we are busy.
all of us.
it's a fact of life for me. my friends and family have accepted that as long as people keep getting married, i'm going to miss out on most of what happens friday through sunday. as long as those brides and grooms are interested in using me to photograph their wedding {let's cross our fingers that that never stops} that weekday evenings are filled with meetings and engagement sessions. weekdays are filled up with shoots and meetings and consultations and when i lock myself in my office with nothing but water, pandora, and carrots and edit until i can't see straight.
yet, as busy as i am, i refuse to give up my life. because this is my job and it is my passion but it is not my life. often, my clients become my friends {yay!} and because you can't be real life friends if you're not facebook friends, it's not too long before they have access to a constant stream of statuses, photos, and check-in's from me {cause let's be honest, you guys all know where i am at any given time.}. just last night, i needed to get some info to a bride and thought i'd wait until this morning and i genuinely felt guilty checking in at the brad paisley concert. the minute i realized how ridiculous that guilt was, i knew i needed to fix something. and fix it now.
i had a disturbing conversation with a woman in the fall. it's bothered me ever since. i was overwhelmed at work and behind on...well, everything and i was venting. and she said this - "you're not married and you don't even have kids. you don't know what busy is."
that statement has fueled all of the guilt i've felt since then when i was living instead of working. in january, i was in south america with my church on a medical mission and in the evenings, i was fighting for service on my phone so i could email clients. every time i wake up in the middle of the night {which is frequent}, i check my phone and read emails from clients that have come in after i go to bed {cause i'm an old lady and go to bed at like 10}. a client had to reschedule something with me in april and i told her the only thing i had available that week was thursday morning because really, i wasn't working wednesday night but i wanted to go to the reds game with my friends. and then i saw her at the reds game and literally turned and walked the other way so she wouldn't see me. it's gotten ridiculous. really, really ridiculous.
but {yay for the but here!}, i'm putting my foot down. not to my clients - to myself. to that ridiculous assumption that because i'm single and childless, that work should come before bonfires with my friends and last minute trips to riverbend for a concert {the tickets actually came from a bride! thanks sarah!}.
when that woman said that to me, i didn't know whether to cry, hit her, or believe her. it reminded me of the episode of SATC when carrie realizes how much money she's spent on wedding gifts and baby shower gifts and kids' birthday gifts over the years as her friends married and had kids. why didn't anyone buy presents for the woman that chose not to do those things? so she registered herself for shoes at manolo blahnik. :) don't worry. i'm not asking for shoes or anything but maybe just some understanding. some understanding that while i'm single and not a mom, that my time is a precious as the time of a working mom or wife.
if i'm ever going to get married, i have to date. to date, i have to have some time. if i don't ever get married, then my most important relationships will continue to be with my family and friends. and if i can't invest in those, they'll die. so no, i'm not taking kids to soccer or throwing princess birthday parties or cleaning the kids' bathroom at midnight cause that's the only time i have to do it {not bashing that at all. you ladies are my heroes}. i'm going to reds games and dinner parties. i'm cleaning my house and going to the gym. i'm painting with my girls and watching mad men with the boys. and yes, watching the bachelorette {don't act like you don't}. i'm living. and i'm getting ready to start doing that guilt-free.
i'm not feeling sorry for myself, i promise. i have a job that i love, a business that i own and the freedom that my friends that work in cubicles dream of. i am blessed. blessed with all of that and blessed with this beautiful life. i photograph my clients living their lives and now i have to figure out a way to leave that and live my own.
so i'm figuring out a new schedule. i'm setting up some new priorities, some new rules for myself. i'm doing so without the guilt that i have to work all the time because of the lie in my head that i should because there aren't people depending on me at home. maybe if i can figure this out now, if i ever do have a husband and children, i'll already be in the right mindset with priorities. realistically, i'll have to keep relearning this over and over again. but for now, i'm going to go the reds game on thursday with my friends and turn my email notifications off.
and you should do the same.
<3 XO
