the world tonight and held back tears {even though i'm pretty sure she saw them in my eyes} because if she wasn't losing it, i wasn't going to. this is happening to her. her mom is sick. her family is hurting. her world is changing. and if she could sit across from me and pour out her heart and not cry, i was going to be the strongest friend in the world for a few minutes and not cry either.

until now. now she's not here. now i'm crying. if i could take this from her, i would. my relationship with her was born out of tragedy. i knew who she was. we had met a few times. and then tragedy hit and from that, we became friends and then family. maybe it's that part of our friendship that makes this so hard for me to watch. more tragedy? and this? her mom - the closest thing to an angel on earth? doesn't seem fair. doesn't seem right.

when we talked tonight, she just kept talking about how overwhelmed she was with the love and support from the people in her life. it took me back to my own tragedy in 2004 which i remember little of except the support and love from the people around me. i have a bag full of cards that i received during my recuperation and every once in awhile, i get them out and have a good cry. and even though i was young, i remember very well when my dad had a heart attack and open heart surgery. different ladies from church brought food to our family, moms from around the neighborhood helped shuffle us around.

we need people.

we need people to enjoy sunshine with and people to walk through storms with. we need people for the moments that seem unfair. and we need people for the moments of indescribable joy.

we need people.

i remember being in a night class in college and getting that phone call. i left class and literally ran to the dorm where all of my friends were sitting in a room around one of my first friends in college who had just gotten the call that her dad died. i remember standing outside at my friend kevin's house with a hundred or so other people sharing stories and memories of him, crying and hugging. i remember being in my best friend's living room with her family and friends the night she got engaged and celebrating and taking pictures. i remember every day i spent with hope in the nicu. i remember my friend coming to my house late at night with two dozen roses and a listening ear when the end of a relationship devastated me. i remember the phone call at midnight when my best friend of twenty plus years was spending her last night at her parents before her wedding the next day and she just needed to cry because she was going to miss them. i remember having lunch with a friend who i hadn't seen in three years and crying with her about her dad's sudden passing. i remember celebrating with my friends when one passed the bar. i remember the "we're engaged!" phone calls, the "we broke up" phone calls, the "i lost my job"phone calls, the "they said it's cancer"phone calls, the "we're expecting!" phone calls, and the "we have some bad news" phone calls.

we need people.

in a way, my heart is heavy tonight and yet it's light. heavy that someone i care so deeply about is hurting yet hearing that people are encouraging her makes me smile. because life happens. accomplishments are met, jobs are lost, babies are born, parents pass on, houses foreclose, businesses start, birthdays pass by, spouses get sick, children get married, and we get old.

and life is much easier {easier to enjoy and easier to bear} with people in it.

we need people.

<3

KONY 2012 {make him famous}

in april of 2006, i was living in virginia. on the evening of the 29th, i left my house and walked to downtown lynchburg, slept on the streets with many others, got up the next morning and walked home.

it was called the global night commute. and it should have changed my life.

and it did. momentarily. we walked downtown and slept that night, just as many did around the USA and the world to show support for the children of uganda, who walk from their homes {sometimes many, many miles} every single night to the center of their city to sleep in order to not be abducted by the LRA, the lord's resistance army. monsters, at best.

they abduct these ugandan children and turn the girls into sex slaves and the boys into soldiers. they rape these children, force these children to kill their parents, force them to mutilate and kill others, and kill them. for absolutely no reason. there is no cause. just power. this guerrilla group exists for the sake of power. and kill and enslave to reinforce that power.

in 2007, many friends of mine participated in displace me. i wasn't able to attend but a year after we showed support at the global night commute, they did again with this event. i urge you to google both events.

in 2008, i began donating monthly to invisible children, the organization that fights to bring awareness to this crisis and also fights to stop it. in 2008, i became one of the apathetic. writing my check, feeling good about myself, and forgetting their faces.

i "follow" invisible children on Facebook and i knew from posts that they had a short film coming out. i made a mental note to watch it. and then when it premiered the other day, i forgot. last night, i couldn't sleep. i like to think that was divine. i got on my phone to pass the time and saw the link to the video. perfect, i thought. i'll watch it now.

30 minutes? i didn't want to stay up 30 more minutes. i told myself i'd watch a few minutes and finish it this morning. 30 minutes and a fair bit of weeping later, i watched it again.

i realize you are busy. but this will be the most important 30 minutes you give today. please. watch this video. you can find it HERE. there are moments it is hard to watch. but you need to watch it. we all need to be aware.

i have talked on occasion about social media and wondered with friends whether Hitler would have terrorized as long as he did if people were more aware of what was happening. it's fact that the reports of genocide were delayed - normal citizens were limited to what the government told them about that crisis. with things like facebook and the internet, we are not.

we can tell anyone and everyone about what is happening in uganda.

what has been happening in uganda for 26 years. 26 years. and no one knew. no one talked about it. no one stopped it.

and now we can. the LRA's leader joseph kony was indicted for war crimes and crimes against humanity in 2005. and you don't know his name.

but now you do. the more people know, the more people care, the better chance there is of finding him and putting a stop to this crisis once and for all. you'll see in the film that america has recently started aiding uganda in finding him. but if it's not important to the masses, they'll likely stop. we have to tell them it's important.

the invisible children organization says that where you live shouldn't decide whether you live. and i agree. and i believe you do too. there are thousands of causes all over the world and we are asked to donate, to help, to aid someone or some cause all the time. i get that. i don't want to say one cause is more important than another. but i would say that stopping the murder, rape, enslavement & torture of CHILDREN is something we would all say is of the utmost importance.

write a letter to washington. hang a poster. wear a bracelet, call your congressman.

make joseph kony's name famous.

i'm 26 years old. this started when i was born. learning about the holocaust in school, i remember thinking "i'm glad stuff like that doesn't happen now." i have been confident that the world i live in wouldn't let this happen. but if you don't know it's happening, how can you stop it?

now we know. and we can do something, give something, stop something, change something, heal something, vindicate something.

and we could do this very simply.

not asking for thousands of dollars. just your VOICE.

let's make kony famous.

--

visit www.invisiblechildren.com and www.facebook.com/invisiblechildren to make the pledge, watch the video, track the progress, get addresses for american politicians, get the kit, and find out about the night we can change everything - april 20, 2012. if nothing else, watch the video. it will be the best thing you do today. we can change this world. use your voice.

what are you doing? {besides driving me crazy}

facebook statuses.

sigh.

before i make my list of facebook statuses that make me want to punch someone, force someone to live in a second or {gasp!} third world country for like, a day, or delete you from my facebook {which these days is like real life so those are hefty words}, let me pause to say this: yes i realize i probably would make some of your lists. if someone whose statuses are song lyrics 90% of the time bothers you - i'm sure you can't stand me. but let's be honest, george strait and billy joel's heartfelt words are way less annoying than mine. or maybe you can't stand the person that checks in everywhere they go. hey. i live alone. i think it's responsible. if i go missing, you know i was at lifetime 6 hours ago and at cadillac ranch 24 minutes ago. you'd have a good start on your search party. maybe you hate yellow {shame on you!}. maybe the XO annoys you. i got nothing for that. i'm just girly.

so here we go.

1. #peoplethathashtagtosaytheyhatehashtags. yes, we all know this isn't twitter. we know hash tags won't work on facebook. we don't care. we're being clever. example: "ugh! i dropped my prada bag on the floor at nordstrom and my iphone fell out and broke! #firstworldproblems". i will "like" that status. this one: "this isn't twitter, morons. #youcanthashtaghere" will get an eye roll. that is not clever. it's not even original. #growup

2. i have been guilty of this one a time or two but it was before i was old enough to rent a 15 passenger van. if you're that age or older and you've been dating for less than a month, please don't make every single status about him/her. we all see that and say this to each other ; "noooooot gonna last." you're not in love. you haven't even had time to stalk each other's exes yet. now, i don't think it's altogether wrong to make a status about the person you do love. i've done it. lots of times. i've been guilty of a "i love this man." status a time or two or even a "on a date with a cute boy <3". semi-annoying, i realize this, but acceptable in a relationship. however, statuses almost every day that say something like "i have the most beautiful, caring girlfriend ever." make me want to punch you and make me think you are trying to convince yourself of that. it's endearing for a season. and if you try to start that season prematurely or make it last too long, you're acting like a 14 year old girl with her first boyfriend. and no one likes a 14 year old girl with her first boyfriend.

3. "i'm going to make this super bigoted status about that religion or political group that is SO bigoted." enough said. morons.

4. not sure if you know this or not, but the unemployment rate is at like 8.3% right now. so it's fair to assume that most of us have a job. some/most even have jobs they don't enjoy. the ones that do enjoy their job still don't want to work all the time. that being said: "i hate my job.", "i have to go to work. :( :( :(", "can't believe i have to work for 3 hours on a saturday. :(" will make me want to punch you harder than i typically want to punch people. A. you have a job. be grateful. B. you have a job. be grateful. C. no one LIKES to work. but we LIKE all the stuff we have. so shut your mouth. and D. you have a job. be grateful. especially if your job is really not that hard. oh and sidenote, i work every saturday. i just one-upped you. take that. rewind it back.

5. if you purposely spell things wrong, use ThIs KiNd oF tYpe, talk in third person or have statuses that say something like "lms {which i just learned was 'like my status' ugh} if you know what it's like to be a balllllllllllller", there really is no hope for you. like, at all.

6. election years are annoying enough without social networking. at this point, you've established that you hate republicans. everyone knows. everyone knooooooows. stop arguing with people on facebook about politics. it takes a lot for someone to change their political beliefs. you're not convincing anyone when you argue. you're just trying to make sure everyone knows how smart you are {come see how good i look!}. you want everyone to know the statistics you know, the articles you've read, the true goodness you see in candidate A. umm, politicians are evil. all of them. and wasting your time during election year ranting about liberals, conservatives, and oh yeah, election year itself, makes you punch-worthy.

7. i know this one will bother some people. but let me just break it down for you. you had kids. you probably wanted to. a lot of people have kids. a lot of people are tired because of those kids. you don't have to always tell us about it. i realize i don't have kids. but you're tired because someone had an accident in the middle of the night and i'm tired from being awesome all day long. we're all tired. let it go. may i also use this as an opportunity to tell you to stop using said kids as an excuse? i know you have 5 kids. but if you can update your status about them driving you crazy, you can return a phone call. #justsaying #howyalikethathashtag

8. i'm going to put up this passive aggressive status about people being passive aggressive. sigh.

9. cry for help facebook statuses. i don't even need to show you any examples. you know who you are. and you just got blocked.

10. and last but certainly not least - some of the worst offenders of all. "ugh. i'm going to delete my facebook. not worth the drama." and "if you can see this, you made it through round 1. deleted a bunch of people. don't need fake 'friends'." sigh. and sigh. and sigh. A. if you're going to delete your facebook, you would have. we all know what reaction you're going for. and let's be honest, if you're putting up a status like that, you probably love the drama. in fact, you probably ARE the drama. take it down a notch or two. no one cares. and B. please don't let me make it past round 2 in your deleting party. go ahead and delete me. it will save me the trouble.

i miss the days when it said "john doe is..." and then you had to fill it out. you legit had to say what you were doing. i mean, i just put song lyrics up anyway but i digress. at least the ranting was at a low. the cries for help were few and far between. and the desire to punch people was minimal.

so carry on, facebookers. keep telling me about your boyfriend {that you're going to post after-break-up taylor swift lyrics about in 2 weeks}, your 9 kids {one word: vasectomy}, your hatred of facebook {i got nothin} and hOw eXiCteD yOu ArE aBoUt JuStiN's nEw alBuM!!!

sigh.
punches.
yellow.
love.

i left a little piece of my heart in peru {part TWO}

if you didn't catch my blog yesterday, go back and read part one first. do as you're told. gracias. and you can check out my photos from the trip here.

we got to peru late afternoon on monday. it felt so good to just BE in peru. what i was not prepared for was our first bus ride...or really any of our bus rides. when i say they drive like maniacs down there - i mean, take the volume of cars in new york, add the aggressiveness of new york drivers and then take out all of the laws, rules, road surveillance, patrol cars, common decency & logic. americans beep and scream obscenities for cutting them off. peruvians just beep. all the time. it never stops. it's their way of telling you their cutting you off. when you wanna switch lanes or a lane ends, it's really just a matter of who gets there first. i could reach out and touch another car at almost any moment. that first ride was terrifying. and people laughed at me for freaking out. imagine that. :)

we got to yeyas, our hostel and ate dinner and had a meeting and prepared for our work days. the guys that were already there went to our scheduled site for monday and did what they could with who and what they had. our entire children's team was in chile. we had a lot of the medical supplies. but God can do much with little. and i know they reached the people they were called to that day.

the next day we went to the freys' church. alan and diane frey are some of the best people i've ever met. they've been in peru since 1984. and they have the kind of hearts i hope to have. {annnnnd, i'm tearing up. didn't take long. never does ha!} we met the most beautiful and loving people that day. we met little stephanie who is 7 and shocked us all by being bilingual. i hired her as my interpreter for about an hour. ;) she's bilingual because of time she spent in new york last year. her dad lives in new york and works there to support her, her mother, and her baby brother in lima. heart = broken. she was funny and she was beautiful and she was wearing yellow. no coincidence there. :)

i got to meet and talk to some of our team that day too. there were people with us from mansfield, ohio and from the freys' home church {our connection is that chad, our leader from origins, grew up knowing the freys at the same church outside of chicago}. everyone that was with us was amazing. and david, a college kid from chicago, guessed my age at 21 so we quickly became best friends. obviously. :)

i met a woman, whose name i couldn't pronounce, when i was doing her nails. she knew a little english and i could tell she was trying hard. she ended up coming back 2 days later to another site we were at with juice she made for me {that i felt awful not being able to drink because there's no way to know if she boiled the water but she doesn't know i didn't. whew!} and asked me write on the back of a picture of us so she could practice her english even more. i told her i hope to see her next year and that she knows more english...and that i know more spanish. :) she is a sweet, sweet woman. and i hope i get to hug her again.

that night, we were going to the mall. i didn't feel great that afternoon, but i was okay. by the time we got to the mall, i knew i wasn't feeling well at all. the final nail in the coffin was when everyone got ice cream and i didn't want any. if you know me, you know that i never pass on ice cream. it just doesn't happen. so then i knew i was sick. i just needed to get back to the hostel. well to do that, a typical peruvian bus ride was in order. and that bus ride did me in. i rode with my face covered and dalene's voice in my ear telling me we were almost there {and we never were ha!} and because i'm me, i started crying. i just didn't want to get sick on that bus. we pulled in front of yeyas and people cleared for me to run in. my room was locked so brandon and tara ran up to theirs with me and {bless their hearts} i got sick in their bathroom. thought it was over. it wasn't. i was sick all night long. and devastated. the next day was the orphanage and i was dying to go.

so i went. sick or not. and lasted half the day before i got sent back to yeyas to sleep it off. which i'm so glad i did. by the time i woke up from that nap, i was good to go. thank you Jesus! my short time at the orphanage was great. i saw some of the most beautiful children in the world. and got to love on them. doesn't get much better than that. we went to the fountains in downtown lima that night. make sure you check out the pictures of that. so beautiful.

the next day was very much like the first. the doctors saw a bunch of patients, which was awesome and we got to love on the people. peruvian people are so loving. it was hard to say goodbye to them that day.

and the goodbyes continued. we had our final meeting that night with the groups we worked with in lima. addy, a 29 year old angel with a vision to reach her people, shared that vision and her needs with us. the men from origins laid hands and prayed over our peruvian friends and partners {i cried. like a baby.} and they gave us gifts for coming to them and hugged us goodbye. a woman i hadn't even talked to all week brought me a gift,  hugged me, and in english said "i love you". {weeping over here.} and i know that she meant it. and i love her too. i can't tell you how quickly my heart was won by these people. what little we did meant the world to them. and their smiles meant the world to us.

that same night, back at yeyas, a few people shared their hearts. if i thought i had cried before, i hadn't even started. a man named tim that goes to our church got up to share his heart. i'm not going to tell his story because i wouldn't do it justice. but it's the beauty of my time in peru. i was encouraged and inspired and changed by the people we met. and that night, i was encouraged and inspired and changed by his daughter lauren, a girl i already know.

that night back in our room, we talked about our week there. God had provided money for people in his last-minute way. he didn't for me. not that i didn't have an incredible help from the people in my life, i did. but i paid a lot of my trip myself. and there were expenses outside of the money we needed that were costly and difficult and came at a time when business was slow and expenses were high. i wasn't bitter about paying it, it was just hard. and that night, sitting in that room, i realized that i would pay it all again for that experience. i almost think God wanted me to pay it. because he knew i didn't have the money. but he also knew peru was where i was supposed to be. and now, in hindsight, he has repaid me in full. and i'd spend twice as much next year for half of the blessings from my week there.

the first night, scotty {my incredible pastor} challenged us to pray over the question, "why am i here?" and there are easy answers there. "to change lives", "to change me"...and while they sound cliche, they're true. but i had to get specific with my prayer. and in no time he showed me. the change that needed to happen inside of me was more than i think i had even realized.

and he changed my heart last week.
and a little bit of that heart {okay maybe a big part of it} is still there in lima. and very well might always be. i'm okay with that. :)

i came back to the states with a new appreciation for my american life, with a deeper love for my savior, a newly found love for his children in peru, an intense gratefulness for the people i'm blessed to serve with at origins, and a beautiful reminder of hope. my entire time there screamed hope. hope for the people of peru, hope for all of us - the hope we have in Jesus Christ.

it would be impossible for me to walk away from my time there and not know that life is yellow.

it is so, so yellow.

i left a little piece of my heart in peru {part TWO}

if you didn't catch my blog yesterday, go back and read part one first. do as you're told. gracias. and you can check out my photos from the trip here.

we got to peru late afternoon on monday. it felt so good to just BE in peru. what i was not prepared for was our first bus ride...or really any of our bus rides. when i say they drive like maniacs down there - i mean, take the volume of cars in new york, add the aggressiveness of new york drivers and then take out all of the laws, rules, road surveillance, patrol cars, common decency & logic. americans beep and scream obscenities for cutting them off. peruvians just beep. all the time. it never stops. it's their way of telling you their cutting you off. when you wanna switch lanes or a lane ends, it's really just a matter of who gets there first. i could reach out and touch another car at almost any moment. that first ride was terrifying. and people laughed at me for freaking out. imagine that. :)

we got to yeyas, our hostel and ate dinner and had a meeting and prepared for our work days. the guys that were already there went to our scheduled site for monday and did what they could with who and what they had. our entire children's team was in chile. we had a lot of the medical supplies. but God can do much with little. and i know they reached the people they were called to that day.

the next day we went to the freys' church. alan and diane frey are some of the best people i've ever met. they've been in peru since 1984. and they have the kind of hearts i hope to have. {annnnnd, i'm tearing up. didn't take long. never does ha!} we met the most beautiful and loving people that day. we met little stephanie who is 7 and shocked us all by being bilingual. i hired her as my interpreter for about an hour. ;) she's bilingual because of time she spent in new york last year. her dad lives in new york and works there to support her, her mother, and her baby brother in lima. heart = broken. she was funny and she was beautiful and she was wearing yellow. no coincidence there. :)

i got to meet and talk to some of our team that day too. there were people with us from mansfield, ohio and from the freys' home church {our connection is that chad, our leader from origins, grew up knowing the freys at the same church outside of chicago}. everyone that was with us was amazing. and david, a college kid from chicago, guessed my age at 21 so we quickly became best friends. obviously. :)

i met a woman, whose name i couldn't pronounce, when i was doing her nails. she knew a little english and i could tell she was trying hard. she ended up coming back 2 days later to another site we were at with juice she made for me {that i felt awful not being able to drink because there's no way to know if she boiled the water but she doesn't know i didn't. whew!} and asked me write on the back of a picture of us so she could practice her english even more. i told her i hope to see her next year and that she knows more english...and that i know more spanish. :) she is a sweet, sweet woman. and i hope i get to hug her again.

that night, we were going to the mall. i didn't feel great that afternoon, but i was okay. by the time we got to the mall, i knew i wasn't feeling well at all. the final nail in the coffin was when everyone got ice cream and i didn't want any. if you know me, you know that i never pass on ice cream. it just doesn't happen. so then i knew i was sick. i just needed to get back to the hostel. well to do that, a typical peruvian bus ride was in order. and that bus ride did me in. i rode with my face covered and dalene's voice in my ear telling me we were almost there {and we never were ha!} and because i'm me, i started crying. i just didn't want to get sick on that bus. we pulled in front of yeyas and people cleared for me to run in. my room was locked so brandon and tara ran up to theirs with me and {bless their hearts} i got sick in their bathroom. thought it was over. it wasn't. i was sick all night long. and devastated. the next day was the orphanage and i was dying to go.

so i went. sick or not. and lasted half the day before i got sent back to yeyas to sleep it off. which i'm so glad i did. by the time i woke up from that nap, i was good to go. thank you Jesus! my short time at the orphanage was great. i saw some of the most beautiful children in the world. and got to love on them. doesn't get much better than that. we went to the fountains in downtown lima that night. make sure you check out the pictures of that. so beautiful.

peruvian people are so loving. it was hard to say goodbye to them that day.

and the goodbyes continued. we had our final meeting that night with the groups we worked with in lima. addy, a 29 year old angel with a vision to reach her people, shared that vision and her needs with us. the men from origins laid hands and prayed over our peruvian friends and partners {i cried. like a baby.} and they gave us gifts for coming to them and hugged us goodbye. a woman i hadn't even talked to all week brought me a gift,  hugged me, and in english said "i love you". {weeping over here.} and i know that she meant it. and i love her too. i can't tell you how quickly my heart was won by these people. what little we did meant the world to them. and their smiles meant the world to us.

that same night, back at yeyas, a few people shared their hearts. if i thought i had cried before, i hadn't even started. a man named tim that goes to our church got up to share his heart. i'm not going to tell his story because i wouldn't do it justice. but it's the beauty of my time in peru. i was encouraged and inspired and changed by the people we met. and that night, i was encouraged and inspired and changed by his daughter lauren, a girl i already know.

that night back in our room, we talked about our week there. God had provided money for people in his last-minute way. he didn't for me. not that i didn't have an incredible help from the people in my life, i did. but i paid a lot of my trip myself. and there were expenses outside of the money we needed that were costly and difficult and came at a time when business was slow and expenses were high. i wasn't bitter about paying it, it was just hard. and that night, sitting in that room, i realized that i would pay it all again for that experience. i almost think God wanted me to pay it. because he knew i didn't have the money. but he also knew peru was where i was supposed to be. and now, in hindsight, he has repaid me in full. and i'd spend twice as much next year for half of the blessings from my week there.

the first night, scotty {my incredible pastor} challenged us to pray over the question, "why am i here?" and there are easy answers there. "to change lives", "to change me"...and while they sound cliche, they're true. but i had to get specific with my prayer. and in no time he showed me. the change that needed to happen inside of me was more than i think i had even realized.

and he changed my heart last week.
and a little bit of that heart {okay maybe a big part of it} is still there in lima. and very well might always be. i'm okay with that. :)

i came back to the states with a new appreciation for my american life, with a deeper love for my savior, a newly found love for his children in peru, an intense gratefulness for the people i'm blessed to serve with at origins, and a beautiful reminder of hope. my entire time there screamed hope. hope for the people of peru, hope for all of us - the hope we have in Jesus Christ.

it would be impossible for me to walk away from my time there and not know that life is yellow.

it is so, so yellow.

i left a little piece of my heart in peru {part ONE}

i blog about what shoes i'm wearing so we all knew i'd blog about this.

this might be long - just a warning. not only because i have a tendency to talk/write/communicate more than the average bear but because there is so much to tell you. i'm going to tell you about the first few days today. tomorrow, you get the good stuff. :)

the first few days of the trip feel like a blur. we knew that the travel portion would be difficult. long layovers, red-eye flights, bored children. we knew it would take a lot out of us. we didn't know we'd end up in a travel nightmare. {okay that was dramatic but i checked out the thesaurus and really, i couldn't come up with better than nightmare.}

we left Cincinnati at noon and got to NYC around 2. we didn't get on our plane for Lima until 10:45...and we were in the lamest terminal ever. but finally, we lined up to get on the packed out red-eye for Peru {who knew so many people would be on that flight?? i didn't.}. as i waited, i met a girl from england. her name was emma {making her all the more british} and she was simply lovely {there really isn't a more perfect british description}. i had no idea i'd spend the next 30 hours or so with emma but i'm glad i got to. she was sweet and had a beautiful accent and even looked like princess kate. she really did. when we got on the plane, lo and behold, she was sitting across the aisle from me. we talked many times over the next day and a half and when i didn't get to say bye to her 2 days later in Lima, i really did get sad. God lets us meet angels sometimes.

we were supposed to land in Lima around 7:30am saturday morning. well, we didn't. the pilot told us there was fog and he could circle for an hour and then he would have to take us to Ica, Chile which was a bus-ride away. alright, alright. i can deal with that. but an hour later when he was done circling, instead of taking us to Ica, he took us to Iquique, Chile which was even further away. of course, none of the staff could speak english and we were confused as to what was happening but i thought, "okay, we'll go to Iquique and get on another plane later today and go back to Peru." false. we got to Iquique, they wouldn't let us off the plane, they refueled, restocked, switched crews {took about an hour} and then flew us another 2 hours to Santiago, Chile which is just about as far south as I ever want to go. we were only off the plane about 10 minutes when we got the news - we'd be staying in Chile overnight.

it was only about 2pm their time when they told us. we didn't leave the airport for about 3 more hours. mind you, they had fed us breakfast at 6am and absolutely nothing since then. and for those of us who were scared of the breakfast, it had been a long time since we had eaten. we filled out customs and immigration forms since we were leaving the airport and then they told us we had to let them keep our passports at the airport.

umm, no.

first rule about your passport {rules according to rachel spears, that is}: don't let someone else keep it when you're in a foreign country. or really, ever. six countries had entry fees into Chile. US citizens were 3 times as much as anyone else's. interesting. and unless we wanted to pay them that money, we had to hand them over. this is where i started to freak out {hopefully, only internally but who knows what my face was saying}. it's one thing to get stuck at LAX. you're on American soil. it's all good. getting stuck in a country where no one speaks english and people are trying to take your passport is terrifying. maybe not to everyone in our group, but absolutely to me. taken, brokedown palace - all of these movies were popping into my head and i about lost it. i knew there were 21 of us {the rest of the group had come early, come from Cleveland, or come from Chicago} and the chances of something bad happening were slim but still - one too many lifetime movies will freak you out.

they ended up letting us keep our passports {thank you Jesus} and taking nearly 200 of us on buses through Santiago to our hotel. as we drove through Santiago, the pit in my stomach grew. i couldn't help but wonder where in the world they were taking us. through the entire city was a river. i honestly have no idea how it was even moving. it was the sludgiest {made that word up maybe?}, blackest, most garbage-infested "river" i've ever seen. along it's shores were piles and piles of garbage. in one place, i saw the river, a mountain of garbage next to and flowing into it, and a horse. just standing there. thinking about him drinking that water makes my stomach turn. i saw signs for hotels and hostels and the pit grew even more. we had kids with us, we have a lot of money's worth of supplies with us, we had...ME with us - we needed a safe place to stay. the bus ride took over 30 minutes and finally, the crazy bus driver turned us into the driveway for our destination for the evening.

the Crowne Plaza.

thank you Jesus.

it was beautiful. it was clean. and it was a mad house. they hurried us through registration and pushed us to the restaurant for dinner before it closed. i was so excited to eat! this was not American food however, but you wouldn't have noticed anyone was leery. we were too hungry to care. after dinner, i went up to my own room {which after being on a plane for a million hours was much needed} and for the first time in about 12 hours, there wasn't an ounce of frustration in me. the room was gorgeous. and when i opened the windows, i could have cried. Santiago was beautiful. it was surrounded by the Andes moutains on every side and from the my 24th {maybe it was 22nd. i was tired} floor view, i could see people still sunbathing on roofs at 8pm and the hustle and bustle and streetlights coming on far below. it was then that i realized, i probably would never go to Santiago, Chile in my life. and if did, it would probably be for something similar to what we were trying to get to Lima to do and it would most certainly not include me staying in the Crowne Plaza for free in a room with a view.

what an opportunity.

i took the best shower of my life and slept hard that night and woke up early to get ready for the airport. the Santiago airport was craziness and LAN {the airline. ugh.} had brought in a plane just for the 200-ish of us from the day before. we all spent that entire 30 some hours together. emma was there. and so were sonny and his cousin - 2 guys we met {that spoke english!} on the plane. and there was rafael. remember how i said God lets us meet angels? no exception here.

one of the guys with us, tim, was sitting next to rafael on the plane the day before. he was a Peruvian national living in America. so at the Santiago airport, at the Crowne Plaza, at the Santiago airport, all the way through when we walked out of customs in Lima and out of the airport, he translated for us, intervened for us, and saw us through. then he just said, "have a great time." and walked away. because of that language barrier, we most likely would have had an even harder time realizing what was going on, doing what we were asked, knowing what was coming, getting through customs. i believe God placed him next to tim on that plane. i hope years down the line, he remembers the 21 people traveling from Ohio to Peru to reach his people. we will surely remember him.

so we flew 4 hours to Lima and by the grace of God, and with the help of rafael, made it through customs easily. when you're carrying 42 army green duffel bags, they could make it really difficult for you or not want the headache. i'm so grateful they didn't want to deal with us that day. we were already so tired.

we walked outside into the heat of Lima. and then life got really yellow.

part two...tomorrow. :)

two years.

quick. go to facebook. read my last note i wrote on january 14, 2011. then come back.


awesome. now we both know what i'm about to talk about.

it has been two years since i decided to change my life. hardest & best two years of my life.

the first year was mostly about change. this year has been mostly about adjustment & opportunity.

things that have happened since january 14, 2011:

i moved to landen.

i opened up the studio.

i went from a "photographer who does weddings" to a "wedding photographer". {totally different}

i went to LU for the first time since i graduated.

i visited jon in utah and alexandra in florida.

i became friends with people i've admired professionally for years and established myself among them.

i went from sometimes attending origins to plugging into a small group, being in the band every other week, and something else i'll touch on in a minute. :) 

i finally got some tattoos. eek!

and obviously a lot more. those are my highlights. oh, and i'm sure you're thinking, "but how much more weight have you lost?" we'll get to that.

2011 in many ways was the best year of my life. moving to my little apartment with kennedy - no roommates - no family - has taught me so much. for instance, i really like living alone. but i really hate being alone. so obvi, the next apartment will be solo...but very close to people i love. :) i had a good deal of heartache this year. and there were times i sat in that apartment crying for hours. literally. when i couldn't rely on someone to distract me. i had to truly deal with my pain instead of locking it away like i've always done. that was terrible. and the best thing for me. i see that now. the time i've had to spend alone this year has been something i hated...and now am grateful for.

professionally, i couldn't have asked for a better year. the business grew and it grew the best way - word of mouth. i still don't pay for advertising on the websites that bring me the most business {and oh, how they call so that i will). in late 2010, i got overwhelmed and remember telling a friend, "ok fine. i'll do the weddings i've booked. but i'm not booking any more." and it was like God heard that and laughed at me because it was mere weeks after i said that when the weddings started pouring in. and they haven't stopped. i don't say that to brag. i am humbled by this opportunity to do what i love and am good at. to say both of those is rare, i know.

all of the good that has come this year, professionally and personally, i truly believe has come because of that decision i made on january 14, 2010. what does losing weight have to do with all of this?? everything.

i told you guys that i lost 114 pounds that first year. i truly think telling you that was more difficult for me than actually losing the weight! :) pride has always been a stumbling block for me. not being prideful in the cocky, holier-than-thou way but my pride has always hit in the form of a hard heart, a inclination to be funny instead of vulnerable, a decision to keep people away instead of letting them in. and when i started my journey to change physically, change emotionally, mentally, and spiritually came along for the ride whether i wanted it to or not.

year two has dealt with adjusting to those changes mostly in the demon commonly known as insecurity. this physical change brought every insecurity {that i didn't even know i had} to the surface and 2011 was a battle against those. but i won. well, correction, am winning. i'm not too sure when this battle will go away but i'll fight it to the death, believe that.

losing 114 pounds in a year just with hard work and wise choices was hard. i knew year two would produce less "astonishing" numbers and i was okay with that. i'm not in any rush. i just like getting healthier. my emotions got the best of me for a few months and i gained some weight back. that was difficult. but in year two, i lost 43 more pounds making the total 157 pounds {and again, my heart is racing telling you guys that}. still a ways to go, but i've got this. i've got this.

i know it's not january 14th. but i couldn't write this to you guys then because of that thing i mentioned earlier about origins. i leave on the 14th for Peru. we're going down there for a week to meet needs, share the gospel, and love on the Peruvian people. the fact that i am leaving to do this on the 2 year 'anniversary' of my life change is no coincidence. i can tell you with completely certainty, that i would have never done something like this before. that girl before was scared and apathetic. this one is free.

the two tattoos i got this year pretty much sum up this journey i'm on. i got tikvah - which is hebrew for 'hope' on my foot. hope is everything to me. hope is what gets me up in the morning, it's what let's me sleep well at night. romans 5:2-4 - through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. more than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope. <-- that is the desire of my heart.

the second tattoo i got is on my wrist so i can see it every day. it says kitpivos. people that don't really know me look so confused when i tell them what it means. anyone that does know me just smiles when i tell them. regardless of what this life brings to me, what mistakes i make, what opportunities i have or opportunities i miss, what goals i reach or which ones i fall short on, what progress i make or the times i stand still - i will forever look at my wrist and be reminded that this life is so yellow.

i so deeply appreciate all of the love and support i've been given the last 2 years. it is a humbling process. and one that i wouldn't take back. and so here's to year 3. i won't write a blog at the end of this one detailing my progress and successes - this is life now. a constant process of change and health - physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. at 26 years old, i am starting life over again because i choose to. come along for the ride?

it's going to be a yellow, yellow life. 

anything if it's yellow {perspective}

if you had to sum up christmas in one word {uh, other than christmas}, what would it be?

some of you might have watched too many lifetime movies and you'd say "family", some of you might go the spiritual route and you'd say "Jesus" {and obvi you'd be right}, and some of you will be honest and you'd say...

presents.

let's be honest. you're either a kid {i'd be impressed if a kid was reading this} and you just want, want, want or you're a parent, a grandparent, an auntie or someone else who got conned into buying for a kid and you're fighting with people the day after thanksgiving for an easy bake oven or you're waiting last minute and buying a giftcard {guilty}. you're a spouse who just has no idea what to get for her husband. maybe you adopted a family to buy for. maybe you drew a name with your friends. at the end of the day, i'd be surprised if none of you reading this had to buy a present for anyone this christmas or were going to receive one.

buying and receiving presents at christmas doesn't bother me. while i have learned in my adulthood that it's not the "reason for the season", with the exception of going completely over the top for bratty kids {cause that bothers everyone}, buying things for the people you love is all good with me.

i generally like whatever people get me. are there times i think "i really would have rather had..."?  sure. we want what we want. but for the most part...i just want good things - thinks i like, things that make me happy.

this morning, i was talking about christmas presents with maddi, who is 7. i said, "what should miss rachel ask santa to get her for christmas?" and she just looked at me with a smile and said, "you like anything if it's yellow."

out of the mouth of babes.

it's really true. i like anything that's yellow. yellow clothes, yellow decor, yellow food {yes sometimes i eat things solely because they're yellow}, yellow appliances, yellow everything. and if you have followed me long enough, you know that the color yellow is also symbolic to me. it's happiness, it's things falling into place, it's time with people i love, it's the light at the end of dark tunnels, it's even been the dark tunnels. yellow is my joy.

this morning, just an hour or so before i had that conversation with maddi, i had a conversation with the only person that teaches me more than the kiddos in my life - God. remember the blog about asking God for something specific? still am. the prayer has changed a bit but i still believe it hasn't been answered and i'm waiting. sometimes patiently but more often not {just being honest}. but i've said to him {and meant it}, that i'm good either way, knowing that his ways are higher than mine.

whatever he brings to my life, whatever he gives me, whatever he works out, and even whatever he allows to come into my life {talking about the hard things, the no's, the 'storms') is yellow. and after praying this morning for what i want, telling the creator of the universe that i want it but i'm okay with whatever he gives me, a little girl reminded me of one simple little truth -

i like anything.

if it's yellow.

if i could write a letter to me...{yep}

know the song? you non-country lovers might not. so go to youtube and search for brad paisley's song and fall in love.

i heart that song. if he could write a letter to himself at younger ages, he'd tell himself to do things differently, thank people that cared about him, not be discouraged by heartache, etc.

so guess what i'm going to do? yep.

if i could write a letter to me....

from 0-5 years old: yeah, i don't remember you. but you were such a cute little girl. and judging from the pictures i've seen of you, you loooooved your daddy. as you should have. at some point when you were 3ish, you met a girl named joy. you were probably scared of her. as you should have been. but she's going to be the most faithful friend you've ever had. so share your sunchips with her.

from age 5-10: i'm glad you spent so much time in the pool. and even though it's technically sun damage, i love every freckle you have. and there are a lot of them.

you're going to love a band called the new kids on the block. don't worry - when you're 26, you're going to get to touch one of them at a concert. it will seriously be the highlight of your life.

no matter what your brother and sister say, you do not suffer from a disease called "fro-inosis".

in february 1994: something's going to happen today that you're not going to understand. you're going to get to spend the night at your friend's house on a school night and think it's awesome. you'll find out the next day that your dad had a heart attack and you'll cry because your sister did. you have no idea how your dad's health will affect the rest of your life. do me a favor and don't be a brat so often. go easy on the old guy. especially since he spent all of your childhood at your soccer and basketball games and taking you to sharon dippity.

junior high me: you're going to go to a new school where for the next 6 years, everyone will know you as the "brutally honest" one. stop. really. i'm even annoyed with you and i...was you.

high school me: i'm really glad you had brittany in high school. you had so much fun. i'm not really glad that you were so mean sometimes. i know why you were. you were the odd girl out sometimes before you came to this school and you didn't want it to happen again. i get it. not happy with you for it but i get it. you weren't happy with yourself and that makes me sad. you're going to have to grow up in november of 2002 when your childhood friend dies in a car accident. you and your friends made the best of every time you were together and i'm glad you have those memories. oh and really, your eyebrows - what in the world were you thinking? and the orange and blonde highlights on your black hair? fail. major, major fail.

december 11, 1999: your grandpa is going to die today. i'm so glad you had 14 years with him. i'm glad you got to go to the park and pinky's with him on secret ice cream trips. you're going to miss him forever.

february 16, 2000: you're going to make the best decision of your life tonight. there will be so many times in your life that the only comfort you have is Christ's love. so glad you accepted it.

october 2001: you're going to get in your first car accident. glad it was just a fender bender.

june 2003: you're going to graduate high school. you and joy will sing a song that will embarrass you but 8 years later, you'll try to remember the words and sing it together in the car and laugh. just a heads up so you don't have to google so much - it was called listen to our hearts.

august 2003: you're going to go to college and make a lot of memories over the next 3 years. when he talks to you that first time, don't fall so hard. when you really don't want to go to western civilization, you should probably go. i wish you hadn't been such a follower since that's not who you are at all. i'm glad you went away and lived away from your family though. you grew so much.

march 12, 2004: this is going to be the the most painful day of your life. you're going to get in your friend's car and drive to ohio for spring break. you won't get to ohio today though. she's going to lose control of the car, you're going to flip a bunch of times and then get thrown out, you're going to take a very expensive helicopter ride {you won't remember} to west virginia and you'll hang out at st. mary's hospital where some doctors and nurses will save your life. you're going to be in an extreme amount of pain, some of which will last a very long time. you're going to have to leave school for awhile, have surgery, have scars, have pain. if i could tell you what to do that morning, though, i'd tell you to still get in that car. the good that came from that day is something only you and i understand.

you're going to meet mel gibson. i wish you would have not looked a mess so you would have gotten a picture with him.

october 2, 2005: you're going to get a terrible phone call. your friend kevin is going to die today. it will just so happen that all of your housemates will be gone all day and you'll sit in your room and cry for hours. i wish i could hug you.

summer 2006: you're going to meet a girl named maggie. is this where i tell you that you should run? nah. you're going to need her.

2006-2010: you're going to kind of spiral down. you're going to make terrible decisions, get in debt, gain weight, date stupid men, shirk responsibility and be a typical early 20 something. i wish i could have cut your credit cards up you dummy. i'm still under the burden of that.

may 7, 2006: you're going to become an aunt. she's going to be beautiful.

2007: you're going to spend money you don't have on a camera you "don't need". that camera will change your life. i'm glad you bought it.

august 20, 2009: you're going to be an aunt again. she's going to be beautiful too. even when you don't want to make the drive down to children's hospital, go every time to visit her.

january 14, 2010: you're going to make a decision to change your life today. it's going to be so hard. but my life is different because you decided to get healthy. i'm so proud of you.

october 16, 2010: you're going to LET maggie marry paul. that was stupid.

november 2010: dad's heart is going to give you a scare again. i'm glad you spent as much time at the hospital with him as you did. no one should be alone in there. and the room service food will be delicious.

you're going to fall in love a few times. and then you're going to fall out of love. a couple of times it won't be so hard. and one or two of the times, it will be terrible. i wish i could tell you how rarely you'll think of them now and how wrong you'll realize they were for you.

don't get offended so easily.

don't waste your time arguing politics, social issues, etc. even though you really enjoy it.

i'm being completely serious right now: don't give deals to friends in business. you will resent them for it.

i'm not sure if i should tell you that bangs were a good idea or not. jury's still out on that one.

visit your mamaw more.

i'm really glad you weren't much of a worrier growing up. if i have children, i'd want them to be as care-free as you.

don't watch food inc. okay, nevermind, do it. it was good for you.

but don't watch black swan. seriously.

lots of things i wish you'd done less. lots of things i wish you'd done more. even some things i wish had never happened. but really - i like you. for the most part. you'll be better because of your pain. you'll grow from your mistakes.

if i could tell you to do anything differently, i'd have to say - love more.

and the eyebrows. i wish you had fixed the eyebrows.

xx

thank you {thanksgiving}

so all month, people {including me} have been posting daily about what they're thankful for and about who they're thankful for. and why.  i'd like to take a moment {and really just a moment as it's a holiday and i want to choose to spend it wisely} thanking all of the people that didn't make the traditional list.

i'd like to thank my next door neighbor for hating my dog and complaining about him the day i moved in. i've thanked you by not always picking up after him on our walks. you're welcome.

i'd like to thank a girl i didn't really like for marrying a guy that i really did love. cause i just saw a recent picture and he let himself go. AND he wasn't that nice to me. so thanks.

i'd like to thank the kid in high school who called me a fat b**** in front of the whole class and made me cry. you gave me the thick skin i needed to get through life so far and you made me watch what i say to people.

i'd like to thank every single rejection letter i got from jobs i thought i wanted when i graduated college. what i thought was a desperate attempt to make money because you said i was unqualified turned out to be my passion. and sidenote: i was more than qualified.

i'd like to thank the guy who made fun of me in front of a big group when i started my business. i remember vividly - "you're going to be a photographer? you know you have to actually be talented right?" that was followed by laughter from a few of the guys. funny how my photos were in elle magazine. someone should tell them i need talent. thanks for adding to the thick skin.

i'd like to thank sallie mae for making sure i start college funds for my children when they're born.

i'd like to thank every guy i've ever dated who didn't treat me well. thank you for showing me what i don't want.

i'd like to thank mcdonald's for upping their price of the double cheeseburger that one summer because joy and i finally stopped eating them.

i'd like to thank all of the people who have ever hurt me but more than that, i'd like to thank all of the people that have ever forgiven me for hurting them.
i'd like to thank all of the people who broke my trust but more than that, i'd like to thank all of the people who have forgiven me for breaking theirs.

every person in my life has made me who i am today, the good and the bad.  so i just wanted to say thanks.

and to that guy from high school, look at me now. ;)

happy thanksgiving.
xx

if tomorrow never comes {everyone's doing it}

i heart blogs.

i really do. well. i heart well-written ones that make me laugh, make me cry, make me think. and occasionally, i like blogs that are like mine and share a random youtube video of a kid lip-synching to katy perry.

so far today, i've read 3 blogs. one from someone in my field and when i followed the link to her pricing, i wanted to vomit. {just a thought - why do you give 8 hours of coverage by 2 photographers if you're only going to give them FIFTY images at the end? i won't even go into what they were charging for thas...} one about sports - specifically football...even more specifically this past sunday's steelers-bengals game. {this young team can hang with the big names. for sure.} and then one by a man who recently lost his father and sister in law. he wrote a letter to his family just in case he should suddenly pass. it made me cry. it made me laugh. it made me want to write one.

so here goes.

in case i should suddenly pass while doing something awesome, i want the following things to be known.

mom and dad, jess knocked over that big family Bible that one time when no one would admit doing it and we didn't get to go to the movies since someone was lying. i watched her do it.

jess, i forgive you for that. finally.

i fully expect a yellow funeral. if people are not wearing yellow, turn them away. okay, don't do that but give them a dirty look and make them sit in the back.

if kennedy isn't taken in by someone who loves me, i will make sure all of your one way tickets are headed south.

my chickens - you made me a better person. i love you to the moon and back.

i started to think of who to give what to, but in reality, you guys are going to need to sell everything i own to pay off my debts so....sorry about that.

please don't let them keep my facebook account up.

yes, jonathan was my favorite family member. just stating the obvious there.

after my funeral, i want everyone to go to cock and bull {in groups of 15 please. the place is tiny for real.} and tell stories about me...that are appropriate. please.

maggie, sorry about busting your nose that one time. but since you projectile vomited me, i think i was just calling it even. hope you never stop doing our firework dance...or order one taco, please.

i want my girls to take a trip to louisville every year around my birthday. it wouldn't hurt if there was a guy with a reds hat on there.

i want my brother and sister to tell my nieces all about their super cool aunt. and how she loved them with her whole heart. and make sure they are raised right - as reds fans. the die-hard kind.

i hope you were truly proud of me, mom and dad. i was proud of you.

if the bengals ever win the super bowl, i expect someone to write a status update that i would have written. it should go like this: "fairweather fans, if you even think of saying who dey, i will personally come to your house and beat the crap out of you."

joy - i'll make sure our mansions are as close up in heaven as our houses are now. so we can say we're going to go run together...and go eat mexican instead.

cry. i want you to cry. a lot of people say, i don't want you to cry for me after i go. well, i do. i mean, seriously. cry your freaking eyes out. and then move on.

think of me when you hear michael jackson sing, when you watch someone tear all their food apart, when you pass rarity mountain on the way to tennessee, when you say "i can't handle it", when you watch a jude law movie, when you hear an old garth brooks song, when you see someone take all the cheese off their pizza and eat it last, when you skip over a JFK documentary on the history channel, when someone points in the air when they talk, when octoberfest comes out in the fall, when someone starts a joke with "what's the difference between a grape and an elephant?", when you eat hummus, when RENT comes to town, when you feel like arguing over politics or something equally as pointless to argue about, when 'witchita lineman' comes on the radio, when you do the 'rachel' dance {it should always live on}, when you sing "fancy" at karaoke, when you hear someone laugh really, really, really loud...

and mostly - i want you to think of me whenever you can sit back and say, "life is so yellow." and i hope that is often. more because i wish nothing but happiness for everyone but a LITTLE because i want you to think about me. let's be honest. if you forget about me, i'll....haunt you or something.

i have zero plans of going anywhere anytime soon. but i'm not promised tomorrow so in case i go, i wanted you all to know all of that. until then, i'd like to start living like tomorrow might not happen. speak in love, give, pause and rethink unkindness, visit my mamaw, go for a run outside, return my phone calls, talk to God, laugh, and remind myself that if tomorrow DOESN'T come, these 26 years 4 months 27 days and 41 minutes have been yellow. very, very yellow.

xx

scar tissue that i wish you saw {life}

"dead people don't have scars."

someone said that to me 5 or 6 months after my car accident when i was being emo about mine. if you've met me in the last few years, you'd probably say, "what scars?" believe me, they were there. the ones on my left hand were most noticeable. my hand was pretty much covered with them and well, i'm left handed so often when i reached for something or waved at someone, i'd hear, "oh my gosh, what happened to your hand??" the ones on my face were thankfully near my hairline and fairly easy to cover with makeup. i didn't wear a dress for the longest time because the ones on my legs always brought about that same question - "oh my gosh, what happened to you??"

i remember a doctor saying that he expected my skin {specifically my face} to heal well based on how fast it began to heal from the beginning. i did not have high expectations. i was young and vain and mortified by my scars, even the ones in really unimportant places like my hands and even my toes.

then i heard those words - "dead people don't have scars." it took me a few minutes to get it and months to understand it.

i was alive.

an accident that could have {and logically, should have} taken my life, didn't. it beat me up, it caused me pain, it left me with scars but it didn't kill me.

i think you know where i'm going with this. :)

speaking personally, i have a lot of scars. not only on my skin but on my soul. some, maybe most, are self-inflicted. some are not. some are really fresh. some have been there for years. some didn't hurt all that bad. some of them nearly killed me.

but they didn't.

those of you that didn't even know i had scars on my face, my hands, my legs - you're the proof that scars fade. with proper care, they do. so i use vitamin e for my body and the love of my savior, my family and my friends for the ones on my soul.

they're never really gone. and as along as you're alive, you'll probably keep getting them. you'll accidentally cut yourself chopping vegetables, you'll get your heart broken, you'll fall playing sports, and you'll be betrayed by someone you trust. but if you keep getting them, it means nothing's killed you yet.

so keep living.
scars fade.
life is so yellow.

xx

makin' plans {prayer}

i have very rarely in my life prayed specifically for something. like FOR something. like - "God, give me {fill in the blank}. i pray for the basics for myself and my loved ones - health, safety, etc. if i know of a need, i'll pray that - "God, bring healing, bring them peace, work that situation out..." i pray for the success of my business but i always say - "and God, i ask that you would continue to bless my business." i don't say, "God, i'd like to take over the city" - which is much more accurate if i'm being honest. if i'm at a crossroads in my relationship, i ask God to work it out, i don't say "God, have them forgive me." or "God, take them away from me." 

i'm learning that i pray generic prayers.

to a very specific God.

not that there is a way to pray. most of my prayers are jumbled messes on the way to work where i get distracted halfway through by traffic or wondering if i left my phone at home. i try to pray every night when i lay down and often times, i drift off 20 words into it {which might be because i fall asleep within 2 minutes of laying down. it's fantastic.}.

just about a week and a half ago, i was laying there one night praying. i prayed for my family. i prayed for a few needs. i prayed the same prayer i've been praying for the same friend for weeks. and then i prayed for me. i prayed for forgiveness {i say it every time}. i prayed for an opportunity the next day to show his love {i say it every time}. i prayed for continued blessings on my work {i pray it every time}. i prayed for his hand on a few situations i'm in {i pray it every time}. my mind lingered on one of the situations and my mind wandered away from my prayer. i literally laid there and thought "i know what i want. why don't i just ask him for it?" that's nothing i've ever prayed before. i laughed out loud and returned to my prayer - "and God, i know that you work everything out for good for those who love you. i know that you promise to give us the desires of our heart. well. i want ______. and i'm asking for it. or i'm asking you to change the desires of my heart and take it away. completely."

which personally i thought was pretty dang gutsy. because the reality of the situation is - i don't want it to go away. not at all. i want it. but if it's not what he wants for me, then i need to be able to let it go. i trust that he wants me to not only be happy, but be the happiest. i believe this makes me happy so i'm asking for it or i'm asking for a change of heart.

i've prayed that exact prayer now every morning and every night. in true dramatic fashion, i was convinced by 11am the next morning that he had answered - and not in my favor. in even higher dramatic fashion, i was convinced by 5pm that next evening that he had given me the green light and all was good! i've probably changed my mind on his answer 39523 times since then. but i keep praying the prayer. cause truth is - i don't think he's answered yet. 

and whether he says yes or no, i can wait to see what he says. i can continue to try to make the good decisions worthy of the "yes" and i can continue to try to make the good decisions worthy of the "no". because neither answer is wrong - his ways are truly higher than mine. 

i like to think he was amused that i finally asked for it. cause he knew i wanted it. he heard me talk to other people about it. i can't imagine what it's like to be the God of the universe and wait for my child to talk to me about what she wants. 

the truly beautiful part of this is that if i'm trying to honor him in my life, loving him and trusting him, i will eventually stop praying this specific prayer. either because he gave it to me or because he didn't. and while i know which answer i am hoping for, my trust that he's got it all worked out for me supersedes my near-sighted plans for my own life.

i've said this before on this blog: i am grateful for the times i've been spared from the destruction of my own plans but i also have seen time and time again where God gives me what i want and blesses it. 

either way, {i'm sure you saw this coming} - life is so, so yellow. and i can't wait to see what he has planned for me.

xx

i. hate. complaining. {venting}

i really didn't want to write something about this but here i am, writing about it.

for some reason, some people think that fighting for animal rights and being okay with the abortion of human fetuses go hand in hand.

your first instinct might be to say, 'uhh i've never heard anyone say that, rachel' - but they do. i promise. i have had countless discussions with people about animal rights and many times, as SOON as i mention that i'm a PETA member, i hear, "5000 abortions take place in america every day".

the more passive aggressive person will put up a status quoting scripture or say something like, "hey PETA, i'm really enjoying this bloody steak. read Genesis ya morons!" or my favorite, "people care more about animals than humans. sad."

all because we believe in the ethical treatment of animals?

i'll pause to acknowledge that some animal rights activists are crazy. i am not. so we're not talking about everyone here. we're talking about me. and you.

yesterday, a tragedy occurred. right here in ohio. i am crazy thankful that no humans were killed by the animals that were freed. crazy thankful. however, my heart is broken that they were killed. my heart is broken that they lived here to begin with. a family is grieving their loss. i don't know why that man had these animals, i don't know why he let them go, i don't know why he took his life but he did. and i feel sorry for his family.

being an animal lover and animal rights supporter, seeing the pictures of the animals lying dead was devastating. but guess what? abortion devastates me too. i saw so many articles, so many facebook statuses today that criticized the people mourning the loss of the animals yesterday. ya know, cause that's constructive.

however, a lot of those people that often put up links to statistics about abortion or links to petitions you can sign to help fight abortion in our courts, do so from behind a desk at the computer, doing nothing.

newsflash: abortion isn't go anywhere legally in this country. it would be scary if it did. the amount of back alley abortions that would begin to take place again would bring about SO much death and disease. so instead of writing letters to your congressman or talking about how 'pathetic' america is that we care more about animals than human life, do something.

if you feel that passionately about it, don't try to convince a senator, spend your free time with some teenage girls. we spend so much time talking from behind a computer screen that it irritates us when someone cares about something seemingly more than they care about what we think they should care about.

it's so easy to complain. it's so easy to point fingers and say "shame shame" on america. it's so easy to criticize people's passions and concerns. it's really, really easy to do that. you know what's not easy? criticizing someone who's out changing a world they're not happy with.

so turn off your computer. stop acting better than people. leave your house. change the world.

adios amigos {goodbye}

i'm saying goodbye.
i'm probably not going to miss you.
hope that's not too harsh.
there just comes a time when you gotta go.

and it's time for you to get out of here.

so i'm saying goodbye to some people in my life.

if you lie to me, about me, about my family, about my loved ones.
if you manipulate me, manipulate my family, manipulate my loved ones.
if you are lazy.
if i am disposable to you.
if you are self-righteous.
if you only want me when you need me.
if you just won't stop complaining.
if you're ungrateful.
if you are conniving.
if you expect everyone to do everything for you and do nothing for anyone in return.
if you only call when you want to talk about yourself, your life, your struggles.
if you are always the victim.
if you can't be bothered by the people who have invested in you for years.
if you are demanding.
if you are demeaning.
if you couldn't care less about me, about my family, about my loved ones.
if you find pleasure in hurting people.
if you talk about me but not to me.
if you are bitter.
if you are unkind.

it would be awesome if i could actually remove all of those people from my life. but i can't. i can however, stop investing in, stop thinking about & stop being hurt by these people. people can only hurt you if you let them. they can only bother you if you let them. people can only be in your life if you let them.

so see ya.

those of you that i can actually remove myself from - adios. those of you i can't? i'm removing you from my priority list. life is too full, it's too beautiful, it's too yellow to be weighed down by these kinds of people.

and they're everywhere. every day, i'm dealing with manipulators and liars and complainers. every day, people are demanding, they're unkind, they're ungrateful & they're conniving. people that are most important to me are expectant, bitter, lazy & self-righteous. i lay awake at night thinking about people that i'm disposable to. i love people that admittedly use me and my loved ones.

and it's time for you to go. as td jakes said, i have the gift of goodbye. it's not that i'm hateful, i'm faithful. i have too much going on for me, too much potential, too many people that make me a better person to keep focusing on those that bring me down, upset me & don't care. my life is too yellow for you.

so this is it for us. it's been real. it's been fun. but it ain't been real fun.

xx

tikvah {hope}

so i did it.


i went to clifton on a whim on friday night with sheila and got a tattoo. 


i've had it planned for awhile - tikvah. the hebrew word for hope.


hope. it's so many things to me. it's what i cling to in my professional, personal, and spiritual life. it's the little girl that i love so much. it's the reason i can get through life's storms. it's everything. everything.


i had decided on tikvah when i was in college studying hebrew. i loved the word. i was way too scared to get a tattoo but i knew if i ever got the guts to, that's what i would get. then in 2009, my sister gave birth to the most beautiful little person i've ever seen and she named her hope. that's when i knew i would eventually go through with it. i love that child...in case you couldn't tell. :)


getting the tattoo this weekend was random and unplanned but seems to have come at the perfect time. 


it's a reminder - "my hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness."


i had a conversation with a friend on friday about faith and hope and belief and doubt. i told her something a friend of mine told me once - i feel sorry for people who don't struggle with their faith. i do. faith in Jesus Christ is {yeah i'm going to say this} kind of crazy. believing that a man, who was God, died on a cross for my sins and that, because i trust him as my savior, i will spend eternity in a place called heaven with him because a book tells me so - is crazy.


so there are times of doubt. when life is hard, when it doesn't make sense, when i'm angry with God himself - doubt prevails. but the reason i believe, the reason that my faith returns is because after doubt, hope prevails.


today is the anniversary of my sweet friend kevin's death. death is never easy - especially when they're young. i saw him at midnight the night before and by 8am on october 2, 2005, i got a phone call that he had passed away. that doesn't make sense. it's not fair. i cried and i cried and i cried that morning and i'm crying now. my friend dying at 23 years old when he had his whole life ahead of him and so much to offer to this world made doubt prevail.


this morning at church, we sang a song that says 'what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord." it was a reminder of where my hope is placed. there's a verse in 1 corinthians that says if our hope is in this life only, we are the people who should be most pitied. there are people who are strong enough to face life's trials and never waver in their faith. i am not one of them. i ask why all the time. i asked why on this day in 2005 and i probably have for one reason or another asked about one million times since. but my hope is eternal. which is why i can doubt and question when life sucks the faith out of me and then after, i can hope. i can believe. i can trust.


c.s. lewis said 'most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. there are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise.'


there are things that i hope for here on earth - success, love, health, peace. and there are things that i hope for that are eternal. and so as that little girl serves as a reminder of the hope i've placed in Jesus Christ, so does this tattoo, this word - tikvah. 


romans 5:2-4 - through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. more than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance and endurance produces character and character produces hope.